Unanswerable questions

I'm feeling very disillusioned with regards to ttwd. What I thought and felt so strongly about, now has me wavering and questioning it all.

It feels more of a sexual kink, to appear occasionally so it doesn't become 'tired', than a tool to better my relationship. Something that's been tried for kicks for a while, but now the novelty of something new has worn off. I don't think of it this way but this is how it's making me 'feel'. Don't get me wrong, it is definitely sexual, but the end result I had in my head...... well that wasn't my purpose. That wasn't what I was hoping to aim for.
I feel I can't communicate anymore about it. Its shocked me how withdrawn I feel now. I feel my communication and openness and enthusiasm for ttwd has waned. I feel so far away and so far removed from it right now that it all seems like a distant memory that happened to someone else.
I am questioning the 'why' of it all all over again. Why does dominance/submission make me feel the way I do? Why does a spanking act as a reset button in me? How can it give me those feelings of calmness and focus and motivation? Why does the very act of this have me feeling safe and secure and cared for? How can it do that?! Why do I want and need it so much? Is it because it can do the above? Because it has this effect on me?
I wonder if I'm not crazy after all.

And then I'm not even entirely sure I'm submissive. I mean submissive submissive...... at all!
I don't want to be controlled to the point where I feel stifled, or suffocated or backed into a corner, and I dont actually because Mitch would never want that for me either......... But one of my dilemmas, is if I feel strongly enough about certain issues, or even if I know that a decision I had made was definitely the right one........ Then how on earth can I submit to somebody else's decision when it goes against everything I 'feel' in my bones........... that would mean not being true to a certain part of myself wouldn't it? Or does being true to yourself have to be given up when in this type of relationship?
But I can't be true to both of us as a whole right now.

That isn't true submission is it? So I guess that must mean I'm not truly wanting or able to 'truly' submit deep down then?
Can there be different levels or limits to submission?
Or is it all or nothing?

I don't think I can do all, so I guess that means it's nothing.

I have had to make a very difficult decision. One that is going to cause stress and upset and hurt feelings. If I hadn't have made it, it would also be causing stress and upset and hurt feelings.
It's a no win situation as far as I'm concerned and one that I have looked at from every angle until my head spins, but there is barely room, if any, for compromise and this has been causing me anxiety for the last few weeks.
But my decision is based upon my children's needs right now. And yes, my needs too....... but not so much.
It is a decision that is polar opposite to Mitch's wants, views and suggestions. It is a decision that keeps us further apart from being able to share a home together.
I have weighed everything up, I have agonised for some time. I must put my children's wants and needs above my own.
There are tough times ahead for me and my girls. I need to minimise these times as much as I possibly can. And my decision is based on this fact.
It is not based on what I want or need, or what Mitch wants or needs, but what is best for us right now whether he sees and understands this or not.
This is something I must do.

He's not going to like my decision. I am worried about telling him. I cannot cope with being attacked from another angle right now. I need him to understand and support my decision but I wonder how can I ask this, when I haven't and cannot support his?

I want nothing more than for us to be together, to merge our families, but it's not the right time. There are too many circumstances against us, and right now......... It is me who will bear the brunt of it all.

And I just don't feel strong enough to cope with that too.

So I wonder, how on earth can ttwd work, and work to it's true intent and purpose given these circumstances? We both need to make the effort. I can't and he isn't. Or I'm not and he can't. Doesn't really matter, either way........... we each have to deal with the fall-out.

I've never felt so lost in turmoil in my life.