Breadcrumbs anyone?

So ..........
over this last week, with my having not mentioned anything AT ALL to do with ttwd up until this point:
I had a very emotionally stressful day Monday. (before all the bugs appeared!)
Mitch came running to mine after work. (sobbing down the phone tends to do that!) And while our discussion became heated and upsetting, I really do appreciate the fact that he came armed with support.
He wasn't sure how to handle my mood. He didn't know if he should have spanked me before I spiralled out of control.
So I umm'd and ahh'd without really saying much of ANYTHING which led to a handful of swats and a promise of more to come the next night. If anything I needed the stress relief. I SERIOUSLY needed the stress relief!
But I didn't think much of this to be honest because chances were that it wouldn't happen anyway so I'm learning not to trust what is said. Hey progress :) No sign of a meltdown in sight.
Of course the next night was a huge no-no given my........ 'circumstances', so no big deal anyways.
Friday night swings round, off out we go.
Ok so over nibbles and a (large) glass of wine......... The bravado kicks in slightly.

"have you read my blog lately?" (meanwhile kicking myself under the table for having brought it up!)

He says he has a question.
A QUESTION???? SURELY NOT??
I mean REALLY? HE HAS A QUESTION????
The question asked, was if I really thought he wasn't interested in ttwd anymore and he then stated, (again) that he is.
It's been a hectic few weeks, because of kids being around most of the time, it might just need to be every fortnight etc he says, we've reached a plateau.
A PLATEAU???
(Doesn't he mean a grinding all out HALT??? And sorry but, every FORTNIGHT????)
Here's the thing, Mitch doesn't really care if I'm submissive or not and I said this to him.
I mean who really gives a shit if I put knives in a basin of soapy water while hoping I don't cut my fingers off when I go to wash the dishes?
Who really cares if I must wear a skirt or not when I see him?
These things are pretty trivial actually.

So what about.......

Who gives a shit whether I raise my voice and speak horribly to him??
Who really cares if I am moody and will take it out on him, just because I can?
Does it really matter if I criticise him in any way??
What does it matter if any issues that arise can't be solved quickly and with minimal damage??
Who gives a stuff if communication and closeness isn't all it could be??
And distance? Well...... C'mon, distancing yourself from each other has no effects on the relationship either.
I mean, these things don't really matter at all do they?!
Well I don't REALLY need to need Mitch do I? I can take care of myself. Why should/WOULD he care if I need him or not? If there's a better way of doing something, I'll do it my way and completely disregard any suggestions or any offers of help. Plenty couples are like the above and manage to struggle through their relationship don't they? I can do that no problems at all. It saves a lot of time and effort and energy into trying to make it better doesn't it? It saves a lot of time and effort in trying to understand more and grow more within a ttwd relationship doesn't it?

He asked me to explain what submission means. (bear in mind I thought I had in the past but I know he isn't comfortable with the word because he doesn't understand what it means, what it really means.)
And I couldn't.
I could tell him what it isn't though. What it isn't to me that is.
I am not and never will be a doormat.
I will not blindly follow.
I will not lose my personality.
I will not become the meek little lady afraid to open her mouth and say what's on her mind.
I will not become suffocated.
I will not be micro managed.
Etc!!
End of conversation. Neither the time nor the place.
As we were leaving for the train to come home. Mitch was trying to put his jacket on and I was pulling at the sleeve. Pulling it away from him. (I can't even remember why tbh) But he did not like it! I suppose I got a row of sorts. He didn't raise his voice. He didn't say it in a mean horrible way or anything......... But I felt totally crushed.
Why did something as simple as this have me feeling so bad I have no idea. I just know that it did. It changed my carefree, 'happy to be out' mood in an instant.
Once home, I was shattered, emotional ........ and maybe..... a tiny bit tipsy. I had to sleep. Mitch cuddled into me asking what was wrong as I fell asleep on a wet pillow.
We had a few hours the next morning to ourselves. We had breakfast, we got showered, we faffed about doing nothing much...........

Until it was time to go.

I spent, for the most part of our car journey on our way to pick up one of the kids, swallowing the huge lump in my throat and battling to keep the tears at bay. Yes this is exactly how much this affects me I'm totally loathe to admit! Oh well, only 14 days, stretching endlessly out in front of me to wait until the next, no doubt missed or ignored opportunity.
I had a couple of 'are you ok's' - 'you seem a bit distant' later.
DISTANT?? YOU'RE KIDDING ME RIGHT???

But of course I do a great job of pretending and getting by. I may not be able to shake it off completely but I calm down and become resigned and......... Oh yes ........ Maybe a little bit DISTANT!
Now you could argue that I still wasn't feeling 100% but needless to say that didn't even get thought about in regards to carnal practices later of course! Always time and effort for that.
Again I fell asleep with whispered words of "I know there's something wrong, I'm just not sure what it is".
(nobody tell me that he isn't a mindreader please or that I need to TELL him ok! I cannot tell him. I feel I've said enough that it should be slightly more than obvious ok.)

Ok so..... anybody want to help me out here???
Do ANY of YOU know wtf is wrong with me??????
Does ANYBODY have the FAINTEST idea????