(D)eefor(D)esire

Dee is for Distancing

2012-02-12T23:30:00.001Z

I've not got any mega fancy articulate way to wrap this post up in. What I write about, seems a little unfair to me at times when it's always only from MY perspective....... from where I'M sitting. There are of course 2 sides to a story but its only Me Me Me that gets shown..... and so I have been feeling a little....... guilty? of late because of this.
But then I thought...... Well it is MY blog isn't it? If any other perspective is to get shown.......... Well get your own is what I say :)

I've just been thinking (just a little bit) about this subject.
I read a lot about distancing around blogland. It's not something that's really cropped up between Mitch and I to be honest. Well, it's not something we have discussed to any great lengths....... or short lengths :)
I suppose I didn't really think it applied to me, to us. It's not something I (we?) do.

Eh.......... W R O N G!

I do do this. I actually do this, probably, on a fairly regular basis. I just didn't quite realise it and I'm even more positive that Mitch doesn't/hasn't realised that I do this either. I think it would be very very difficult to recognise. I guess I could have been an actress :)
It could be something really really stupidly basic. A true example being:

Me: "Do you want to go to the main menu and see what's on telly for later."(I was going to put a ? at the end but it wasn't really a question lol)
To cut a long story short, 3 programmes are put on the planner that take us up to whatever 'late' time.
Me: "oh, so is that us all decided on what we're going to watch later then?"(yeah occasionally he misses my sarcasm)

So, Mitch is all happy with himself, he's taken me at my word, literally! And I'm sitting beside him trying to control my mouth! Silently put out! Not majorly........ But enough to feel a bit miffed.
And I felt it then. I felt like I was shrinking! (NO! NOT like the wicked witch of the west! :)
But kinda like........ stiff, unyielding. I probably even folded my arms! I didn't trust myself to speak and I was determined in my head that I was NOT going to remotely enjoy watching any one of them!
Now bear in mind this example is pretty mild compared to other things and although I can be as stubborn as stubborn can be, rarely of course :) ......... Well wouldn't you know that the 3 programmes were pretty bloody good and I thoroughly enjoyed every one of them! Grrrrrr!! :)
So the slight distancing was a bit of a waste of energy really!

Now, I think I might give another example....... but from another perspective :)
To let you understand, I'm a bit like a kid watching things. I'm all "why, how, where, what" kinda thing, (yeah annoying I know) but sometimes I can 'enjoy' it better if I know how it ends and I have on occasion, been known, when halfway through a book, to read the last page or two. And if I've watched a film and you haven't, well I can barely contain myself from telling you what happens, so never ever ask ok........... coz I WILL tell you :)

Ok, so......... watching a film. Halfway through I couldn't stand the suspense of not knowing what was coming next and how it would end. I practically begged Mitch to tell me.
And he would not!!!
So I eventually (after much pleading to no avail) stated, that I wasn't going to watch it any longer. At all.
Nope! Blackmail didn't work either. But I'd said what I'd said so.........
I sat in the kitchen.........

And googled the ending.

I'm pretty sure that Mitch did some distancing of his own at that particular point in hindsight because he certainly didn't find it as amusing as I did. Looking back...... at the time...... I was pretty damn chuffed with myself and thought I'd been very clever never mind I thought it very funny. I felt a bit, well that showed you and I won in the end kinda thing.
But now, well even although Mitch didn't make a song and dance about it, (I soooo would have!) he wanted to see and feel my excitement of how the film ended and I, well I kinda wasted it for him didn't I?

So anyhow, a fairly mild outlook on the 'distancing' subject (probably wise not to go any further at the minute :) and I would just like to point out that I can do 'sweet' too ...........

but then,

that's another perspective. Isn't it :)

Hypothetically Speaking.......

2012-02-07T13:35:00.001Z

Ok I'm going to have a hissy fit.

Well........ It wouldn't be a proper hissy fit if you knew it was coming though now right? :)
So I'm going to have myself ......

a hypothetical hissy fit.

Y'know the kind. These are the ways, in which one might think of all the ways, in which a hissy fit might develop.
So if one was going to have a hypothetical hissy fit, which subject would one choose?

What if, at some point in your relationship, you brought the subject of 'ttwd' to your partner, because you trusted them completely with this part of yourself that needed this, this part of youself, that knew, when embraced completely, could enhance your relationship and improve negative behaviours that could possibly, slowly, damage your relationship. And hey, amazingly, they didn't run away screaming, but rather embraced their new role willingly, with much enthusiasm and did just brilliantly?
Imagine taking one step back but maybe 3 steps forward, fairly consistently (ah there's THAT word again) for a good few weeks........ then....

.......Nothing much happening at all?
But alongside reassurances that everything was fine, that ttwd would still continue, that it was taken seriously because the benefits were starting to show.... etc ....... you get my drift I'm sure.
If this were me in this situation, I'd be feeling a number of things:

I'd have an underlying sense/fear that something else was wrong/amiss maybe.
I'd feel unwanted/uncared for/ ignored/ denied/ a burden/ stubborn/ stupid/ uncooperative/ embarrassed/ defeated/ confused/ worried..... and then some.
So what I would want to know is......... Why?

One minute there are rules, there are consequences, there are spankings, there is control, (to a point of course) there are clear lines drawn, there are signs of dominance, subtle and not so subtle on a pretty regular basis, there is submission, subtle and not so subtle.
There is consistency, there is enthusiasm, motivation, creativity, shocks and surprises, confidence, there is understanding, there is meeting ones needs. There is a closeness, feeling cared for, feeling safe, feeling motivated, feeling strong, feeling sexy. There are talks, discussions, there are agreements, there are working around circumstances where necessary..........

Of course if this were me, I wouldn't have a hissy fit. See, I told you it was all hypothetical :)

I'd maybe shut down instead?
I'd maybe just stop talking about it, I'd stop having talks about it. I'd ignore it and push it deep down inside, where it had been for all those years anyways. It's only been out a little while, I'm sure I could make it go back in. Make it go away.
I would maybe build me a tower from the inside out. I'd pretend, but no doubt convince myself, that I don't want nor need ttwd. I'd convince myself that I didn't feel it calling me from the depths of my soul. I've spent the best part of 40 yrs denying this 'need' I feel inside of me. And I could damn well do it again! If this were me :)

So, hypothetically speaking, if it seemed this hard to get back on track, properly, with a better understanding of ttwd and it's processes........... and any talks kinda crashed and burned a little and I felt that I was pushing too much, wanting to talk about it too much because of the confusion surrounding it and because the true purpose of it seemed to have been lost somewhat........... if time and circumstances and general daily life had made things this difficult........ brought us to this stumbling block.........

Well I wouldn't feel anything amiss inside and I wouldn't hide my thoughts and feelings on it because absolutely nothing would be wrong, would it. My inner bitch and stubborn streak would naturally be nowhere to be found. It wouldn't affect me in the slightest and it would have no bearing on my mood or emotional state either and it certainly wouldn't have me reigning in my emotions and closing myself off in any way. It wouldn't have me returning to 'Miss Ultra Independent I don't need anyone and the safest person to lean on is yourself'. I also, of course, wouldn't stop feeling sexy, or attractive and I certainly wouldn't crave some form of firmness and former domination in any way. I wouldn't desperately wish it back either. I wouldn't think anything of half hearted, quick spankings for whatever reasons, where something just didn't seem quite right. I wouldn't feel that words of reassurance without actions to back them up were unusual. And I would certainly not have lost a little self discipline or motivation in any way, shape or form. And of course, I would still have a huge amount of respect for that special guy who could read me so well and act accordingly, who had my best interests at the forefront, who cared how confusing and frustrating ttwd can become and who would perhaps instigate a discussion about it all to help him understand better.
Phew! aren't I glad this isn't me :)

No, if it were me, I'd sit back and go with the flow of course. I'd wait it out and wait for it to pass, trusting that it's part of the process, while quietly and with no pressure, try to understand and in the meantime still try (but probably fail miserably) to uphold my side. I'd try not to feel insufferably selfish and manipulative and I certainly wouldn't blog about it because I would be doing the quiet, understanding, patient thing........... remember! But I'd be readying myself for the possibility of accepting that this is maybe as far as the road gets travelled with ttwd. And of course, I'd accept this completely.

And then I'd have a hissy fit........ smiles sweetly :)

I can do Blatant :)

2012-02-03T11:54:00.001Z

Directions to Meeting Point Maintenance Motorway

Mitch: Hop on the ferry at Inconsistency Island. It's a short journey and won't take long but the water is soooo choppy there that you wish never to return.

You sail extremely quickly past Loopy Lighthouse, absolutely NOTHING to see there AT ALL!

You will arrive at Leather Lake with a very clear view of the Hairbrush Hills, but hurry, because you must pick Dee up by 2pm and you are keen to show her the sights of Paddle Peninsula.

Arrive at Cane Cove at 2pm. You and Dee are now on the same page, together :)

After some sightseeing, get the little boat down Ruler River. You are heading to Belt Bypass where you are to purchase a bag for the various 'items' you have picked up along the way.

The 'meeting' point is now your goal. When you get there, you should have a look in the bookshop. There are a few titles which may interest you. Here are a small selection:

1) Remember The Effects Of Inconsistency.
2) The Devious Mind Of A Spanko.
3) What 'Fine' Really Means.
4) Reading Maps.
5) Maintenance is a Must.
6) How To Give a Powerful Push, Not a Gentle Shove.
7) Reading Between The Lines.
8) It's Not Rocket Science.
9) Ideas On What To Do On Child Free Nights.
10) How Blatant is Blatant.

Now that you have devoured the books in the bookshop and reached your destination.............. You are not hungry, you are not tired, you are not going anywhere else, you realise how gifted Dee is in terms of pure blatancy.............

Now all you have to do is read her blog.

Is it rocket science?

2012-02-02T21:35:00.001Z

I'm sitting here shaking my head at myself! Yes, quite literally! Because I know that what I'm about to post is probably not going to sound all that great, or respectful, or understanding and is going to come across as critical and it certainly won't sound even a teeny bit submissive!
So feel free to join in and everyone can shake their heads at me lol!
I can be my own worst enemy. There's only so many times I'll say or explain about something, especially when it appears to go....... nowhere. And I'm not really in all that of an understanding mood right at this minute. Should I have waited before posting? Most probably, because this probably won't show me in a brilliant light.....

But

what is the point, I wonder, in NOT expressing how something makes me feel? Why should I sugarcoat it? Why should I wait until it passes or until it can be discussed properly and sorted out?
I want to be able to express how I feel at a certain time. That way it's true, it's accurate, it's how I feel right now, right this minute.
This place here, this place where I feel I'm doing not too bad in terms of posting CONSISTENTLY, is the only place I can let rip, freely.

So here goes

What I'd like to know is:

HOW BLATANT DOES ONE REALLY HAVE TO BE?????????

NRT/MOT/TTWD...PMT No wonder I get confused!

2012-02-01T17:57:00.001Z

Any male readers would probably find it best to look away....... NOW :)

Ok soooo ......... I don't get a monthly ....... y'know.
I am all contracepted up, (just have to point out I know that's not a real word by the way) every 3yrs no less.
But while I quite like not having to go through 'this' each month, I still get ....

Dah da daaaaaaa ........

'The Symptoms'.

Not that I turn into this raving loony you understand, nor have I ever I might add :) and I also am fortunate enough to have never suffered from bad cramping etc.........
by this point you may wonder where this is leading!

The symptoms I DO get are tiredness, irritability. I have less patience, my 'snap' line is shorter and I can feel pretty low at times, not to add super sensitive and my little day to day 'worries' may turn into 'huge glass half empty worries' just because they feel left out.
Did I mention ....... Over analytical, over emotional and maybe a teeny weeny bit ............ PSYCHO??
Lol - just kidding on the psycho part but I can get just a tad ...... neurotic? For want of a better word!

The trouble is ................... with having no idea when my monthly cycle hits ..... I usually find I am well in the throes of having little 'episodes' before it occurs to me! I keep intending to write some dates down, did I mention maybe forgetfulness too?? And every time still takes me by surprise. EVERY time seriously!

Do I snap out of the symptoms by myself? Or is it when my hormones stop jumping around all over the place and settle down? I'm not quite sure. I shouldn't complain really coz I'm getting to that age where my hormones just might think about packing their bags, saying I've had enough of this shit and just....... leave!
Can I come too????

So anyhow, as I'm sitting here, analysing ...... and feeling a little tired, a little emotional, a little .......

HEY!!!!!!! I think it might be THAT time again! :(

So THIS is why I was a bit snippy the other night with Mitch. THIS must be why I fell asleep on him rather quickly despite us both playing the naked tango not 2minutes beforehand. And this is why I upped and left his house early afternoon in a flurry of 'I'm fines' and "bye". And why I spent the rest of the day in a low-ish mood!
And why I'm struggling to think about what went wrong, what is wrong, IS there anything wrong?? kinda thing!

Say ta ta to Miss Argumentative and Miss Whatever and say hello to Miss Worry About Anything and Everything AND Miss Super-Sensitive.
What I don't know I could probably make up!

I had an even crappier low day yesterday. (so crappy in fact that spanking wasn't even on my mind!) I spent most of it battling tears and I would have hidden it well from Mitch...... had I not had a visit that night. I can talk, act totally normally but my eyes are a dead giveaway!
For once he didn't have to wheedle it out of me. Once I started talking, it just kept coming and I could more pinpoint the trigger if you like which was more outside of our relationship influences. We lay on the couch, me laying in front of him, enveloped, and he started to massage my head. Ok so I don't think I've ever had anybody comfort and speak to me so sweetly before in quite the same way so naturally I started crying again. I spent the night with him wrapped around me, keeping me tight within his arms, making me feel safe. Have I said how much I love this man. He told me, (yes it was made clear he wasn't asking but telling) that I'd to go back to bed in the morning after the kids left for school. And I did. And I slept. And I still feel tired! But, I also feel a bit better. I know this because my mind is starting to think about 'certain' things again! Lol!

I wrote the above a couple of days ago but couldn't find it in me to bother finishing it. When I came back to it, I started catching up on reading blogs only to find that there is a similar kinda theme out there. Lol! What is happening to us ladies? Something in the water again perhaps. Or maybe it's an age thing? Whatever it is, I'm not entirely sure I like being a grown-up......

Questions, Answers and worrisome statements.

2012-01-26T17:42:00.001Z

Some have made me laugh. Some have made me squirm, some have made me inwardly quiver with desire......... and some have just downright shocked me.

Mitch = Black
Dee = Red

In no particular order:

"go to the bedroom right now, take your boots off and go stand in the corner and think about the way you just spoke to me".
(Please note that boots connecting with bedroom wall can be heard in another room)

"lift your skirt, pull your panties down and bend over".
(quiver :)

"have you been reading at all....... anywhere..... in............ blogland.......?"
"No".

"y'know I read blogs from your blog list from time to time".
(damn!!!! Why did I ask!)
"Do you? Really? Whose? When? WHAT HAVE YOU READ ABOUT??"

"You forgot?? Well I'm sure you won't be forgetting again anytime soon after today".
"yeowww"

"stop kicking your feet. Don't even think about putting your hand back."
"OUCH!" (ok ok, I didn't hear you the first time!)

"I like to change things sometimes so's you don't always know what to expect is coming".
(Who are you again?)

"ok, that's us done" ...... (inward sigh of relief) ....... "until Part 2"...... (Oohhh!)

"THAT'S enough!!!"
(quiver :)

Taking implements out of bag.......
"is this all we have?"
"EH?? What?? That's not enough for you??!)

"my hand is going kinda tingly and numb".
(My heart, well it just bleeds....)

"I'm spanking you just for being so damn sexy".
(smile)

"I think I really like this corset paddle".
(but whyyyyy?)

"look, there's a rough bit on this corset paddle"
"that's ok, I can sandpaper that bit"
(Shhhh don't mention the 'sandpaper' word!)
"oh but look, that's looks like a crack in the wood. I think that IS a crack in the wood. Look, this HAS got a crack running down through it".
"No it hasn't, that's just the way the grain of the wood is running".
"are you sure??"
...... The Look.

"are there different levels of maintenance? As in low, medium, high?"
"ermmm, I'm not sure. I suppose there could be".
(Frantically thinking where this could be going!)

"I think low when there are kids in the house. Medium when they're out but not for all that long, and high for when there are no kids and plenty of time."
(he's looking too pleased with himself!)

"are you looking forward to your maintenance?"
"ah that's a double-edged sword. Yes and no. Yes because I need it really and no because well we've just had this 'low, medium, high' thing going on and....... the kids are at schoooool!"

"I'm really getting to like this cane".
(but whyyyyy?)
"maximum impact with minimal effort"
(Yes! I did read an extract or two from one of Sara's posts out loud!)

"once the kids go to school, we'll be having a bit of maintenance. Ok?!"
(a look that's similar to a rabbit caught in headlights)
"OK??!"
"ok".

"ok I think we're done. So how would you rate this maintenance session? Low, Medium or High?"
(said with just a little too much of a touch of amusement for my liking!)
"Eh........ HIGH!!!!!)

"I'm thinking we should be trying the Loopy out more ... (ok! Stop RIGHT THERE....... Hell No!) ....... to find your tolerance level with it".
"that's not necessary, I KNOW my tolerance level with it. There is none!"
"it seems such a shame to have bought it and never using it".
"it's fine. REALLY".
(f**k f**k f**k ....... Why, WHY did I ever buy it?!!)

"I really like this Loopy".
(ok sorry, but F**K!)

"now we've more of an idea of your Loopy tolerance level......... you'll know that if I catch you smoking......... "
:((

"I've hurt my knuckle"
"ok, (said while OTK!) I'm having a really hard time trying to feel ~~a single shred of~~ any sympathy".
"Oh really??".
"owwwwww".

"we'll be having another maintenance session on Monday".
"I think the kids might be off school that day".

"I love You".
"I Love You Too".

:) :)

Ode To A Haggis

2012-01-25T09:11:00.001Z

Robert Burns is Scotland's best-loved bard and Burns Suppers have been held in his honor for over 200 years. Among many Scots, his best know poems are Auld Lang Syne and Ode To A Haggis.

Robert Burns was born January 25, 1759, in Alloway, Ayrshire, Scotland, to William Burnes, a poor tenant farmer, and Agnes Broun. Robert Burns was the eldest of seven children. He spent his youth working his father's farm, but in spite of his poverty he was extremely well read - at the insistence of his father, who employed (1772) a tutor, John Murdoch, for Robert and younger brother Gilbert. At 15 Robert was the principal worker on the farm and this prompted him to start writing in an attempt to find a suitable outlet for his circumstances." It was at this early age that Burns penned his first verse, "My Handsome Nell", which was an ode to the other subjects that dominated his life, namely scotch and women.

He moved around the country, eventually arriving in Edinburgh (1886), where he mingled in the illustrious circles of the artists and writers who were delighted at the "Ploughman Poet." In a matter of weeks he was transformed from local hero to a national celebrity, fussed over by the Edinburgh literati of the day, and Jean Armour's father allowed her to marry him (1788), now that he was no longer a lowly wordsmith.

Robert Burns died July 21, 1796 at the age of 37. His death occurred on the same day his wife, Jean, gave birth to his last son, Maxwell.

Rabbie Burns, we salute you!

ODE TO A HAGGIS

Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great Chieftan o’ the Puddin-race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang’s my arm

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
You pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o’need
While thro’ your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead

His knife see Rustic-labour dight,
An’ cut you up wi’ ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright
Like onie ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reeking, rich!

Then, horn for horn they stretch an’ strive,
Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive,
Till a’ their weel-swall’d kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive
Bethankit hums

Is there that owre his French ragout,
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi’ perfect sconner,
Looks down wi’ sneering, scornfu’ view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckless as a wither’d rash
His spindle-shank a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro’ bluidy flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He’ll mak it whissle;
An’ legs, an’ arms an’ heads will sned,
Like taps o’ thrissle

Ye pow’rs wha mak mankind your care,
An’ dish them out their bill o’fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu’ pray’r,
Gie her a Haggis!

A random beginning, middle and end.

2012-01-23T17:25:00.001Z

Apologies beforehand. This is a totally off the cuff post and I have no idea where it's going to go. I'm just typing and going with the flow. I guess whoever reads this, and myself, will know where it's went when we get to the end of it.

I'm not having a very good day. I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of negativity.
It's quite difficult keeping blogger so separate from the 'normal' daily life. To keep certain things private that nobody has any idea what you're talking about except you. I mean, I know it has to be that way but when things are difficult or when you feel things are falling apart or when all the crap that happens in vanilla world affects your mood.......... Well it's kinda hard to see things logically and rationally sometimes........ or even positively. I seem to be more........ emotionally affected by things these days. I 'feel' things more. I'm not saying I was a cold hard bitch before mind :) ....... (I sooo wasn't) but I'm wondering if ttwd is playing more of a part here. Because it requires honesty and transparency and total openness.......... It leaves me feeling wide open with vulnerability too.

Sometimes, no matter how little, or huge the reason, it can have me over-thinking, over-analysing, and most likely over-reacting, or maybe that's just me but it makes me want to just hide in a little dark corner until I feel like getting back up again. It puts me in 'hermit' mode.

No, I don't suffer from depression, but I do feel the weight of responsibility of the life I have at times. I do feel the weight of the daily grind of everyday life and the trials and tribulations that go with it.
Some days it can be a bit like groundhog day. Well no actually, that's not true, it IS groundhog day EVERY day, only depending on my mood, is how I cope with that. And the majority of the time, I can and DO cope perfectly well but I've picked myself up so many times over the years that it feels kinda old. Kinda weary. I feel kinda weary. At times. Today actually.

And it's times like these that I start wondering when I'm going to have to pick myself up again.
When will the next hurdle be?
I usually jump over any hurdles and have in the past, usually landed on my feet, or what felt like a fail at the time, turned out to be exactly the way it should have went.
Some days I can crash right through them, breaking them into little pieces. Hurdles? What hurdles? Kinda thing.
But days like today, I run up, ready to jump....... But my feet won't lift off the ground. And I come to a halt.
It's days like these, that I stand and look at the hurdle. Wondering how best to tackle it.
I may just manoeuvre my way around this one. In doing so, I ignore it and hope it goes away. I can't change it. I can't fight it. It's impossible for me to control. It's almost just as impossible for me to accept 'happily' and without doubt.
So I'm working on the 'sideways' approach.
The sideways approach is in cahoots with denial and blissful ignorance.
The sideways approach means that outwardly, all is well with the world. Inwardly there are doors slamming closed and self protection mode is on full alert.
The sideways approach also reminds me that the harder and deeper you love, the harder and deeper you fall.

Don't misunderstand me though, I haven't fallen. I don't intend to. But nobody ever does do they. What I mean is, I've fallen in the past, I remember that blinding, all consuming pain.
And sometimes, just sometimes, the wisp of the memory of that comes back, for whatever reasons, and pushes, pulls, edges it's way in. Taunting me. Making me wonder if I'm a fool to have learned to love and trust so deeply again. I fight against this with all I have. I trust my heart more now than I ever have before. I trust in what it tells me.
I am a great believer of it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all but it takes a lot of courage to open your heart again. To expose it again so willingly. It is sometimes so very very hard to keep those wisps of memories from seeping through the old cracks, that have healed, but that have made the heart that tiny little bit more fragile.
My heart is more open and honest now that it ever has been.

And this terrifies me sometimes.

NRT versus TTWD

2012-01-19T14:09:00.001Z

Ok. This is serious now. No cheating.
It's taken me a week to open my nicotine replacement therapy stuff from the smoking cessation meeting I took myself off to.

I was scared to open it in case it worked! I know.......crazy right?!

But, bear in mind this will sound like a not very great achievement, but I stopped smoking a FULL 24hrs ago!!!!
THIS is a huge achievement for me I'm not kidding.

So...... I'm all patched up, have a wee plastic tube to puff on should I need to and have also today survived my 1st social encounter with a friend who smokes!

I'm actually feeling rather proud of myself.

Remember when I said that ttwd and trying to stop smoking just wasn't going to work? Well, can I change my mind :)
There's been a little flurry of activity on the 'consistency' side of things.
Two other things:

If I break, and have a cigarette now - it equals 10 of the cane!
Yes, you heard me right!! So say I have 5 ciggies, that would mean 50??? !!!!

Ok this sounds a bit harsh even to me, but being perfectly honest...... The way me and ciggies love each other so much....... I need harsh. Harsh is scary.

Harsh is working!!!

AND, he is staying, with me, every night for however many nights to help me get over the initial hurdle if you like. Now aside from the fact I'm loving this :) it is also having a kinda psychological effect on not cheating etc because I have to look him square in the eye every night. I'm very aware that should my willpower crumble...... he is going to be right there! No waiting, no hesitation, no excuses.

And I really don't want 10 of that cane!

I just want to shout out how much I appreciate his efforts, how much it is helping and how supported I feel right now. It's early days but I feel a teeny glimmer of 'maybe I can do this' :)

The perils of inconsistency

2012-01-15T11:11:00.001Z

I never ever thought much about the consistency word before. Well certainly not in relation to ttwd.
And so it amazes (and disheartens) me how it can and does affect me now.
It makes me feel like a bit of a freak actually....... because of the way it affects me now.

Now that Pandora's box has been opened, or maybe that should be 'can of worms'.......... now that the proverbial cork is out of the bottle........

It's just not something I can push back in and forget it's not there, ttwd. I can't close the lid on the box no matter if I wanted to and that bottle is open now and I like the taste of what's inside..... so that cork is just not going to be a tight fit anymore, probably never again.
I can try to close the lid, I could try to get that cork back in, but I'd be denying myself something. I'd be hiding from it.
I'd be lying to myself.

Is this not one of the most scariest things EVER? To have a taster of something that you had denied for soooo long, and then not just want it, but to need it so much?!

I feel really uncomfortable with my 'neediness'. Because when this 'thing' you want and need is not there, or when you can see and almost taste the carrot that dangles in front of you, and then not be able to reach it.......
Well it just feels horrible!
And it feels stupid and childish.
It feels petty and needy.
And pressurising and unrealistic.
Crazy and demanding. Addictive?

I am, of course, able to rationalise. The world is not going to end because I haven't been spanked.

Is it? ........ :)

I just want to get all this crap down here, because it actually HELPS me become more rational. And I need (there's that 'need' word again, I think this is my new 'uncomfortable with word' instead of 'submissive' now) to just type out how inconsistency makes me feel and I suppose if I get more accustomed to it, these feelings may dilute and not seem such a big deal? Ha! :/ Yeah right!

So, to cut a fairly short story even shorter, I'll just be blunt ok.... yeah I know, sooooo unlike me!
It was indicated in no uncertain terms, (no uncertain to me that is) that I'd be facing a spanking later.....
....... And I didn't. Basically.

Whether it be play or serious, inconsistency is inconsistency.
This is what it does to me, how it affects me, even though I have an inward battle with myself to stop it, I try but it eventually works it's way from the inside, to the outside. Seriously, if you had to look at me......... I would probably be like an open book! Ugh!

Ok so first off, that moment (after all the other tense moments leading up to this moment that I hold and hide inside) when I realise that nothing is going to be happening....... when there is NO mention/explanation/re-scheduling..... when there is no mention of it AT ALL, it's like I can literally feel all the doors that I've opened inside of me, slam shut. And then they slam shut on the outside. (If you want me to be REALLY dramatic I would say that I turn inward and have the padlock and deadbolts at the ready!) Am I the person with the key? Probably for the most part. But it's the person who has the strength to remove the deadbolts that would be able to open the door))

Secondly, my body language changes. I tense. It's all rather involuntary. I kinda liken it to developing this invisible shield around me that screams 'keep away'.

Thirdly, I try to keep the disappointment, the instant deflation I feel, as far away from my facial expression that I can. I try to act 'normally'. (normally she says... !)

Fourth, I fail at #3 but I ain't telling, I ain't saying ANYTHING!

This is where I try to convince myself that I'm not bothered, at all! That it doesn't matter. It's no big deal. Get over it already! I'm big on denial. I start to attempt to rationalise. It's late, he's tired. You're tired. Etc etc.
By the time a wee while has passed, (perhaps even overnight if I manage to ignore the gnawing frustration) I have a mountain.
He's tired turns into - he can't be bothered.
It's too much effort, into - I'm too much effort.
It's not all that important into, - I'm not 'important enough'.
It's too often? into, - it's too overwhelming and too much to think about/take on....... Do.
He just doesn't think about it the same way I do into, - I'm crazy/insane/kinky/stupid/weird.
You get me?
Then I go down the road of (I know, I over analyse and fail miserably with logic) - ok, so when I'm tired and can't be bothered, when I feel it's not all that important, too much effort etc.......
Why should I follow any rules?
Why should I write in my book?
Why should I wear a skirt? Etc etc
Why should 'I' still have to make the effort??
I feel I've made a noticeable (to me) effort this past week. (apart from the smoking thing which is not going to be 'ttwd' suited to us or our circumstances by the way) I've been trying really hard all week and no, it wasn't an effort. I've written in my book every single day, which feels stupid now so much that I want to rip out what I've written. I've been pretty much model respectful. Except for last night. I wasn't acting out as such, I prefer 'sarcastically teasing'. And I did not realise it, but I unintentionally was a bit hurtful, which was pointed out to me and I felt awful. Is inconsistency my punishment I can't help wondering? So now, I feel that issue is unresolved. For me anyhow. The guilt still lingers around me even though I apologised. I'm wondering if Mitch still feels hurt by my words. The 'promised' spanking for whatever other reason, would have paved the way to also resolving this. To dealing with it, talking it over, and dissolving it. A clean slate again for whoever needs it actually.

But here's the thing, "you ok?"
Of course I'm ok, because I'd rather lick the dirt off the sole of my shoe than be able to say, well actually.....................

And what is more frustrating is by the time I reach the point of 'I'm trying but failing to pretend I'm FINE, I'm trying to not be bothered over something so stupid, I'm trying to remain in a 'soft, submissive like state' and trying to tell myself that the mounting attitude that I can feel starting to trickle through those doors is counter-productive.......... well it's too flippin late to resolve anything anyways. Ugh!!

I mean, it's not like I don't have a million and one other things to worry about in my life you realise, but all that is for everywhere else......... fb :) NOT blogger :)

Being the 'spanko' in a relationship (who still feels a bit, well, a bit ashamed of it, most especially at times like these) with a non-spanko who pretty much had this all sprung on him......... I'm not criticising his efforts. He has been absolutely, and still is, totally accepting, understanding, accommodating and enthusiastic. And it IS a lot of work and effort for Mitch. But I have to also point out that it takes a lot of work and effort on my part too, it may not be as noticeable as swinging a paddle or the like, but it's still there. (I mean, it's an effort trying to remain in place during a spanking y'know!! :)
But seriously, how can anyone, who is not a spanko, ever fully realise and understand the need for consistency, and what it feels like when its..... inconsistent. It doesn't matter 'why' it doesn't happen. It doesn't even matter if I understand why. What I take away is that 'I'm just not worth the time, energy or effort'. Even when I know that this isn't really the case.

Inconsistent consistency. Now there's a tongue twister.

In for a penny..... in for a ........

2012-01-14T21:13:00.001Z

Y'know that way when the words 'you' - 'trouble' - ......... 'later'!!!!! are mentioned?

Well these words have a weird kinda reverse psychological effect on me.

And while these words surprised me a little tonight (until I thought about it!) ...... I'd still kinda rather know! If you know what I mean.

But............. See now I figure seeing as I'm in trouble anyways......

I can't seem to help myself. In for a penny in for a pound and all that! Does anybody else do this or is it just me? :/

Kickstart?

2012-01-12T14:15:00.000Z

I've been thinking quite a bit about this the last couple of days. This submission thing.

I'm wondering why I feel submissive sometimes more than others, because I'm feeling it....... more...... lately.
I'm wondering if the spanking I received on Monday (with little warm-up I might add!!!!) has had more of an effect than what I've first thought.
Aside from feeling the sense of calm from deep inside of me that only a sore bottom seems to be able to achieve........
has the fact that the lines of communication that are now open again, the reassurance that I feel, the focus that I feel more keenly now...... and because of being in that vulnerable position and being given a hard spanking......... is this why I feel it more right now? I mean I know it shouldn't matter whether I 'feel it more' really or not......... it's something I have chosen to do, to give and not only just when I feel like it, but over the last couple of days, I've felt more satisfaction from it. I've FELT IT MORE. I'm noticing it more! It feels more natural and easy? It's just very consciously................. there.

It's just little things.
Yesterday, waiting on Mitch's arrival. Make-up on, hair done, skirt on :) I still feel excited waiting on him.

Me taking kisses from him rather than waiting on getting one.

I've been more conscious of how I speak to him, my tone, my manners etc.

My car has had trouble starting (insert major scream here!) and he told me to park it facing down the hill rather than up. Normally I would forget, or I just wouldn't heed the advice for whatever reason but I'm parking it the way he wants me to and I'm very conscious about it.

I've also been writing in my book again without being reminded. (it had kinda fallen by the wayside)

The biggest 'little' thing for me has been regarding my daughter, her bike.... and her helmet.

Mitch is a keen cyclist. He would never go out without the proper safety headwear. And this applies to those around him. If I had a bike, (that wasn't rusty and prehistoric!) he would not allow me to use it without a helmet.
My daughter is refusing to wear her helmet and is in the process of trying to wear me down....... pretty constantly I might add! (scream insert here)
(by this stage, she had already been grounded and is not allowed to use her bike unless she wears it and after a long talk, explaining etc, I thought she had understood and was ready to comply...... not so yet it seems!)
Now some of her friends don't wear them and y'know how kids don't like to be 'different' but it's to protect her.
I hate to admit that pre-d/d, I would have probably ended up relenting and giving in for all the wrong reasons. Because I would have been worn down after days of ~~arguments~~ discussion and it would have been easier to give in. I would worry about her 'standing out from the crowd' and the constant tears, bargaining and tantrums along with dealing with other routine issues with her sisters............. well, you get my drift no doubt.
But....... of course aside from knowing that this is an issue where there will be no compromising on for obvious reasons, I'm also extremely conscious of what Mitch would say to me (and do!!) if I relented and crumbled under the pressure that only a 9yr old is capable of dishing out!
I'm mildly surprised that it's this that's forefront in my mind. I mean.... how/why/when did THAT happen??
It's not that I'm afraid of what he would say and I really have no idea if it would be a spankable offence if I relented, it's more of how disappointed in me he would be that has me standing so firm. (and that I want my daughter to be safe goes without saying)
It's also of how annoyed with me he would be and how he would despair at my lack of willpower that I keep thinking about.
Pre-d/d it wouldn't have mattered to me what he thought so much and what his preferences were on this particular issue. I'd have gone and done what I wanted regardless. It is after all my house, my children, my responsibility.

Well that's how I used to look at it. And of course, ultimately they are, it is......... But he is part of our lives. Not just mine, but theirs. And I want them to also look to him for advice, support, for guidance. And they actually do. Very naturally.
So when we come to combine our little families together........ the path will be somewhat paved........ if you understand.
And if we were already living together, then this particular issue would no doubt be a firm rule, a rule that I, in particular, for the safety of the children, would be expected to adhere to.
So I asked Mitch to show my daughter a video or some pics that show the damage that can happen when not wearing the proper safety wear........... this appears to have worked. Fingers crossed.

So anyways, aside from all that, I'm definitely relating the return of Mitch's 'dominance' in relation to the apparent return of my 'submissive' state. I suppose you can have one without the other but I'm finding that I need to feel this from him, on a regular basis, before I feel that softness in me and it somehow kick-starts my willingness to comply and I certainly had a kick start on Monday.

But this is my other 'wonder' for today......

In order to uphold this submissive side of me, (I'm even wondering if it is all that submissive actually, reading over this post, its seems more like common sense and a sense of consideration to your partner that should really be apparent anyways, or maybe I think this more now because of ttwd and the thoughts that it generates?) I wonder if I need 'kick-started' a bit more firmly, a bit more regularly. Hmmmm...........

Here's where we're at.

2012-01-10T00:00:00.000Z

So......... The Smoking thing........

Hi, my name is Dee and I am STILL addicted to nicotine. It's been ................................. 3 seconds since my very last cigarette.
And you know what?

It's been really easy so far....... I haven't maimed or even killed anybody yet :/

Sigh..... A MAJOR sigh!

I'm beginning to wonder if I have any willpower AT ALL with these things!

I received an unexpected visitor yesterday..... and so did my behind!

Visitor #1 - Mitch...... with a very specific purpose in mind!

Visitor #2 - THE corset........ with also, a very specific purpose in mind!

Ok so I must have been tickled over the weekend, coz his

HAND .....

HURT ..........

.......... A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He didn't even have a cup of T first, oh no........ it was all straight down to it!
Can't help thinking that I'm glad I got those 3 important things done first thing that he had asked me to do. Or it could have been worse! ........ Maybe?
And I wore a skirt as requested. Won't make THAT mistake again.
I struggled staying still, I put my hand back just the once (well it gains me an extra swat on EACH cheek now and he had that damn paddle in his hand again by this point!) and by the time he'd finished, I was very sorry about that 20 pack that the shop made me buy that morning when I went in for milk!
Never mind that he had me say "I am a very naughty girl who deserves to be spanked" - arghhh excruciating! I guess it could have been worse though, he could have had me write that 100 times!

No really....... flippant I may be, but I WAS sorry. I've not really been trying all that hard if I'm honest, and I've made it more difficult for him too. (I can be very ~~manipulative~~ persuasive when I want to be! :) never mind the fact that we agreed only the night before that neither of us would buy any more. And there I go and blatantly disregard our agreement, with not a trace of guilt whatsoever........ until he told me (and showed me) just how disappointed he was.
So here I am, not on my usual perch where I would inhale all sorts of toxic fumes, but someplace else with a newfound sense of respect for my man :)
He may (through not so much fault of his own) have taken a little time to get us back on track...... but my doubts have now gone. He took me only so far towards the edge today, just far enough for him to make the lesson stick....... and far enough for me to realise that I'll be reaching the edge and going well over if I don't at the very least properly try. (I don't think 12hrs (8 of those spent sleeping) qualifies as 'properly trying' somehow........ does it??)
I'm kidding, I'm kidding :)

And so we try again. Except now...... I will have a reminder for the next couple of days I think, and with the knowledge that should I fail or be dishonest again, (well if he hadn't asked I don't think I would have told him) well........... there really is no need to clarify is there ?!

Ps: 1 pkt of crisps / 1 bar of chocolate & a pkt of Haribo's were consumed during the making of this post.

A bird? A plane? No..... It's a tattie :)

2012-01-09T19:10:00.001Z

If I'd thought earlier, I would have drawn initials on it, but I cut it up and had it for T instead. But.... I have assigned it to a special contact :) amazing what you can do with an iPhone :))
You may not see me for a day or two while I look out other appropriate pics for the remainder of my contacts now that I've realised I can do this :p
By the way.......... I'm thinking more 'loveheart' shape than anything else :)

Back in the game :)

2012-01-09T00:00:00.001Z

Well. I got what I asked for....... and a bit more.
Things came to a head, late on Thursday night. Here was me thinking I was doing a rather spectacular job of being.......... fine........
..... when I started getting put on the spot.
I'm not complaining though because this was what I wanted wasn't it. For him to notice.

I don't know why I had such a hard time communicating this particular time.
Well, I do I suppose. I was scared. Deep down scared in case my thoughts and neurotic behaviours :) were correct. Worrying that Mitch was just........ not all that bothered with ttwd anymore. I keep needing to remind myself that he doesn't think about it as much as I do. He couldn't possibly! but also that he doesn't think about it 'the same'. Men just process things differently.
But he is coming to recognise (although he has always been quite perceptive) when I have something I really should be spitting out, instead of sitting on it. So to speak :)
And so it began. The questions. My denial. The thoughts I'd been thinking were more or less dragged from my lips under intense and inescapable scrutiny!

Squirm squirm....

here was me having closeness/spanking withdrawal symptoms, and then..... first denying anything and everything and then refusing to be spanked. So I got cuddles and attention in other ways, which of course softens me, softens those hard edges I'd developed as a defence mechanism, and I tried to fight that too....... but I never can. I just like to at least pretend I am immune, on occasion, to the sexual power Mitch has over me. I hate that I literally melt when he touches me, I hate that he knows this.......... But I also love it and wouldn't want it any other way.

I got a few light strokes of the cane but for some reason can't remember if that was before or after we re-found our.......... 'closeness' :)
But regardless, it had us opening up again to each other, we talked a little more, not quite as much as maybe we should have, but he reassured me some and it paved the way for........
Friday night.
I found myself facing the corner. I was supposed to be thinking about something I'd said earlier, how I'd said it, but truth be told, I'd been playing on the side of slightly disrespectful for a few days up to this point so I struggled to think.......Oh........ and because of the whole..... invisible skirt thing too!
I'm not sure what I think of corner time. I find it hard not to fidget and keep wondering what I must look like there. But it's not all that bad when fully clothed. It was only when I was told to remove my top and push my jeans down, and a few minutes like that, that I started to take it seriously!
So ok, THIS is embarrassing and takes vulnerability to a different level. And do you know what....... it actually DOES make me think! And guess what?!........ The skirt thing?........ well I kinda regretted not wearing one as I know Mitch (and me too actually) likes me to, because turning and shuffling isn't all that great........ OR easy!
A few 'ouchy' minutes followed where I wondered where my long term memory goes with regards to spanking. Must be that amnesia thing. And then of course, trying to get up with jeans, that have somehow in the process wrapped themselves weirdly around your ankles. Well........ NOT a great look.
Skirts it is then eh.

Skipping to Saturday and short-term amnesia....... I did as a friend suggested. I was still feeling a bit unsure, a bit 'not 100%' convinced, still a bit frustrated.......... I sent Mitch an email, just like I used to do. It was a bit of a mish mash of rambling, and it's still excruciating..... But I managed to tell him I'd sent one........ today! Lol! Better late than never though :)

The thing is, after I'd sent the email, that he didn't realise he had until today, we had touched on the fact that I really, probably, maybe needed more. Which is why that damn cane came out again (for quiet purposes but I actually think he's getting to like it a bit too much!) and yes......... after that........ I felt it. That calmness you get. That extra closeness. It's quite a feeling even if it takes that to get there. And it makes me talk. Its easier to talk, mostly afterwards :) I'm not sure why? Maybe the fact that when you're bending over, bottom bared..... that you really can't hide anything anymore. It's not just a bottom that's bared at this point. It's so much more than that.

As for the smoking........ Well that's another story, maybe......

Temporary amnesia

2012-01-05T12:39:00.001Z

Ok this is where I pretend I have amnesia and have no recollection of any advice in any way, shape or form.

Y'know that little thought that flits through your head, telling you, that it's probably not all that great an idea to post when you're in the midst of........ whatever.
That it's probably best to wait until you're nice and calm...... and able to be rational?

Well I have amnesia! I'm sure my brain told me this just a second ago...... but I can't remember.

My brain, (yes I do have one but it has amnesia remember!) is also telling me that I should TALK! What strikes me, ironically enough, is that I love to talk! I'm really good at it.....

When it suits me!

I just CANNOT talk right now. I just CANNOT bring the whole ttwd subject up.

I JUST CANNOT DO IT!! (and if I was on the laptop instead of my phone, I'd also be adding in these brackets AND WHY SHOULD I! but they'd be in tiny letters....... so just imagine them like that please)

Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!

I have a new F word!

I want to scream it out loud!

FFFFFFFFFfffffffffffffffrustration !

I hide..... he seeks.

2012-01-03T21:38:00.001Z

I've been hiding since Monday. From Mitch, from my last post.......

From cigarettes...........

I've found it really difficult to read over my last 2 posts but more so the last one, and its comments. It took me a wee while to come back to it. And still it was hard.

Why did I feel like squirming when reading over it?
Well mostly because I feel as if I've came across as a raving madwoman! Lol! Ok, that part may be true on occasion :) but........ No, I squirmed a bit because I've been unfair. Unfair to Mitch most probably. And I don't like it...... this feeling that I've been unfair.

Arms folded, chin raised.......... pouting!!!

Remind me again what age I am!

It's as simple as this -

I was not well. Mitch handled things the way he should have. He relaxed the rules because of this.
It's been a busy time lately.
Stressful at times for us both.
But also chilling out/relaxed times.
Ttwd has been skirted over but lack of communication (ok namely from me!) has brought us to this point.
Discovering that Mitch is indeed, not a mindreader and MM made a very good point (grrrr) about taking things as they appear to be and not as they really are.
Well I guess I made things 'appear' rather ok. Well, if you discount my attitude and defiance that is......

I realise Mitch probably had no idea of what mad thoughts were running through my head. I'm not even sure I did at the time. It was only when I had the space to think it over..... that I over-reacted....... a tiny wee bit :)

I've been really thinking about my reactions, and how confusing they must be at times, to Mitch. We are probably at the stage where fine really does mean fine. But it isn't..... really. But how can he know this if I don't tell him!
And no......... I don't like the whole - you say fine, you get spanked scenario thanku very much! So Shhhhh :)

So now, (trying not to ramble too much in the haze of nicotine denial) after managing to force myself to read the comments on my last post, I feel quite humbled. And rather apologetic.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up with a big stick or anything.........

It's just........... I think the 'uncomfortableness' that I'm feeling right now due to my behaviour..... is not a patch on how uncomfortable and squirmy I'm going to be feeling later tomorrow!!

I finally came out of hiding to face my blog comments today.
The evil nicotine found me and managed to corrupt my mind x 3.

But Mitch has also drawn me out of my hiding place...... I only realised this when he asked me to bring a couple of things to his tomorrow night......

and ............ the 'bag' ............

I surprised myself in having a "oh shit" moment! How ironic really!
Backtracking is not going to save me here this time I don't think!

Great start to the New Year.... not so much!

2012-01-02T19:15:00.001Z

I'll get my Happy New Year everybody in first before I start moaning ok :)

Ok! I don't know what's wrong with me! I've spent more time with Mitch than usual and I've been nothing short of a crabby bitch! And this was before I stopping smoking!!!!!

Oooh don't worry though coz I'm getting to that! ! !

There hasn't been any 'alone' time the last few days so no doubt this has played a part!
It's very frustrating at times but it's just the way things are. It's all about timing....... at times.

Not to mention the banging sore head I had had for 3 days...., this did NOT help!

I've feel like I've taken a rather large backward step. I feel Mitch has taken one with me. Whatever happened to consistency??
Whether it be a mixture of me being unwell, the time of year, the lack of privacy, circumstance........ I'm still not sure.
Up until 4 days ago I was actually ok.
Ok about the lack of spanking going on. Ok about being ...... just too tired.
Etc.

Now........... Well now I'm not.

There hasn't been any spanking going on really (apart from that short one that I can't really count) since I shed those tears that night. That's quite long ago...... Well..... it IS to a spanko!! But the need has crept up on me only over the last few days.

I feel quite guilty about the hard time I've given Mitch since Friday. I guess I was pushing some of those buttons too but to no avail. I wouldn't say it was 'that' deliberate but well........ I was getting away with it so........

Oh I had a warning or two, I actually had a promise or few.............
I was told to 'get the cane out' more than once. I point blank refused. And this was apparently ok too.
I've worn jeans the last 2 days. (aren't I mega brave and defiant eh!!) This was not ok yesterday....... but was apparently ok today!
I've been getting mixed signals, mixed messages that has had me jumping out of my skin in frustration! But in quiet frustration. Answering I'm fine to the "are you okays?" and I have been fine. Fine........ isn't that a shitty word?!

But everything seems all mixed up. And I don't know why. And I'm worried about why. It seems to me that since I cried, things have been slightly different and I'm not so sure it's all down to other outside factors. I'm still not so sure it hasn't put Mitch off no matter what he says. He has assured me it hasn't, and that things will get back to 'the norm' etc...... but they haven't. And so I'm not convinced, even though we have talked it over.

I suppose maybe part of me has been acting out to see what reaction I'll get. I wonder if I've been trying to prove to myself that things ARE different since then. Or maybe I'm just playing the paranoid card?
Whatever is it....... I've been well outta line and literally flaunting my disregard of the rules......... There have been no consequences for doing so...... And so I've continued.
Why should I bother about this or that or the next thing, when he can't be bothered! I'm not meaning this to sound completely stroppy and heartless! I'm aware Mitch might be sitting thinking the exact same thing but the other way around! Especially given my behaviour so I'm probably not the only one who has been getting mixed signals.
But it's like trying to get off a roundabout y'know.
You keep going round and round, unable to stop, incapable of slowing down, until someone decides enough is enough. But when is enough enough?
I feel confused about the lack of interest in our newfound dynamic just now. I want to know it's still there. I need reassured, more, that it's still there. I guess I've been trying to prove to myself that it IS still there. I've given Mitch plenty opportunity over the last few days to step it up, deliberately or not..... to SHOW me that it's all ok, that ttwd is still the way that we want to take things. I have been verbally assured there is no problem but with nothing to back it up.
And what's more confusing is whether it be something I want or need, since the tears episode, it's also something that I now feel I have to fight against. Hence the point blank refusal. I feel the want, probably more of the need right now but also a stronger sense of resistance. Whenever I think back to my crying that night........ I think I need a bit of encouragement in the form of "there is no option" kinda thing. The resistance is taking over and I cannot go as freely as I normally would. I think I'm going to have to be taken there but I worry that it's all too much of an effort. Too much hard work. Then I feel guilty because it wouldn't be hard work if it wasn't for me and my attitude etc! But then there would be nothing to improve upon if it wasn't for me either. And also that it has also affected Mitch more than he's letting on.
The thing about ttwd is that you start to feel this special and profound sense of closeness. You feel laid bare, (excuse the pun :) and wide open. Everything is enhanced. So much so that it becomes very noticeable when it isn't there as much. I'm not sure Mitch realises this.

This too makes me feel more vulnerable than I like! I feel since being so vulnerable that everything has kinda stopped since then, which makes me want to crawl into myself and hide that part of me. I feel like it wasn't important or looked upon as that huge a deal. Maybe it wasn't that huge a deal at first, but I feel like it's becoming one due to the lack of ttwd lately.
It's had me closing down, shutting out........ distancing. Ive not been all that aware of doing so but analysing my emotions right now it seems ever apparent and I'm sure Mitch doesn't recognise this either....... or maybe he does. I'm not even sure though if my holding some of myself back, is all that important to him. What I mean is, maybe he doesn't mind that I do?

Today was not a great day. We had our last cigarette the night before and my attitude and demeanour hasn't been all that brilliant today. It's hard :(
I don't think Mitch has read all of my previous post so I don't think he has any clue as to how difficult I will find it. Or how much it scares me to be without my safety net in the form of cigarettes!
I finally chased him away with my attitude a few hours ago. Not that he's holding it against me. I think we both just needed a bit of space.
But that's just the problem.........

I have resisted a wee trip to the shop up until right now. I've felt my mood slowly chip away at my determination so much so that I can actually TASTE a cigarette!!

I haven't had any yet......... But oh I so f**king want to!!!!!!!

Countdown to Hell(thiness)

2011-12-30T01:11:00.001Z

It's fast approaching 'The Day'.........

The day where I will become one of those....... 'non-smokers' .........

I will be saying things like -

"oh no I couldn't possibly....."
"oh no thanks, I don't smoke....."
"yuck! Get that cigarette away from me...."
"no this is not a smokers cough, I don't smoke....."

And these words below will never enter my head nor leave my lips -

"ok, I'll just have the one because I can sooo control it....."
"I'll just spray perfume all over me so that I don't smell (Mitch can't tell) of smoke....."
"I'll just have one and nobody (ie: Mitch) need ever know....."
"nooo I didn't buy any cigarettes and haven't hidden them in the cupboard....."
"if I put on any weight, I WILL start smoking again!"

I am going to be brutally honest! (what other way could I be!)
I know how bad it is for me and those around me.
I know the smell sticks to my hair/my skin/my clothes.
I know my sense of taste and smell have been dulled.

(pausing to light a ciggie...... Well I've not stopped YET!!!!)

I know all the bad things.
My dad had a heart attack a few years ago and stopped smoking instantly.
One of my daughters is asthmatic.
My mum has stopped for nearly 30yrs and has been a clean-freak and crabbit ever since..........

I have smoked since 16. I wish I'd never started! I haven't ever tried to properly stop. Not properly! And though I am loathe to admit this so publicly......... I also smoked through my 3 pregnancies.
There, I've said it! I am ashamed of this and feel so much guilt....... so much that I can't tell you. But I can't change it. I can point out that I cut down seriously drastically and also to a 'light' cigarette........ But I still did the awful deed!
I mean, if I couldn't/didn't stop for the health of my unborn babies....... What flippin chance do I have??!
I'm also aware that I may be judged because of this, but, this....... Why I'm writing this post and sharing this bit of condemning information.......
It's a way for me to get it all out. I want to tell it all. The good the bad and the downright ugly. I need a clean slate for next week and it wouldn't be a clean slate if I didn't write about this horrible thing of mine that I did. Its my way of saying........ This is how serious I am now. I've told you all this because I don't want to lie but I couldn't tell a part-truth either, and so I don't have to pretend that I'm going to find it easy. I'm not making excuses for myself, I'm just telling it how it is.

To let you understand, (non-smokers can probably never really understand though I don't think) I associate smoking with........ everything.
I smoke when I have a coffee.
I smoke when I'm on the phone.
I smoke to chill out, to 'escape'
I smoke when I'm happy.
I smoke when I'm sad.
I smoke when I'm angry.
I smoke when I'm nervous.
I smoke when I'm stressed.
I smoke when I'm feeling down.
I smoke before and after food.
I smoke after sex (NOT during, I'm not quite that bad)
I smoke...... a lot.
The more scared I get about how much I smoke and how bad it is for me, the more I smoke. (I am a master at sticking my head in the sand and ignoring those things that scare me and those things that I know I have to deal with)
There's always some reason, some excuse to put off stopping. Any sign of stress, hard times looming etc. There are no more excuses. There will be no more excuses. There will always be 'something'....... It's me who needs to change because I'm the one thing I can control......... I can't control circumstances around me.

Stopping smoking will change a lot of things in my life for the better. Things that I sooo want to change. Negatives into positives and I want to see my children grow up. I want as much time as possible to have with them and with Mitch. And all the other obvious reasons like saving money, etc.
And I am absolutely terrified. Smoking, to me, it's my crutch. I find it near impossible to imagine life without it. And this angers me too because if you had to ask anyone how they would describe me? ....... They would use words like..... determined, strong, strong-willed, brave, (yeah I'm thinking definitely brave (or stupid) to be writing what I'm writing) doesn't like failing.......... you get my drift?

Smokers have their own little club. I mean, you don't get coffee and biscuits with me, you get coffee and an ashtray! And wherever I've worked, you always got the gossip in the smokers. You always had more interesting, funnier conversations...... You all shared 'something' because of smoking. I mean if I'd had to choose what to do in my lunch hour, I would have forfeited food and smoked instead! (this sounds plain old bad and mad too even to me!)
I sometimes think about the 3 items I'd take with me to a desert island. One would be cigarettes. (the other probably a lighter and no the 3rd wouldn't be an ashtray....... I wouldn't need one of those on a desert island would I silly!!)
Or if I couldn't get home because of the snow and had to spend a few hrs in the car. I wouldn't wish for a blanket, or a snow shovel..... I'd wish for enough cigarettes to last.
I mean, how awful!!!!! Grrrrr!!!!

It's my one and only vice, alcohol? ....... I could really take it or leave it..... but smoking...... Well it's been a habit for 24yrs. 24 years!!!!!

The thing is, I WANT to stop, far less need to. Yes it scares me, and I do want to go running for the hills and pretend it isn't happening.

Mitch is very determined that he, but also I, should stop. WILL stop.
And he would find it a lot easier if I stopped too. Because, selfishly, I don't like to smoke alone. But my worry is ....... well it's hard enough to do it on your own without having to 'police' somebody else. I shouldn't need to be policed. I don't want to be policed. But the thing is......... I'm going to 'need' to be policed, well at the start anyways.
And this is very hard to admit to.
I am determined, but I worry that I'm not going to be strong enough. I need his help, I need his strength too.
How can I ask that of him, when he too, will maybe struggle at first? Never mind the fact that it's not possible due to circumstances that he would be able to 'police' me anyways!
But I mean, if he gives me 1mm of leeway....... I'll spot it a mile off, dive right in there and take it, and more.
If he shows me the slightest teeniest bit of doubt in himself, or in me, or how hard it is........ I will have no hesitation in exploiting this weakness.
If I detect any softening whatsoever........................

I need Mitch to up the ante. He's going to have to be really........ strict! He's going to have to be prepared (as I am also) for most likely, giving a fair few motivational spankings never mind the all important, necessary pre-emptive one while detesting the fact that I know this will help somewhat! There's a big difference between wanting a spanking and actually 'needing' one. I don't want nor like to 'need' one, (especially after the tears episode) I much prefer being able to choose, which of course is out of my hands but the fact that I'll 'need' one, and get one, without actually really wanting one, will be key in reminding me of WHY I need one, which will help focus my determination and motivation. Am I confusing anybody yet?? (sigh) My point here is that I'll not be in any doubt of how important and serious this is to Mitch, and it will reinforce this, to me. It takes me past my 'liking' of spanking to something else entirely. The focus won't be on me 'liking' it, but by having the effect of me not wanting to put a cigarette anywhere near my mouth coz it's not just going to hurt my health...... if you understand what I'm saying?!
And if you look at it more positively still..... I guess it keeps Mitch's mind off smoking too far less keeping HIS hands busy!!

He can't give a mm far less an inch. I need to feel his strength, his seriousness and HIS determination for me, for us both. And I'm hoping I can also support him too. As long as he stays strong himself, I will be able to follow his lead. I'd rather not go kicking and screaming but I need to know that I WILL be following, that he will not falter one little bit, whether I'm kicking or screaming or not! And THAT'S just how much help I'm going to need :(

I'm going today to arm myself with some nicotine replacement therapy stuff! I'm willing to take all the help I can get. I'd like to say thanku to everyone for their previous encouraging words too, (I'll try not to bore you all too much with the whole....... That's been 1day, 3hrs, 5mins and 23 seconds cigarette free posts :) I appreciate it and it helps in the sense of being even more determined to succeed because my failure will be worldwide otherwise :/

I WILL do this!!

Feeling better = attitude

2011-12-28T20:02:00.001Z

Am I the only one who has gotten through this part of the festive period without a spanking????? I'm still trying to figure out if I'm jealous.... or not!!

I must be feeling better...... coz I'm starting to get a little....... antsy.

It's been 2 weeks. (I could put in hours/minutes if so inclined :)

Ok so I've not long started to feel more like myself again, thankfully, although I'm still not quite 100% yet.
I had a fair few 'warnings' on Xmas day (yeah I was stressing just a little :) and I had 3, hard, (yeah.... just 3) swats later that night with this 'wooden' thing over something that Mitch was rather annoyed about.
I know he has relaxed the rules a bit as I've been unwell (these were his words) and I have appreciated that to be honest and there's no doubt that he made the right call..........
And there hasn't really been any other times that a spanking has been warranted.......... really..........

Ok so at this point in this post, I wrote the above before a trip to Mcdonalds. The following is after.

On the way there we had a discussion regarding road signs/national speed limits and........... Well who cares really........ He was right, and I was........ not right :p

But he had to go one better and actually googled evidence of just how right he was! Not a brilliant way to help me stay ........ respectful, by the way!
My response went something along the lines of ..... "does this face look like it's amused?" (I guess I really am better seeing as the sarcasm slipped in there without me noticing)

We were just about ready to leave, I was still sitting down, Mitch was standing, looking down at me.........

"I think a bit of maintenance is going to be required later eh"

when words along these kinda lines are uttered, this is strange to me, because they have me scuttling over (after a rapid glance around to check who was in ear shot!) and cuddling into Mitch rather quickly. I'm not sure if it's so that I don't have to look at him after the words have been spoken because I felt pinned to the spot which embarrasses me or what...... but I instantly feel............ that I've got to sidle up to him and touch him.

Alone in the car on the way home, Mitch driving, he proved how men really CAN multi-task :) and I really didn't mind him proving 'this' particular point :)
So much so in fact, that he can certainly remind me any time :)

But....... Once home, some finishing off fun later :) .......... A dvd and some chocolate later............ we went to bed!
No mention of maintenance!
Now being honest........ after still feeling pretty 'off' right up to Xmas eve, I'd begun to wonder if I was ever going to 'want' to be spanked ever again. If I was ever 'going' to get spanked ever again!
I'm pretty certain that my thinking this was because I hadn't been feeling well, but there's also a little part of me that wondered....... if I haven't been just a little wary since my last spanking, y'know...... The 'tears' one.
Wary in the sense that I may cry again, but on the other hand, worried that I may never cry again! Nothing like confusing myself is there!

So part of me was slightly relieved that maintenance had been forgotten about........
And yes, of course, the other part had already started to quickly feel resentful! I needed it by this stage, I'd expected it since those words were spoken in Mcdonalds......... and I couldn't help but wonder if it didn't seem all that 'important' to Mitch anymore seeing as we had 'played' beforehand and not after?! (I told you I'd started feeling resentful) so of course, trying not to let on, as you do, I was all snuggled up ready to attempt to sleep!!!

Did he remember or could he tell by my body language I'm still not sure? I can't ask for a spanking, I find it extremely difficult to even agree that I actually need one. I don't want that decision to be made by me. I guess that means I trust him to make the call, the right call. In the past he has sometimes not spanked when he probably should have (although up until recently this was certainly rectified!) but he has never spanked when he 'shouldn't' have.......... and this is why I trust him to make the decision.
So anyways, he asked that I bend over the dresser, but it had been a while, and the last spanking had been fairly emotional, I wanted to feel closer to him, and so I asked if I could go over his knee instead. Which I did.

It's rather stingy when you've not had the 'pleasure' for a while isn't it!

It was short (too short) but at least it was a start in the right direction again. The purpose wasn't so much to reconnect us (we connected just fine through the Xmas period :) but to re-establish our roles within our relationship, to acknowledge the fact that the rules were now back in motion...... and that playtime once again..... is over.
Ok so because it was a little on the short side, which I know Mitch realised, but we were both tired etc......... So, it didn't really feel like all that much of a 'proper' re-establishing, (getting my excuses in there now folks :) but I think I remember him saying something that sounded very much like "I'm not sure if you need more (because I couldn't say yes, I actually do) but don't worry, we'll be getting back into the swing (no pun intended I don't think) before long."

The good news in this post is that I don't have to txt anymore for a ciggie :) (yes through all my coughing I still reached for them) but the bad news is that come next week........ The only thing I'll have to worry about is not buying them anymore...... At all...........

If I was a betting person, I'd say Mitch is going to be getting back into the swing of things sooner rather than later......

Ye canny beat a bit o Irn Bru :)

2011-12-22T17:58:00.002Z

Back to some form of sanity

2011-12-21T11:04:00.001Z

Yesterday was the 1st day I hadn't cried in a week.

Finally, my head, and heart, are in a better place today. What a horrible last few days.
I'm still not 100% but managed a few hrs sleep last night. Got myself some rather amazing medicine that made my head all nice n fuzzy :)

I also saw Mitch for the 1st time in a week! I reckon he has helped speed up part of the healing process too :)

We had managed to have a little discussion over recent events (and 'that' blog post) before last night so I think we both felt a bit better by the time we actually caught up.
I'm actually rather proud of myself for being able to discuss some things and for not kicking off before then.
Whether this was due to ttwd or being too exhausted I'm not quite sure though lol!

But, I will say that Mitch handled it all rather perfectly. So I'm proud of him too. Had he been defensive etc, I'm sure I would have mustered up enough energy to retaliate :/
What I got instead was reassurance and soothing words........ And loads of cuddles and tlc last night. Just what I needed from him.
And thankfully I hadn't freaked him out like I thought maybe I had. In fact, I'm thinking maybe the opposite.

When we talked about my 'tears' episode, well we both learned something about that night too.
That I most probably need a bit more aftercare in the following days than what either of us first thought.
And I had a few 'do as your tolds' last night, a little chat about smoking (groan) and was told in a gentle but no uncertain terms way, that I was not to get out of bed...... Or else........ :)

It felt good to have him back. I actually felt quite in awe of him and the leadership skills he displayed last night.
We're going to go out for dinner Friday night, just the two of us, if I'm feeling up to it.
I'm sure I'll be heaps better by then........ It will be Friday after all. Ha! :)

I'm not sure, like a few others, if I'll have much time to post over the next few days so I'd like to say now that I hope everyone has a very Merry Xmas when it comes :)

Excuse the French

2011-12-19T18:21:00.001Z

Ok, when you see as many hours as I've seen the past few days...... you get kinda bored. I came across this pic earlier and thought it would suit a certain someone considering their blog post today. I actually laughed out loud, which is progress I reckon!

Random ranting

2011-12-18T22:05:00.001Z

I feel, right at this moment...... a bit of a fraud :(

Truth be told, I'm feeling rather........ F**k it all. I would actually feel pretty good about losing my temper right now. Just because! If had the energy that is, which I don't.
I am rather exhausted to be honest.
Tonight, this will be the 4th night I'm averaging around 3hrs sleep. The rest of the time is spent coughing on and off!
My ribs hurt, my back, shoulders and neck hurt due to the pretty constant tensing and I get a fuzzy head from time to time.
Not enough to really mega bother me I don't suppose, I mean, I don't have the option of slowing down or anything. I have 3 young children to look after and all that goes with that. You just have to get on with it don't you, which I do.

It's just.......... I've spent the last few days feeling rather....... emotional. Crying at the drop of a hat. Funny how that is.
My reasons for crying, where do I start I wonder.
It's a stressful time of year isn't it. Sooo much to do, to think about, to organise, to worry about. Trying to please everybody and keep everybody happy. I feel like everybody wants a piece of me and I keep thinking of all the things I have to do before next weekend. It's hard going, especially as a single parent. And I'm aware that my lack of sleep is the main reason for my emotional state right now. Knowing the minute I lie down to try to sleep........... Being tired makes everything seem so much worse doesn't it.
My patience has been non-existent today. I've been so snappy with my girls. Don't get me wrong, they are a handful, but they're 'my' handful. I feel like I'm not doing a good job, I feel like a bad mother at times. I just feel so damn tired........ and guilty.

You know that way where you just feel so alone at times? I mean, I like and am comfortable when I'm on my own. There's a big difference between being alone and lonely. I quite like my own company....... but sometimes I'd just like to run away from myself.

I'd like to say that not having seen Mitch, or not knowing when I will again, since the 'tears' episode has been the trigger for the way I'm feeling. Or maybe because of the 'tears' that night? Who knows.
I kinda feel stupid for that night though now. I mean, being that emotional, opening that up and letting it out......... for what really I wonder? I feel kinda like, oh hey, thanks for getting me to that place and I'll see you around I guess type thing.

I wish I'd never cried. I feel it has affected me a bit more than what I first realised. I feel a bit abandoned. Or I'm just tired I guess.

Ok, ok!! ..... so being fair, Mitch hadn't been feeling all that great himself, busy and tired from work. And I did have the opportunity to see him for a short time today, but it was rather short notice and I'd already made plans....... so....... hey, can't be sitting around waiting on the phone to ring all day can I.
Ouch! Not fair I know....... I know :(

Anyhow, I haven't got the energy to add ttwd to the list, that's just the way I'm feeling. Part of me feels it's a bit stupid right now. Is this distancing?? I have no idea.

And well, I suppose I'll still be watching the hours tick by tonight again, and I realise there's folks worse off than me, I'm in a kinda 'poor me' mood tonight so just ignore me, tomorrow is another day. Same shit...... but different day.

Pensive today

2011-12-16T11:00:00.000Z

Y'know, from quite a young age, (well, it appears young now!) maybe around 17 or so? ....... The age I was when I originally met Mitch all those years ago, strangely enough, well, apart from having spanking fantasies of course :) I always knew I wanted.... a guy that could handle me. I was aware that I needed a firm hand if you like. (how cliched does this sound!)
I was young, fiery, combative in a way and very much the instigator of......... quarrels!
Looking back, it seems quite obvious that I was looking for guidance, looking to be 'put in my place' kinda thing, because I knew, and I mean..... I knew, that I would run riot. Show me any sign of weakness and I would take full advantage, give me an inch...... I ~~will~~ WOULD take that mile....... or two.

I knew, way back then, that I craved a man who would take the reigns, who would dominate me, who would of course respect me, not curb my nature or personality.......... But who would take charge and 'keep me in check'.
I knew, that this is what ultimately 'floated my boat' :) so to speak. I found the idea of it all incredibly sexy, and I knew that this was the key, that would unlock the very heart of me.

I'm not sure how I knew this and I do know I probably would have fought it a lot harder than I do now regardless!

It wasn't until I actually met Mitch then, that this became more obvious to me. We were both young, but we had this connection. Emotionally and sexually, spiritually. I felt him in my soul.
Neither of us were all that experienced, myself lesser so, but I was guided (pretty bloody fantastically I must say :) by Mitch, this boy. And even then, everything he did was purely instinctive.

Our arguments were probably fairly typical of our immaturity. We fought about silly things. I was the firework and he was the fuse........ Or vice versa!

In hindsight, I was looking for trouble, looking for a reaction....... a particular reaction........... THAT reaction.
I remember storming out his house one day, fully intent on walking the 2miles home. I knew I secretly wanted him to come after me. And of course, he did.
But I couldn't give in TOO easily, he had to work it. I had to work it.
He roared past me a couple of times in this wreck of a car he used to have, :) me, obviously totally ignoring him.
The 3rd time he passed, he screeched to a halt at the side of the road. (I hadn't walked that far so he must have came tearing right out the door 3seconds after me) The passenger door got swung open and I was told to get in....... accompanied with that tone and that look that I'm becoming ever familiar with now!
I kept walking.
Yes, I was making him work hard, I secretly liked this fight, the chase........ I WANTED to feel his 'dominance' even then, his anger too I think, even though I was going about it all the wrong way and of course, thinking, so wrongly too, that dominance and anger went hand in hand.

What I realised in later years, in a different long term relationship, was that there is a huge difference between a dominant and domineering nature, a firm hand and being nothing short of a bully, but anyway, I digress ..........

By the time he came whizzing around again, (actually surprised the gearbox hadn't fallen off by this stage lol) I was ready to give it up......... But just a tiny bit! I eventually got in the car and he screeched, really screeched away.

I sat simmering, he sat simmering. We simmered.................... a lot! :)

I can't remember what happened next, we no doubt had a rather major hot time :) but my point is, (I didn't really have a point until this stage to be honest) that as I'm sitting here, typing this, I've been surprised by 'what' I remember so clearly about that argument............. It wasn't the amazing sex, (that I think we probably had :) but the reasoning/thoughts/feelings that the argument gave me. The want and the need of that something. The crystal clear memory of wanting to be...

'Taken in Hand'
wanting Mitch, to take me in hand.

And at this stage in my life, in our relationship......... I've finally discovered what it's like to have something that I yearned for all those years ago, and discovering things that I also didn't quite realise, that I yearned for.
But it a much more open and honest and workable way although looking back at how Mitch was then, he had that elusive 'trait', just neither of us realised or communicated it and if we had, I'm sure we wouldn't have known what to have done with it anyways. So.......
Better late than never eh :)

Being the good girl I am :) ...... Imagine the amount of spankings I'd have received by now if we'd have touched on this then..........

A necessity Part 2

2011-12-15T10:30:00.000Z

Standing but bent over, hands out front, legs straight, out came the cane. Which actually was at my request, (duh!) thinking because everything else is too loud, but I did ask (duh again!) that he make them count....... If you know what I mean :/

Being admonished for kicking legs, hands flying back and squirming occasionally in the past, Mitch has become rather 'strict' about this these days. It is not tolerated.... AT ALL anymore! It gains me that extra swat or two now and these are rather effective, alongside his 'commanding' tone for me to think twice about it!

This is where I struggle to explain. He made them count. OWwwwww bloody owwwwwww! Somehow I managed to keep my hands in front of me although semi straightening up at one point and exclaiming "F**K" (in HUGE letters by the way) didn't go down too well.

Well you bloody swap places then!! (noooo I didn't say this)

All I can say is that ..... WOW ..... but a tiny little chink in the armour appeared. In my armour that is. (probably his too but I couldn't look to see due to the hand resting rather firmly in the small of my back!)
I felt my eyes fill with tears as the strikes kept coming, even at the reasonable pace they were coming at!
Him talking to me at some points throughout, seriously......... highlighting again why I was where I was.

No no no noooooo

I WILL NOT CRY!!!!

.....What a struggle. The struggle with myself to remain in control, the struggle to stay in position....... phew! It took effort. A lot of...

Aside from realising that Mitch was indeed taking the rules just as seriously as I ........ eh.. hadn't been ....... it was a bit of a wake-up call in terms of being reminded as to why they were in place, in the first place. (deja vu?) Oh, and that it wasn't acceptable nor up to me to decide on a whim when things don't go my way, that they should be ignored..... I was needing the reminder that it's not all about me, it's about us. I think we both knew it!

And so when it occurred to me that I hadn't really been playing all that fair, the point was driven well home, (by now I was all "please babe" - "I'm sorry" - "I can't take any more" etc) ....

... which is generally pretty difficult to get me doing by the way! In fact, I haven't ever been at this stage before where these phrases flowed so easily!

and once I realised, that in fact, I wasn't going anywhere in the next few minutes, that I 'couldn't' go anywhere in the next few minutes, that I was definitely not the one in control and the not knowing how long it was going to continue.......

This is what did it. This is when I felt a definite sense of resignation to my plight. This is when I submitted to him, to his intent, to the situation. This..... is when 'IT' happened.

Oh yes, she who has never shed a single tear through a spanking! Those tears I was desperately holding onto, holding back....... they betrayed me! Arghhhh ...... I just couldn't stop them from falling.

I mean, there was no lightening struck me, the earth didn't noticeably move or anything......... it was all rather surreal. I remember wondering how my crying was affecting Mitch. Obviously he is a whole lot more comfy in his role, I mean, he didn't stop at the first sign of sniffles. He was 'helping' me (with that hand!) hold position, telling me I was doing well, that I 'could' take more........ That I 'WOULD' take more. Telling me "now you know how serious I am, why the rules are to be followed, how you know now that I am capable of taking you to where you are right now, when you need to go there" ........ type thing.

Oh boy.........

........ And then......it was over. I really wondered how I'd got through it (which says a lot for this ass of steel) And he got me a tissue.... or two. And I think I clung onto him more strongly, more tightly, than I normally do. As I was crying on his shoulder, him checking I was ok, (well actually, my ass is a hurting! A lot!) I was struggling to regain that control!!!

No I couldn't quite let it ALL out could I!
I think I could have, probably should have, but I wrestled with this fact until my breathing had slowed and my tears had slowed.
I found it difficult to meet his eyes straight after. I just wanted held but also because I felt a bit annoyed and embarrassed. Only a tiny bit annoyed and at myself though, for 'giving it up' and embarrassed about crying and being just a tad snotty! (yeah it wasn't all hair tousled sexily and glistening eyes here I don't think, more hair covering face, probably a bit like the Captain Caveman look!) red streaky cheeks..... I mean my 'face' here by the way although my ass would be a very close second and runny nose!) Embarrassed because, regardless of the rule breaking and how I felt about it etc, I was where I was because I'd needed something....... more. That bit more to focus me, to calm me, to reconnect us in the way that only this can do, to remind me.......... it's not called a reset for nothing is it........

And I felt quite shattered (tired) afterwards.

So while I know I'm not going to be taken to this place every time, I think just every once in a while...... it'll be required somehow. Whether finding the release that tears bring again, who knows, but it's not the main aim so.....

It's all back to -

"can I have a ciggie please babe!" !!

Oh aye..... and only 100 lines! (no babe..... There's no sign of flippancy here at all :)

A necessity Part 1

2011-12-14T12:14:00.001Z

Due to the time of year, illness's, work commitments, circumstance etc....... things had become a little manic over the last week or so and the little things (and the rules!) slipped...... a little.
I felt myself gradually spiralling lower, found myself disconnecting at a slower pace from Mitch (I'm not sure how much he realises this) and as always, I deal with this in a rather 'flippant' attitude at times, which can also be misconstrued on occasion as lack of seriousness I suppose, or whatever. But to make light of things makes them easier to deal with for me, and it also helps me 'just get on with it' again.

And well, maybe in hindsight it was a cry for attention.

I knew what I needed, I knew what would most likely help me but I can never say outright. (I'm still getting used to this fact myself!) I tend to withdraw slightly in a bout of quiet stubbornness and it's becoming ever apparent to Mitch when I do this. On one hand this is great I guess, on the other........ Well, it's getting to the stage now where I can't hide, where he refuses to allow me to hide from it all and this is quite the scary thing, to be 'known' so well. I mean, he has always been very perceptive and sensitive to my moods/emotions etc but this....... this is another step that enhances all this too!

So if the question is asked along those lines of 'do I need this'? ...... I can only just about agree, or my silence, as is sometimes the case...... answers for me!

Mitch, (now that he's better :) made a point of coming to see me with a specific agenda in mind.
It wasn't quite maintenance nor punishment but it was tough, it was different....... and I hate to admit, but it was exactly what was needed...... What I needed. Probably what he needed too in terms of reconnecting us.

The routine was changed slightly, which made me feel that little bit more vulnerability. I had a couple of hours to get my head around the fact that this was actually pretty serious. No room for flippancy here! I met the paddle(s) (the leather and the Lexan! Thankfully I was given a choice to remove one item from use........ which was the corset) with little or no warm-up over his knee (what's that all about??) to start with, I was lifted up so that my feet were off the floor (he knows this limits my ability to squirm out of position while getting my ass into the perfect 'higher more accessible' position at the same time!) and it was the first time I've ever been fully unclothed for a spanking and also, obviously, with the accompanying lecture.

My ever so flippant attitude and remarks I'd made on the last couple of posts came back to haunt me at this point. Namely the "na na nana na" and the "short spankings just don't work for me" ones.
To my detriment, (well not really :) Mitch is learning way fast. How can the paddle wielding person deliver a serious spanking whilst still retaining some sort of 'empathy'?..... while quietly but fairly sternly lecturing you and do it in such a way, that it feels like you're the most loved and protected person in the whole wide world?

The mind just boggles.

Mitch meant business. I've thought this before on occasion but this was different, oh yes, different again. Its always changing and growing and adapting to suit isn't it. He knew why I was there and he was intent on ensuring that I would be left in no doubt as to why I was there. Quite simply, it was necessary.

The next stage was bending over the dresser. I end up on my tiptoes with this, which strangely added to my vulnerability. This is when I changed my mind about thinking the leather paddle wouldn't be along the same lines as the corset. Totally different sensation of sting but well........ I wasn't far from my 'edge' at this point.

Back over his knee for a shorter time and then it was time to collect the kids but being told that that was only Part 1.

Yikes!!

Part 2 commenced later. I was a bit wary about it. I don't mean in a bad way as such, just y'know......... it was serious. In the run up to Part 2 we had dinner, we talked, we cuddled on the couch........ I asked him was he not tired? etc :) ............. I knew he was going to follow through, although I was aware it was going to be tougher in a way, I needed him to follow through.
I felt like I was teetering on the edge of something, I just couldn't tell you what but it was more of an emotional state.

Now by this point you may be wondering how much is enough, or how much is too much? I just would like to be clear that we communicated very well over this time and understood each other pretty spot on. Mitch would know when enough was enough even though I knew he planned on taking me way out of the old comfort zone. I trusted him to know this although if he had any doubts, I would have made it crystal clear and he would have known it. :)

So

Let me also just say that this was the furthest that he has pushed me, and the furthest that I had been pushed. I secretly wanted pushed, I needed pushed and ......... boy did I get pushed.

..... just sayin

2011-12-11T18:30:00.000Z

So...... Having fed Mitch Lemsip MAX strength capsules (no ulterior motive of course :) all day yesterday, 2 hot toddys, afternoon sleeps........ The X-factor :) ......... we were lying in bed last night, cuddling. I so love the feelings of safety and security when he spoons me, his arms enveloping me, (try not to breath too much on me please :) that it makes me feel quite small and feminine and ......... Very much loved :)

He started off talking quite casually about general stuff and of course the conversation came around to me. Well, my ass.... and the lack of attention it'd had lately!
This is where I kinda hold my breath, go strangely mute and wonder where it's all going to lead.
We spoke a while, him telling me he was sorry about Friday night, (a whole lot more conversation here just so's you know:) me saying it was ok.
Not so long ago, if Mitch had told me or decided he wasn't going to spank me, for whatever reasons, I'd have been rather devastated, not just mildly frustrated. Progress here too then! :)

What I've found frustrating in the past, is the fact that I do not cry before, during or after a spanking. Nor do I/have I, EVER, shed a single tear!
Now I'm not hung up on this fact. ~~much~~! I used to be, but have come to terms with knowing that it might happen one day, or it might not. It just doesn't happen with everyone and we are all different. (personally I think its because I hang onto my self control the way a dog hangs onto a bone and the thought of letting go, of being THAT vulnerable, of allowing another person to see me really let go, to feel my vulnerability, well...... I think its rather..... scary) But even though I do not cry, It doesn't stop me from feeling remorseful and all those other emotions that go with it.

No no, what frustrates me is that I could literally burst into tears (or I could have in the past) when told I'm not getting a spanking!!!! So work that one out!!!! Grrrrrrrrrr!!! !!

Anyhow, the conversation was so that I suddenly realised he had read my last blog post by the way he was coming out with stuff.
He is such a lovely, caring, sensitive guy :) It's getting a whole lot easier to talk to him about ttwd and all the things that I feel from time to time, and it's good that he can also explain to me, how it makes him feel. He treats my blog posts as his 'education', a guide if you like. He likes that he can see into my mind all the things that I can't or won't say to him. I cannot get over how much he reassures me and calms me from the crazy thoughts I sometimes have. He really is a bloody gem of a guy :) To put up with me.

End result, needless to say, the cane came out (quiet you see) but here's the funny thing about it...... I wasn't sure I wanted a spanking anymore!
Lying on the bed, face down...

"how do you feel?"

I felt .......... bloody annoyed!! And I told him so.

"why?"

"I don't know" ....... (picture this in a little tiny frustrated confused voice ok)

So he continued anyways for a wee bit, while speaking softly to me at the same time, and while it didn't go the full mile, it was enough to calm me, for me to feel some sort of 'inner' calm that I had felt....... lacking, somewhat before!
Actually, I've just had a thought..... Rhythmic swats, speaking softly..... my breathing changing slightly, or not so slightly sometimes........ Hmmm........., wondering if it's not that little bit...... Hypnotic??

Anyhow, Next day, while there was a 5-7minute child free gap!....... (the things you have to do!!) I found myself bent over next to the sink with my 'awkward belt' and jeans pulled down (ha!) and a rather bloody quick flurry of swats from that damn Lexan that I thought I liked!
It was short, it was sharp (he made every swat count to make up for the number of them because of the time restraint) and it was a shock!
Whether or not it had something to do with the previous nights caning, which was rather mild though, I don't know, but I couldn't keep in position! Ouch!!!!!!!!!
I'm not sure he's witnessed me jumping up and clutching my ass in quite that way before! In hindsight probably not a good look :/
Thank god there was a time limit!

And here's where I most likely go shoot myself in the foot, again!

Coz during this quick flurry, the time wasted by me...... em ....... not being so still.......... and the fact it was rather STINGY!!.......... (I'm battling with myself here by the way about actually admitting the following!)

Well........ I think I pretty much agreed that yes, we would reinstate the smoking rule again, but for all the wrong (ie:above) reasons and not really from that place that it's supposed to come from........ Y'know, that place from where you really REALLY mean it, from the heart I guess.
So this is pre-empting my ...... Lack of future success? Maybe?
Had we had the time etc, the time to continue, the time for a proper talk, the time to allow me to 'feel' the proper mindset, well, it probably would have gone differently.
But I wasn't in the proper mindset, more of a paranoid one if truth be told because of the time restriction so that tended to blanket everything else.
While I appreciated the effort on Mitch's part to re-establish his role...... (and the hot after effects were rather nice :) ...... Well there's short and there's very short isn't there. I'm not so sure short works for me......

NOW you can say "is she NEVER happy?!!" lol

I am happy.... It's more a case of -

just sayin :)

Foot stomp! ....... but not really.

2011-12-10T17:00:00.000Z

One of the things I like about my blog, about blogging, is that I can spout off all my crazy thoughts, the good, the bad and the downright ugly! Here I can just say it how it feels in my head, justified or not, stupid or not, selfish or not, right or wrong.......... I just say what I feel at the time.......

I don't think I've done the 'ugly' before but well....... There's a first time for everything isn't there!

For those of a sensitive nature.....

Look Away Now!
(no seriously, I'm hoping it's not THAT bad)

Mitch has ~~man flu~~..... A cold! (nothing wrong with your arm is there?) Sorry sorry, I don't really mean this, I just couldn't resist! And it just so happens that it's landed on the only child free night that we get, once every 2 wks!
I know I know.........

But....!

If he hadn't txt me before I arrived at his to ask me to bring my book, if he hadn't teased me with the words, Lexan and Corset, if he hadn't made a comment something along the lines of "eh, where's your skirt!" and if he hadn't made references to 'what a naughty girl' I've been all week........

Well then........I wouldn't be feeling so indignant, or frustrated, selfish or damn all the rules to hell........ kinda feeling! Would I!
No, that is not a question so don't feel you need to answer with a 'how totally selfish of you' response ok.

Now, our Friday nights have become The Playtime, for obvious reasons like, no kids around, no interruptions, noise levels and the like :) and maybe it's something I shouldn't expect......

BUT I DO!!

Now you all know I'm a spanko! (who hasn't had the pleasure in over a week by the way) And while I don't like getting into trouble nor all that that brings............ I've spent all week in a kind of 'frustrated' state.
Frustrated at myself for not being strong enough with the smoking thing, frustrated at myself for the lack of upkeep of my book, frustrated at the lack of time I've been able to spend with Mitch, frustrated that I have this 'need' in me, frustrated that I 'need' this!!!!!! ........... Frustrated the way it makes me feel when this flippin need is not met.......... Frustrated by the bloody weather ffs!!

Frustrated by being frustrated!!!!
*sigh*

..... it's a bit like, now that the proverbial cork is out of the bottle.......

I've had a tough week. Mitch has had a very tough week. I know this.
What actually gets me more........ Is that I know what I need. I am disliking intensely that 'this' is what I need to reset myself. That this is something that works so well for me. Why?? Why does it have to do this!!!

Anyhow, before you all go thinking what a bitch :) ......... I haven't been deliberately defiant or anything last night or today. (it had, I admit, crossed my mind though) The only outward show is that I'm wearing jeans...... with a really awkward belt! :)
And I'm actually ok, these are just thoughts swimming slowly around that I can put to one side. I don't feel out of control or angry even, partly because obviously I still retain some sense of decency :)
So, While Mitch was at work earlier, (yeah he is feeling crap AND had to go work) I've tidied up, made a banana loaf, made him copious amounts of T since he came home, ordered him to have a hot toddy and sent him to bed! I am currently making dinner (and blogging some, of course :)

So while trying to ignore the tiny thought of hoping he'll be 'better' later that is trying to push it's way in............

I'm thinking I'm just going to have myself a little something from the Gallo Family already :)

Sigh

2011-12-07T13:25:00.001Z

Can I blame the weather again?? It's rain, it's sleet, its..... ice........ I'm slipping!
Things have slipped. Well, I've allowed things to slip.

The smoking rule isn't going well, at all. I'm kinda ignoring it if I'm honest.
It's just sooo hard.

It's too hard!!! (foot stomp kinda action going on here)

My book isn't going all that well either! I'm ignoring this also. It's not too hard. I'm just ........

I don't know ....

I'm feeling kinda neglected I think. Nobody's fault.
I've not seen Mitch for a few days. Although we have txted and spoken on the phone, it's not been as much.
He's busy with work and I'm busy.......

....... being a bit of a brat I guess.

Not living together and trying to keep the 'upkeep' of ttwd isn't easy. (those who's hubby's work away from home will know what I mean)
You deal with everything yourself. Everything. There's nobody to lean on but yourself. And it's really easy, (for me anyway) to disregard .......
..... things.
I'm not wanting nor requiring Mitch to take me by the hand or anything and there's a difference between needing and needy....... and I'm not sure which one of these I am right now. But going from quite a lot of verbal signs and action and enforcement of the rules etc, to ....... not so much........ well,

I just don't like it! (pouting here! Seems it's involuntary!)

So because of this...... absence.....
it all seems a bit........ (I was going to say pointless but that's a bit too strong) ......... unreal? And if this meant that I would be requiring more physical signs or even for Mitch to be physically present a whole lot more..... well it's just not going to happen, not right now anyways. And that's ok, (I want to be able to sit comfortably on occasion!) I just need to find a way around it, that works more effectively I think. We, need to find a way around it, effectively.

And so because of this, I guess I feel that if there's no immediate consequences or any consequences happening anytime soon, I feel pretty 'safe' and a bit ~~poor me~~ 'what's the point' and a bit 'lost'. Not that I'm wanting consequences if you get me but while we spend this time apart....... It has the effect of it feeling not real and a tiny bit silly and this contributes to me breaking the rules.
What can I say..... IT MAKES ME ............ ( I know, it doesn't really. I should take responsibility somewhere eh)
I do know it IS real and that it's NOT silly and I really DO take it seriously, (even if I'm aware, and you guys may be too, that it doesn't particularly sound like it right now) and even though Mitch has tried to exert his dominance kinda thing over the phone about the smoking rule, there is a teensy weensy part of me that has had the quick flicker

(ok, maybe more than a flicker)

of a thought, that says in a very quiet voice.....

"ha! na na nana na! but you can't get me")

There! I've said it!! It's sounds bad thinking it, it looks bad writing it....... Poor guy! He mustn't know what to think! Even with all of this post, and even though it maybe looks as if I can't do a thing I'm told, I love what ttwd has done, is doing for us. We never had any real issues before mind but things have deepened......... its good........ it'd be even better if I could stop fighting things so much. I know this.

So then I think, (oh I think I think way too much) about that day. That week even! But that Monday, when I really felt 'it'....... Y'know....... That 'submission' thingy......... is it really going to take a spanking like THAT to get me there??
Not that it was just because of the spanking you understand, but I can't deny that it played a major part. Is that what I need?? I also can't deny that it did have a huge effect in terms of being a little tiny bit more............. obedient!
Being honest, for all that Mitch is mega consistent now, (which is great by the way) he does let me off with things, (which is great too :) but, (why does there always have to be a but!) he has been rather too soft on me. I think he thinks this too. (what's WITH this thinking thing anyway!)
But I think it's a clear cut case of give me an inch and I'll take a mile scenario.
He's giving me a fair few 'miles' of distance between us these last few days and I have become quite used to his strength, his guidance, his dominance, his support and well, quite simply....

I miss him.

Positivity

2011-12-07T09:09:00.001Z

I don't know who wrote this but I came across this quote the other day, and well...... I just thought it was kinda beautiful.

Beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in a Dark Room.
So if you see darkness in your life, be reassured that a beautiful picture is being prepared.

Friends :)

2011-12-06T11:30:00.000Z

To find myself living this type of lifestyle........... I've often wondered.... if I ever was to tell any of my friends...... which one(s) would I choose? Well, nobody would believe me anyways I don't think, but I can't help thinking about it occasionally.
I am very fortunate to have a pretty varied, wide group of friends. They are formed into separate groups. They each bring different things into my life.

I have acquaintances.
These friends are the ones where I know them only.... so much. It doesn't matter how much time I spend in their company, I never get to know them better. That something isn't quite there. We don't fully click. I am never fully relaxed in their company. But still, these are the friends I could join on a night out and have a good time ........
but I would tell them... nothing :)

I have the 'old timers'
These are the friends I've had for years. There's more quality than quantity here. They know pretty much everything about me, well..... except the obvious lol! Some I speak to and see a lot of, others, there could be weeks go by but when we get in touch it's as if time has stood still. These girls will be there with a shoulder to cry on and to hold my hand when I am sad. They aren't afraid to hug me. They've seen me at my best and at my worst but still love me anyways. They cheer me up when I'm down, they always have kind words to say when I need to hear them, they offer support in so many different ways when I need it. They have encouraged me, wiped my tears, picked me back up and dusted me down but these are the ones who make me laugh so hard I could pee my pants :/ They can seriously kick my butt when required, (they so know I can brat with the best) they don't put up with any of my crap and aren't afraid to tell me how it really is. I can be myself with these guys.
Would they be shocked? Yes probably! But more intrigued most likely. I think they'd probably laugh a bit too. Could I, would I, trust any of them with this part of my life? While I reckon they'd support and accept whatever I do..... I could only pick out maybe 2 that I would consider revealing this to.

I have the 'newer' group
These guys do a lot of the above too. With some, our friendship has taken longer to grow. Others, y'know when you meet someone and you just click instantly? These are the coffee girls and are usually up for a night out/in too. They're quite a bit closer than acquaintances but not quite as close as the old timers. They know some about me, but not all :)
No, probably not these guys either.

Then there's my fb friends.
Life without fb I can't imagine. Yeah slightly sad I know but I love it for the giggle. These are some bunch of guys n girls :) I love fb. It's my daily newspaper. If I need to know anything or find something out, this is the place I go. And then google :) My autobiography is published here! I use it to rant when I'm mad, (I'm not as 'polite' on fb as I am in blogland) I use it to cheer myself up, I use it to cheer others up, and here, nobody judges me. This is the place where I perfect my sarcasm in a safe environment :) I use it to obviously stay in contact with people and although most of my 'other' friends are female, I have a lot of male friends that I appreciate here...... and they are all a mish-mash of the above. I can shock pretty good on fb when the mood hits me...... But no.......
I would never disclose this here in any way, shape or form!

And there's **** who I consider to be one of my best, old timer friends. I've known him for around 15yrs. I've socialised with him, we have coffee'd, I have made him lunch etc. He has also been there through the rough times and been a great support no matter what and has helped me out many times in ways I couldn't begin to tell you. I make him laugh at my antics, he is always shaking his head at me. He is the big brother, looking out for me, that I never had :)
Noooo, no no, would you tell your brother??!

And lastly there's my blogger friends.
How I ended up here I don't know. But I'm just as glad that I did. This is like a whole new world which has kinda taken over fb a bit lately! (who'd have ever thought it!)
It's quite ironic that you guys all bring different things individually too and do a lot of the above in terms of support, advice, cheering up etc. I feel a certain affinity with some which feels good. I relate to each of you slightly differently and adapt what I say accordingly. I'm getting more of a handle on saying what's appropriate (I think lol) but although I can sometimes post comments impulsively and then wonder if I should have said that, never are they meant to be offensive. I often inject 'humour only to some perhaps' :) but this in no way means that I don't take this lifestyle seriously. I just kinda like to lighten it up a little at times. I'm just kinda blunt and to the point and only a minimum will get my humour the way it's intended but really, I don't think that's such a bad thing because its me. I'm not pretending to be anybody else......... Ok....... I'm a lot more polite here :) but that's it.

So..... (don't you just love that word :)
I've decided..............

I'm gonna tell you guys. My blogger buddies.

Hello :) I am a closet spanko who is in a D/d relationship. Pleased to meet each and every one of you.

I trust you will keep my secret? :)

What??? It's the weather!

2011-12-05T19:00:00.001Z

Can I have a ciggie please? X

Yes babe. How many is that today?

Em 8/9?

Em er is that how many txts I have? X

I don't know? Canny see your phone from here :) x

Mmm I only have 5 txts plus the 2 you had while I was on the phone. X

This is the exact txts that are getting batted back and forth as ....... I type.

Well, would you look at that................ I've lost the signal on my phone. Damn!

Bribery tactic

2011-12-05T11:00:00.000Z

For any of you that have little ones............... you may like this site. I think it's ingenious actually and a great bribery tool :)) (if you need bribery that is....and I'm not ashamed to admit to using it on occasion)

http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/home

The look on my girls faces were first class, it was really hard to not laugh though, but very sweet :)

and for me.......... well, I've only got one thing to say to Santa.......

Friday

2011-12-04T23:00:00.000Z

And so...... What was that I said about things getting worse before they get better?

The day went to total pot!!!

It started first thing in the morning!
1) I had smoked my last (for that day) cigarette the night before.
2) I'm always in a mad rush in the mornings trying to get 3 kids out to school so I was a bit stressed anyways.
3) The phone rang as I was just about to step into the shower.
4) I hadn't had my coffee!! Because I didn't have any cigarettes!

It was Mitch. Suggesting something that I wasn't too happy about. I ended the phonecall rather abruptly.
But I put it out of my mind until after I'd been to the shop........ for milk......

And cigarettes!

1st sign of stress or annoyance or any other emotion except what suits me........ and the willpower (and rational behaviour) crumbles completely :(

Armed with caffeine and nicotine and at least a 1/2hr to simmer, I proceeded to txt him my....... views?
(coz I'm way brave hiding behind my phone)
I thought my txts were polite enough (must remember that the more annoyed I am, the more polite I get...... but in the most sarcastic way imaginable) and his replies were very laid back and non-aggressive.
He just wasn't biting!
I was on a bit of a 'WHO runs the show' kinda denial phase. I didn't txt him at all all day (and smoked way more than I should have) and although he was coming to mine after work, I had no skirt on either! Rebellious was a bit of an understatement.

So he arrived and proceeded to give me the mother of all lectures. (I have to say he's getting gooood) He was calm though and had this steadfast air of noticeable 'I'm taking no prisoners' kinda thing that I'm not sure I've witnessed before. The inevitable was coming. He knew it. I knew it.

"So when things don't go your way, the dummy gets spat?"
"your txts were very disrespectful"
"just because you were having a tantrum to yourself, the rules don't apply anymore?"
Etc!!

I ended up looking at the floor and fidgeting!!!!!!!!!

I did not like it.
I don't like being put on the spot. I don't like being in the hot seat (no pun intended). I don't like being cornered and made to listen with no means of escape. I didn't like what I was hearing either.
Whenever he has something he wants to ask me, whenever he's about to put me on the spot or about to challenge me or anything really...... he always starts off with a "So....."
This one little word has such a huge effect on me it's just not NORMAL!!!!
Because the minute I hear that word come from his lips.... I feel that sense of submissiveness of sorts. (y'know, the one I want to feel but fight it tooth and nail?!) It's like....instant! And he pins me with his 'look' and I try very hard not to actually physically squirm too noticeably.
I felt rather the naughty girl who was no doubt going to be meeting the paddle..... Again! It has a sobering effect!!
Pre-ttwd, (or just last week! :) he would probably have had a wee dummy spitting session all of his own in response to the txts I had sent him. He would have, most likely came to mine and been confrontational which would, in turn, have got my back up pretty quickly and there would have been harsh words said, silences and spitting stubbornness from both sides, with a long wait to see who was going to give in first! And it probably wouldn't have been me!
What happened instead, was because he remained calm, and a whole lot more logical and rational and reasonable than me, it rubbed off on me. I remained calm and I think pretty respectful as I was given a serious talking to. (even I realised my tantrum of sorts was well and truly over!)
He had me look at his phone.... at my txts and his replies to them. It was excruciating, but required I guess. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. And sorry.

"so.....were your txts uncalled for?"

..... Pause.........Yes.

"were my txts like yours in any way?"

No.

"so you agree that you made a mountain out of a molehill and that the way you spoke to me through your txts, was totally unnecessary and out of order?"

Sigh...... Yes.

You may wonder what age I am? I'm 2 40!

........ cuddles..... "I'm sorry"
"yeah, I know you are, but not as sorry as you're going to be later" !!

I was given two choices (no no no....... I was getting the spanking!) about the skirt thing. I could go and change 'right now' or leave it until later when kids were in bed.
I changed right away. Why? Because I should have been wearing it in the 1st place.

Whenever I get a spanking, I am expected to answer to anything with a 'yes'...... coz Uh huh in a teeny whiny voice is not deemed acceptable and I find saying 'yes' rather difficult! Same with the 'sorry' word even when I sooo am! It can take me a while, in THAT position. Why?
~~Pure good old fashioned stubborness.~~ I think because it reminds me of my behaviour. If my behaviour etc was to an acceptable standard then I wouldn't be in that position and its a humbling experience, that I'm not entirely used to. It reminds me that I am not the leader. It reminds me that I shouldn't be acting like a spoilt child! (pout....... for effect :) It reminds me that there is someone there who is holding me accountable for my actions, who cares enough to keep me 'in check' if you get me. And I'm rather liking being kept in check :)

On Wednesday night, after I said what I said to Mitch...... The way he looked at me as he straight away opened the cupboard door to where the paddle lay hidden........ The positive results that ttwd is having on our relationship.....(sometimes for a whole 2 days at a time :)) is clear to see. I was instantly, and I mean, instantly (well, it's been a tough week ) contrite. Further sniping or sarcasm or unacceptable words were stopped literally in their tracks where before they might have been led into other disparaging remarks. (I sound like a right bitch re-reading over this post....... I'm not........... not really :)
The old, moralistic and true saying springs to mind at times like these, while my freedom, independence.... My Self, is barely, if at all curbed.......

"It's not 'what' you say but 'how' you say it."

I sometimes don't want to be reminded of these facts. But I really wouldn't have it any other way :)

Wednesday

2011-12-03T17:26:00.001Z

Getting through the previous 2 days with only one packet of ciggies was a great achievement for me and being held accountable made quite an impact. (nothing to do with the consequences or the remainder of the reminder that I was sitting on, at all :) It probably doesn't sound like all that much to non-smokers in particular but trust me, having to text to ask 'permission' to have a ciggie....... it was a massive improvement, for one of 3 (probably more) reasons.
1) I smoked way less than normal.
2) It somehow kept me in that submissive mindset.
3) It helped me practice the utmost respectfulness when asking. (I know, I know, you probably think I don't need the practice) You will further down!!

So come Wednesday, I was pretty damn chuffed with myself......... But struggling a tiny tiny bit by then.
Mitch was coming for dinner (yeah I can cook too, no wonder he loves me so lol :)
But, I only had one ciggie without permission because it took him 1 1/2hrs to reply as the poor guy has to contend with these txts every hour, hour and a half or so, (I think I managed 2hrs at one point :) and of course he gets busy. I lasted a 1/2hr waiting and then I had one.

And it was bloody good!! :(

So by time he got here, I'd now by this stage (which was late on in my defence) had one more, but didn't even ask at all! My reasoning? Well I started to feel it was all a bit stupid, and because of having to interrupt him all the time at work!
Actually what was rather stupid about it was thinking my reasoning was going to keep me out of trouble, especially faced with the following points:

"why didn't you text?" (he let me off with the earlier one because he had been busy)
"sorry but, is it a rule?" (ooh I do believe I detected slight sarcasm in his tone)
"do you think I make up rules for the good of my health?"........ kinda thing!

(No, for the good of my health babe.)

And so on.

What actually made it worse is that he counted (YES COUNTED) my txts against how many ciggies I had left in the packet before I had the chance to own up about the one I'd had without asking!

Not 5mins in the door and it's all head down bottoms up. Sigh!

A lovely dinner later :) kids were back and all sleeping and we were ready to go to bed ourselves when some comment was made about how he would be counting how many were left in my packet before he left for work.
Monday seemed like a distant memory at this point I'm afraid to say. I was appalled and affronted! And my words came out before I could even think about it.....

"WHAT?? Will you .... !! " is, (it wasn't 'heck' either) I'm ashamed to say, kinda how it went. (I blame the wine I had with dinner, didn't even enter my head until now to use this fact in my defence .......... I must be slowing down somewhat!")

So here we go again. Or there I went again! When I'm a pensioner and have a stoop I'm gonna know who to blame!!........ yeah maybe by then I'll be able to contemplate admitting.......... myself!!

And so Thursday, txts, naturally resumed as normal :/

Monday

2011-12-03T16:00:00.000Z

I've been having a really hard time writing this, I'm not entirely happy with it as I feel I haven't explained this day very well, haven't done what I felt this day, justice. I've edited it so much I'm sick looking at it so apologies but this will just have to do. For whoever reads it and for me!
So, Little (or not) background first...... Obviously :)

One of my rules, is that I must wear a skirt (or dress) when in Mitch's company. One of the reasons for this is because we both believe, really quite strongly, that it's about 'making the effort'. Y'know when you first start dating and the hair is all done, the make-up's perfect and you dress!..... dress up a bit?
These things can so easily slide over time and well, I'm determined that they will not slide! That I will not slide!
The other reason is...... I like to dress up for him, I want to look pretty for him, and for me! I want to look sexy for/to him and when I make this effort....... I feel pretty, I feel sexy and well........ I love the effect this has on both of us :)
So this rule is pretty damn easy to follow and the wee thrill that runs through me when he sends me a txt, from time to time, before he arrives, asking if I'm wearing a skirt...... Well, I just love it :)
Another rule is that we must greet each other with a kiss and cuddle EVERY time. This is another thing that can easily slide over time. There is something quite thrilling in standing up and walking towards him, specifically for this purpose, when he walks in my door. So this is another rule that is very easy to follow :)
Another rule (honestly I really do not have an exhaustive rule list) is that I must write in my 'book' each day. After Friday...... this too, is becoming easier to follow........ funnily enough :)

Monday morning, we had a few errands to run. Imagine my ~~distress~~ surprise when before leaving, he asked to see said book!!
No no no nooooo (to myself obviously)
And no, it's not what you're thinking. It was up to date..... I am capable of doing what I'm told on occasion :) I just had kinda thought I'd at least get away with it not being seen for another few days!
I won't bother going through the whole 'cringe' thing again...... just take that as being standard for now!
I'd written a couple of minor things and then my fingers had somehow taken on a mind of their own and wrote all this stuff about the ~~dreaded~~ 'smoking rule'. How I felt about it, how it scared me, how I thought that I'd struggle with it, how I so wanted to try hard........ what would..(theatrical gulp) ....... could (ok time to panic)....... possibly....

....... help me...

.... in... achieving..

.. results?

Ok, SOMEBODY give my fingers a serious talking to....... PLEASE!!!!!

Maintenance/punishment/reset/play..... been there, done that.
Ladies and Gentlemen......
I can now ~~proudly~~ introduce.... Pre-emptive!

NB: I think it's fair to say I can also add convenience to my list of reasons for wearing a skirt!

I'll skip the details, suffice to say, over his knee I did go and that the Lexan is the new 'corset' - if you get my drift! And then every other implement that followed. As in, ALL of them! My wrists were also restrained in front of me, at my request. It was quite intense. Oh...... and in case I misunderstand any more about when the smoking rule was supposed to start exactly?...... Immediately!

So...... Gathering all the things we needed before heading out, I'd been through it twice but I still couldn't find a really important letter amongst my huge pile of extremely ~~well filed~~ messy paperwork. I was ready to admit defeat! It was just nowhere!

"check again"
"I don't need to check again, I've been through it twice, it is NOT there!" (not a hint of attitude whatsoever)
Mitch found it! In the same messy pile I'd already checked! Oh ooh oh!

"we've been here before haven't we, bend over and lift your skirt"
I still look at him in surprise. I can't help it. I feel a tremendous amount of respect for him because the stronger and more natural he is, the more consistent and strict (I say strict in the loosest sense of the word :) he is...... Its actually very hot! And he's giving me exactly what I want. Ultra consistency lol! But the difference now is that he's not just holding me accountable for things because of this, he is understanding the 'why's' of it all. Why I want this, why I need this, why is works, the reasons for wanting it to work, so much so in fact that I feel he's 'getting it' more than me now and where he once struggled with the whole thing..... I feel I'm playing catch up now. The conversations we had this day, and since, have been very personal and honest and just a tiny bit scary. I feel very vulnerable, in a good way, but vulnerable nonetheless.

Then I experienced sitting on sandpaper for the first time after a spanking....... In the CAR no less!! It takes 'cornering' to a whole new level!
It was me who reminded him about the sandpaper, I was curious! And it was rather interesting, if not an uncomfortable but not an entirely horrible experience :) and it certainly had the desired psychological effect of sorts.

On the way home, Mitch stopped at my local shop. No no no, I am NOT getting out the car!
You're gonna think I'm mad! Because my reason was a bit silly!
I had A skirt on. My usual daytime trip to the wee shop is most always done in jeans and boots! I just felt a bit too dressed up for the middle of the day!
And so this was the reason I dug my heels in. He asked, he cajoled, he demanded but he didn't threaten.
Feeling quite smug but trying desperately not to show it that I'd won this particular battle, he stepped out the car and just before he closed the door, he leaned in.......

"you're getting a spanking when we get home."

And promptly closed the car door!
Shit!

And oh did I feel every bit of his confusion, frustration and hurt feelings as I was bent over the kitchen worktop with my ass bare for the Lexan, again! ANOTHER spanking, on top of a spanking, on top of the flippin sandpaper coz I was CURIOUS?????
I haven't ever been taken to this particular 'edge' before. It was mega intense and very difficult to keep in position and to not fight against it. This became a battle of wills of sorts. He wanted agreement from me. I was determined that I wasn't giving it just because I was getting a spanking!
I took a while to agree that when ever asked again, no matter what I happened to be wearing, (and he did point out that it WOULD be a skirt seeing as this is a rule!) that I WOULD be accompanying him into the shop!
You may think he was a bit harsh? He wasn't really. He knows me is all. He knew the other reason I wasn't telling him about (and neither has it anything to do with Movember and a 70's porn star look, NOT that I've ever seen one you understand :) and he knew that I was doing my usual..... hiding from the truth, not facing up to my 'fear' if you like and so therefore sticking my head in the sand and pretending it isn't an issue at all.
And that's why I got spanked! And that's why I knew I deserved it. And that's why I, eventually, submitted to his wishes....... and agreed. Not because it hurt, but because of the reason behind it, because I'd hurt him and because he took the time to tell me about why he felt it so important and how much it meant to him that I submit, to this, how my not submitting to this, has the potential to create disharmony between us. I realise more than ever now that the way I perceive certain things and the way I edge my way around certain situations in order to avoid and not face up to them, has a knock-on effect on others, namely Mitch and my reasons were just not strong enough to stick to them, it was more a case of me being stubborn to the extreme. Its sooo hard to let go and accept his decisions at times, whether they are large or small! But he was right, and he saw right through me, simple as that! And........ maybe........ coz it hurt a tiny little bit too lol.

I'm having a really hard time trying to put into words all that I felt on that day or even trying to explain how it all came about. I didn't realise that I could feel any closer to Mitch. We both felt the change. It felt wonderful and we also couldn't keep our hands off each other all day. And the last spanking I received that day, I don't know....... It had the most effect on me (well it was the 3rd so it would wouldn't it lol!) but what I mean is, that was the turning point I think. I really felt it and I don't just mean the pain of it. For the first time, I felt the self control I so steadfastly hang onto, slip. He pushed past my resistance, my stubbornness, my false pride..... And took me to a place I haven't properly been before and I didn't realise I hadn't been there before until I was there, this day. If you get me :) He did what he needed to do. I felt a true sense of my defences finally breaking away and just...... being. I reached the point of acceptance, real acceptance. All sounds pretty dramatic huh lol! Im not explaining properly, I don't know how to. But I think he found that point. That 'edge' even. Y'know that point where you stop fighting it, where you feel truly remorseful, where the reason you are in that position in the 1st place hits home. And unfortunately (for my ass) it takes quite a bit to get me there. This is what I discovered. What HE discovered. And what I learned that day, along with a few other things, is that in order for a spanking to have the desired results?....... this point/edge will almost always need to be reached, otherwise, I know the reason behind it, isn't going to stick for any length of time. This last spanking is where I felt the 1st pre-emptive spanking should maybe have taken me, but regardless of why I received the last one, it had positive effects anyways with regards to the smoking rule too :)

I had to ask him, all day, and since, each time I wanted a cigarette. He was very good with this scenario. He didn't make it a drama, he wasn't cruel :) so although strange,
I spent the whole day in a haze of submissiveness.
And it felt really good. I really felt connected, properly connected. It really felt that we were finally committed. I felt so content. The way he discusses things now, the things that he says, the softness and growing skill of his lectures, he listens to my side and will act (or not) accordingly. He still doesn't think he's a natural but I most certainly do.
And I've done really quite well in cutting down considerably using this method :) ......... Well........ up until Friday! Seems I may need regular reminders then eh! And there I was feeling quite proud of myself with only a slight hiccup on Wednesday in terms of learning to think before certain words leave my lips!
So yes, I am on very intimate terms with the Lexan now. I seem to have spent more time bent over this week than I have spent standing up! But I'm not complaining (I am a spanko after all :) but in simplistic terms, it's a case of, things will get worse before they get better perhaps?

PS: Well done if you reached the end :)

Revelations

2011-12-01T08:33:00.001Z

I.... We..... Have had quite the week so far!
I've created a monster I think :)
Things are starting to fall into place in a way I never imagined.
Inconsistency is a thing of the distant past.
Commitment to ttwd will not be in question again.
A profound sense of more of an 'understanding' has been reached.
I'm discovering what it means to submit, in a truer sense.
Lightbulb moments have been thick and fast this week.
Our communication, spoken and unspoken, has taken a tremendous leap forward.
The benefits, so far, have been noted, in a big way.

Playtime is over.
Mitch has found his niche.

I'll blog more about my week when I find it more 'comfortable' to sit down :o

Oh yes I can waffle on......and on......and on :)

2011-11-27T11:20:00.000Z

What can I say........... I got 'The Reset.'
If anybody cares to ask where this Reset button resides..........right on my ass! If you're reading this.......... probably on yours too.

Following the 'hurdle' and a 'short but fairly rapid' caning a couple of days later for an unrelated 'incident' ......... I am feeling quite a bit calmer and more focused. Is anyone else still amazed at how this 'calming' effect can be achieved, coz I still am!

My book........... y'know, the one where I'm 'supposed' to record every day? Well........ since last week........ Since our 'hurdle', I've been avoiding it, coincidentally. Every time I've been asked if I'd filled it in, I'd be full of assurances that yes, I would get it up to date.
Except I didn't.
In fact, when asked for the last time, I just said 'yes' - I'd filled it in. So I suppose you could say that I told a little white lie.

By the way........ Is a lie a lie...... a lie?
Shhhh...... Don't feel obliged to answer.

Anyhow............. I finally got it all up to date on Friday morning, even though I felt quite strong an urge to dig my heels in. I suppose part of me knew it wouldn't do any good and that I'd have to fill it in anyway at some point in the not too distant future!
So...... I told the truth, in my little red book.
And then I started writing. Writing about how I'd been feeling. I told of how rebellious (did I actually write that?????) I'd been feeling all week. The words 'uncooperative' and 'unsubmissive' were in there somewhere also, along with what I felt would help me to maybe feel more 'submissive'..... (yeah... I wonder if I'm mad too)
But, I could not stop. I did not stop to think about how this would pan out later. I just had to get it all out. What I wrote down, is what I would normally send in an email. Y'know, I write it/send it...... he reads it...... I'm not physically there at that time. Works for me :)
When I write, I do not lie, I do not avoid the truth and depth of my feelings, I do not wrap up what I feel in pretty packaging. I'm way ~~stupid~~ braver. I just say it exactly how I feel it, so usually I can avoid cringing and wanting the floor to swallow me up whole!

So :) .... 4 pages later...... Phew. Finished! (poor guy!)

And....... if you've made it this far, congratulations. I can't write something without a beginning, middle and end. Without a bit of background. If I read or am told a story, I must interrupt to find out the little details that most people wouldn't even care to know.
For a basic example -
"so, this girl had bought this horrible blouse and then she........."
I'm like...... (interrupting) "horrible? Why was it horrible? What colour was it?" kinda thing. Probably rather annoying actually :)

And so, arriving at Mitch's, wee bit chat, wee bit dinner, wee bit Lambrini (oh yeah coz I'm THAT sophisticated :) ........ it was time to bring out 'the book.' (drum roll is not necessary)

At this point, the thought crossed my mind to rip out those pages, but I didn't of course.
I did actually wish I was completely inebriated (but you can't get that from Lambrini lol) so that I couldn't feel but could avoid the embarrassment, the cringe-iness (I know, that's not a 'real' word) and the hiding of my eyes with my hands as he sat and read it, right there in front of me.
He kept trying to reassure me it was ok while I kept ~~pleading~~ suggesting that he could read it some other time (ie: any time I wasn't there would be good?) ........ And then I got a row for interrupting!
We talked it over a bit. He appreciates my honesty. It helps him navigate his way through this journey too. I've to continue to also use this book now, as a journal type thing. (cringe again)

I already knew I'd be over his knee even before I got there, had there been any doubt, this would have dispersed at this point.
What I want to know is......... why he has such a fixation with that damn corset, the paddle that was replaced by the 'one less hole and made 2mm thicker' paddle since the last one broke? Now that he's not so 'tentative'....... It's started doing it's job, and HE knows it! (pout)
It went kinda like this:
Ouch, lecture, ouch.... "can't be having you feeling rebellious," ouch, corner, Mmmm :), ouch....... (although unfortunately not as fast as you are able to read this)....cuddle :) You get my drift I'm sure.
Then I wiped the sweat off his brow, I kid you not!
And get this.......... HE suggested the below, all by himself (coz I did NOT have anything like this written down in my book.... I'm not feeling that submissive lol :) that he thinks it'd be a good idea to have me sit on sandpaper after a spanking! He has rough sandpaper apparently! But he forgot all about it. Ha! So that's all I'm saying about that except it maybe could have been worse, he could have suggested AstroTurf or the likes!
AND
The 'smoking' issue. We came to the agreement (obviously the Lambrini did have some sort of 'effect' I reckon) that in order for me to cut down, I will txt him and ask permission to have a cigarette. He will reply yes ~~or no or whatever~~. This way, he can keep track of exactly how much I actually smoke (more than what he knows about if truth be told) and it obviously will only work if I am honest.
Ok, so I ~~detest~~ can see what benefits could come from this idea.

Hey babe....... You know when I said I wanted to be reassured of your strength and dominance after our 'fall out'....... I'm feeling it, ok.
So I agreed :( because ~~I just love getting myself into trouble~~ I need help in stopping. Because it makes me feel more ~~rebellious~~ submissive towards him. So goodbye Miss 'nobody's gonna ever tell me what to do' because arghhh, I hate admitting, but I find him so incredibly sexy when he's like this. When he thinks up these ~~insane~~ helpful ideas on his own.
(but not to worry babe, I'm sure you'll get the chance to see her again :)

Continuing on :) ....... so maintenance occurred the next afternoon (I crazily 'reminded' him because we all know what effect inconsistency has don't we) and I even managed a say in what implement. (anything to avoid that bloody corset!)
Ok so now I feel I should say how much I've noticed that the Lexan Paddle appears completely unbreakable. I might start to obsess over this fact. So much so in fact that I may write a future post entitled - How to break all spanking related implements with minimal suspicion! :)
But, a tad confusing and something which I'm sure he didn't realise, is that during maintenance and still using the Lexan whilst pleasantly combining into 'other things' :) but still over his knee, also made me feel extremely submissive. It was quite a 'Wow' moment :)

The hurdle is still out there...... and although I still feel little remnants of emotion about it all, now, I feel more able, better equipped, to at least attempt to jump over it, rather than to go crashing right through it.

The things you learn eh.....

Hurdles, I've never been good at sports!

2011-11-23T13:31:00.001Z

I.... We..... Have a hurdle to overcome. I was going to say that we think we have already overcome it, but I have a feeling that this may just be the beginning.
This hurdle changes things. Pretty dramatically. It puts things on a temporary hold until we can work through them and find an answer that suits everybody.
Something happened which instantly got my back up. Instantly had me in defensive mode but also seriously hurt me. While I can understand the situation, I feel that what has been said and brought to light, is not the 'true' issue at all but one that has arisen from a situation that took place and of having no other way to express it due to a number of reasons.
(apologies, this is all sounding rather cryptic even when I know what I'm talking about!)
I may be wrong, but I don't think I am and I feel seriously..... well pretty much completely wounded even though it's been 'talked' about to an extent.

We had a bit of an argument about something that involves us all. Well, I say argument...... Does 2 or 3 hrs of sulking and silence class itself as arguing?
This is when I felt let down. Let down by myself, let down by our circumstances, let down by Mitch, let down by what I had hoped ttwd would help with achieving.
My instant reaction to 'said' situation had me masking my hurt and bringing out, in all it's glory, attitude and anger. I said in a not so pleasant way that I didn't want to talk about it, so I suppose, I started the whole silence ball rolling. I needed time to calm down and to think it through. To think rationally even though I didn't have all the facts.
Yeah I know..... Huge fail here!
So I tried again and asked if we could talk it over.
Guess what..... I'm not the only one who can throw a strop!
Back to silence.
We sat in separate rooms. I tried to reason with myself, tried to calm myself so that I could listen.
And so... I tried again. This took a lot of lowering of my pride for me to do. I sat beside him and laid my head on his shoulder and apologised.

Nope! Not having any of it!
I felt stupid.
And then I felt terribly hurt by the words that came next. I left the room, again, in a whirlwind of anger, hurt feelings, sadness, disbelief and total and utter defiance.
So by the time he came to apologise, I was well on my way downhill towards the land of arrogant pride, mega defensiveness, brilliantly sarcastic and cutting words stage.

Tra lala la la........ I'm not listening!
I stomped off to bed. And waited! What was going through my mind?
I wanted him to come to me. I had already tried, I could not, and would not try again and what he had said previously had built me an instantaneous brick wall. He was obviously having some sort of battle of his own as he took his own sweet time! He sat on the bed and we tried to talk it over, it appeared to work as he got into bed beside me. But out comes Miss defensive, hurt, angry, defiant attitude again and I turned my back. I wrestled with her until I got out of bed and was back downstairs!

I can't take much more of this, please please DO something!! Why are we doing ttwd if we aren't going to use it effectively???!

A short conversation later, His jacket flung on, car keys in hand....... and all the while I'm trying to quietly control the rising panic I felt, but also the feeling of hopelessness that this was happening. I started to feel quite resigned and stubborn. I didn't know what to do to reign us back in. I had tried and I had failed. I wasn't trying again.

I initially felt that he had failed me somehow. I felt a tiny loss of confidence in his ability to 'handle me' and I wondered briefly if he was 'up to the job'. I felt lost and out of control. I wanted..... Needed actually, for him to bring me back. I felt if he had done so, then we wouldn't have had to spend those miserable hours with a silence that felt louder than any words could possibly have made. I find it very difficult to regain my control in a stressful situation. My voice becomes raised, I develop a major attitude. I look to him for support and help at these times. I need to feel his strength and calmness. His authority....... Because it soothes me in a way and makes me less....... rigid? Less of a bitch? It helps stop my attitude spiralling out of control. One of us has to try and remain calm and take control before the situation escalates into...... well....into what it escalated into.
Aside from all of the above, ttwd......... Well...... It failed us. It failed me. Why? I'm not sure. Lack of understanding? Lack of practice?? Lack of recognising a situation where it may/would have helped? I felt angry that we didn't use this 'tool' we have at our disposal to stop these kinds of situations happening in their tracks. I know me. It would have worked. It would have had the ability to 'snap me out of it' and it would have forced me to listen. (figuratively not literally :) To me, this is one of my major reasons for doing ttwd. Because now the hurtful words are out there. Floating around. You can't see them, you can't catch them, but you can still 'feel' them

Somehow, we managed to hold it together so he didn't leave. We managed to talk a bit more rationally. Mitch has such a responsibility, he feels the weight of it sometimes which has me feeling guilty for asking him to bear this responsibility and I guess old habits die hard for both of us with regards to how we handle disagreements. He did apologise, he also apologised for lacking the 'strength' to regain control of the situation before it went where it went. But............. pre ttwd.............. I either would have taken a lot longer to apologise or I wouldn't have at all, and he would have walked! So there is progress of some sort. He did say that he thought about spanking me there and then for my attitude but that he felt too angry in the moment. Ok, this is not a bad thing. Very responsible actually. But I can't help but feel that if he had taken control of the situation at the start, it wouldn't only have calmed me down, but would have had the same effect on him. Even if it was just a direct warning,from him to me, to stop. And I think, at times, spanking when you are still that bit annoyed, would also have the ability to calm oneself and to let go of the frustration. I trust Mitch implicitly and have no doubt whatsoever that even when angry, he would never lose control of that anger and use it against me in a threatening, non-healthy way.

Should I have been spanked? I really don't know. I realise that not everything has to be dealt with by this method, good old 'opening the mouth and having words come out' is the way to go whenever possible isn't it and I can tell you right now that spanko or not, in the midst of all of that......... I did not want or feel the need to be spanked, which isn't quite the same as needing it though, which also confuses me because if I look at it all more closely, these are probably the times when a spanking is likely to have the maximum beneficial effect.
We still have this hurdle, time will tell how it pans out but I'm having slight trouble in letting it go and letting it........... 'just be'. I feel its not been discussed enough but we can't take it into any further discussion for another few days. The waiting is difficult and I still kinda feel like I want to cut my nose off despite my face kinda thing, I still feel quite 'defiant' about the whole thing even though I appear to have it under control on the surface, I still feel a swirl of emotions bubbling away underneath. I still feel a tiny wee bit disconnected and feel the need for some sort of reassurance.I only hope that if they break through.......... I can handle it a bit better this time. Phew, why do things have to be so complicated. Nothing whatsoever to me making them more complicated than they need to be I wonder?
Its not easy ttwd is it.......

VBA Award(s) :)

2011-11-21T12:12:00.001Z

Well Wow, who knew such a thing existed :)
I would like to say thankyou to Kitty @ http://sweetsurrender.blogspot.com/
Mikki @ http://makingupforlosttime.blogspot.com/
and Grace @ http://enjoyingthejourney.blogspot.com/
for thinking enough about my blog to include it and I also very much enjoy reading each of your journeys :)

As for 7 things you don't know about me:

1) I can play the chorus of Japanese Boy on the piano.............badly. Did I say badly? I meant barely :)

What can I say............. it was the 80's!

2) I can still fit into an old pair of Size 6 jeans (can't breath but can fasten them :) but............. personally I think they've been labelled incorrectly.

3) I used to wear a tiny gold hoop through my nose when I had it pierced............. I miss it.

4) I've discovered, since having children not so long ago, that sneezing (or trampolining) with a full bladder is not advisory.

5) I once ran out of petrol, in the town centre, in a car I once had just to see if the fuel warning light worked.

6) My pet hate is misspelling, invisible punctuation and bad grammar.

7) I'd rather give birth with no pain relief than go to the dentist. I once spent an agonising Hogmanay in the emergency dental section of the local hospital getting root treatment.

As for the 15 blogs, I just can't do it either!
I'm finding that keeping up with reading other blogs never mind posting on my own, is pretty time-consuming but the ones on my blog list (although there are a handful I'd like to add but haven't had the time to yet) are the ones I visit the most so feel free to have a look.
They are all unique in some way or another and I like to show my interest by commenting where I can. To me, I feel this is kinda blog etiquette in a way but mostly, it's just because I really enjoy the post and feel I 'must' offer the insight of my opinionated self (nooo, not a trace of wry sarcastic humour here at all hehehe :)

So although I am now going to mention one particular blog that I am following with much interest :) - I would like everyone who comments here, who's blogs I comment on, you shall all know who you are :) to know, that I appreciate the insight, the advice, the humour and the support. The way your words make me think deeper about things, how they can change my opinions that I sometimes feel too readily without really thinking it through enough, to those that make me giggle and to those who make me feel like I'm not the only one.

Lol, somebody get me a stage..............

So anyway, Emi, I hope you don't mind, but your blog fascinates me ( in a healthy, non-stalking way you understand :) The very first post I read had me hooked (parts of it seemed to resonate with my inner bitch amongst other things lol :) and I have enjoyed (enjoyed.... well, you know what I mean) reading every other post since. I am following your journey with interest :)
http://veiledobsessions.blogspot.com/

So thanks again folks, All you need to know is............. if I comment on your blog........... (firstly that I've actually managed to find it :) then be assured that I like it, or that it has moved me in some way :)

Where is my coffee???

2011-11-17T21:00:00.001Z

For all those who are caffeine addicts :)

eBay: Please cancel order of bionic hand :)

2011-11-17T11:09:00.001Z

"where's your book?"

"in the kitchen cupboard hiding behind the cereal box's."

"let me see it then."

But WHYYYYY????? (if you can't see the slight 'whine'....... Believe me it's there!)

"because I want to see it. Bring it out".

But.... Blah blah..... but..... Blah blah..... Blah!!

* reaches into cupboard, fights through the mass of Cheerios, and brings out the book himself *
And reads it!

"didn't I ask you to fill out the missing days from last week?"

Silence

Reads some more.......Oops!

"right! 200 lines.... Da dada da da......"

HEAR my huge intake of indignant, HORRIFIED and shocked breath!!

"WHAAAT???? But........."

"ok, make it 300 (silence from me, oh yes because I'm a FAST learner!) because when I ask to see your book, I shouldn't have to ask twice should I?"

NO!!!

"and I shouldn't be getting any excuses or arguments about it..... Should I?"

NO!!!!!!!!!

Little cuddle and mumbled agreement from me later.......

"I'm not going to have you write the lines, I know you've not been feeling 100% so I understand why you've written what you've written (I have a cold, well, we all have, I may be getting the red paint out soon to mark an X on my front door lol!) but just remember to write in your book every day and give it to me when I ask, ok?"

Ok :) Phew!!

But see here's the thing that I'm probably 'stupidly' going to confess to......

Thinking that I was going to have to spend silly amounts of time writing 200 lines..... Well even though I was shocked, It still had time to flash through my mind at the same time, that because of 'why' I'd been asked to write them..... It was a really good way to get me to 'think' and 'realise', to 'learn' and to 'strive' to be more positive. I thought 200?? Oh yeah, I'll be learning something from this one!!

And then when I heard 300!! Well...... I realised, very plainly and clearly, that it was not a bad thing if I kept the 'buts' etc from slipping out. And I then thought 300?? Oh yes, definitely learning from this one!

I came to the realisation that it's not so much, blindly doing as I'm told with no questions asked, but more of........
Accepting his authority without challenging it so much? If you know what I mean. (well c'mon, sexy it may be or not, it's still easier said than done and I'm still trying to get used to his..... New status :)
But on the other hand, I think I felt his authority more, in a way, when he chose to turn it around. (sweet guy:) Does that make any sense? Well if it does then feel free to let me know because I'm still trying to understand it!

I blame Blogger

2011-11-15T10:22:00.000Z

Feeling the after effects from a spanking or two...... or three or four actually as I've come to realise..... is a pretty effective reminder in terms of reminding me of my attitude etc.
And if truth be told, I like to feel the reminder it leaves me with coz it's sooo much better in the most obvious of ways to 'feeling' it after, than at the time! Kinda :)
It makes me feel calm, more focused, more motivated, somehow 'softer', sexy :) and well......... I look at him and just think........ WOW! I mean, personally I think he is 'Wow' pretty much all of the time anyway but there's just that wee extra 'something' in knowing that underneath his gentleness..... Therein lies a man who can wield a paddle....... or whatever!

But

After the intensity of Friday night where consequences later kinda became a little blurred by play, which can get kinda confusing and just now remembering I didn't have maintenance (shhhh) I'm wondering if it doesn't make me a little bit clumsy, maybe a wee tad accident prone .......

I'll rush quickly through the cringe worthy, embarrassing, 'don't try this at home' but quietly amusing crash and burn account of attempting a Sharon Stone move which resulted in a sore foot (not mine!)

Then, preparing dinner, I accidentally grated my knuckle instead of the cheese (never mind putting a plaster on too tight that my finger could have fallen off.......... Ok that was a tiny wee bit of an exaggeration, but it FELT like that!)

Fast forward to a 'raising of the voice frustrated attitude' and probably way too many warnings to quit it, over blogger of all things!!!! .......... which had Mitch leaving the room and coming back with a 'quiet' implement, a flurry of 'calm down and change your attitude' strokes while giving a quiet, no-nonsense but gentle and calming lecture that resulted in having a wee bit fun in front of the 'not so steady on it's feet' cooker....... :)

"STOP!!!!!!!!! ......... I can smell gas, can you smell gas???" Oops!

Next morning for breakfast I burned my finger trying to get the bagels out the toaster......
Then thinking the ciggie in the ashtray wasn't lit, (wtf??) I took it out and laid it on the table.........

"did you not notice my cigarette falling out the ashtray?"

"eh....... Well ACTUALLY......."

So what's all that about? ?

The most surprising thing of the whole weekend though, for me?
Was that after Mitch read my 'bootcamp' blog post late last night, after all my mishaps (my man is probably like a lot of men who doesn't ask the obvious questions like..... What's Bootcamp? Thankfully hehe :) and some more talking about things, he told/asked? I'm not quite sure but I do know he said it in a firm tone, that I kneel, on the floor, in front of him and when I was there he asked me very quietly to look at him.

Being in that position....... I'm still kinda in shock! I never in a million years figured that being there, like that, quiet and still and looking up at him...... Would have had such an instant effect on me.
I know that this is 'favoured by some' as one of THE ultimate submissive positions? and its something I've not really thought about all that much to be honest. And I'm sure he didn't realise the significance that this position can sometimes hold either....I don't think?

I literally melted into a whirl of very strong confusing/scary/vulnerable/wildly sexy 'SUBMISSIVE' thoughts!
Yes ME....... feeling PROPERLY submissive...... Well...... I THINK I did? It's as near to what I'd imagine properly submissive could maybe be? Could maybe feel like? Should feel like? (NB: I'm going to be throwing the 'S' word in quite a lot from now on, thinking if I can be more comfortable saying it, it might make it a tiny bit easier to actually DO it lol!!)
And dare I say, I loved it. I loved being there, like that. I loved the feelings it gave me. The feelings it generated within/for me but also the way I felt so strongly towards/to/for HIM. I didn't feel demeaned in any way, I didn't feel that he was a superior being or anything. I didn't feel like some sort of weird person who had complied to such a request! I felt, very strongly, that it just felt....... I was in the right place at the right time kinda thing, with this amazing man who loves me so much, who 'I' love so much. Strangely calming, exciting and omg but soooo hot!!

So I asked him after, "why did you ask me to do that?"
He said it was the height. The difference in height. He wanted to look down at me (NOT down ON me if you get me) Kinda wow because I'm sure he hadn't actually had time to wonder - 'right, what can I do to make her 'feel' more submissive to me'...... Mitch is more like running on instinct.

Who on earth would have thought that something sooo simple, would have such an effect! I mean, I was just kneeling on the floor in front of him while he sat on the chair!!! I'm completely astounded by this fact!
Ok so it's not like he's going to demand I kneel at his feet on a regular basis or anything (no offence to anybody who does this mind :) but I certainly see more clearly 'why' people choose to do this. Speaking in terms of myself and our relationship and taking away the submissive feelings it gave me, I am seeing this as a bit similar to how corner time works for me. Or how corner time 'could' work more effectively for me. Now I'm not overly familiar with the corner yet and I certainly have never felt in the corner, the way I felt kneeling, but, I think, aside from other more obvious reasons perhaps, that these two positions have the effect of forcing me to calm down more effectively when I start to get stressed/attitude/angry etc. They somehow take me to a more submissive place, to a different mindset and I think these positions, for me, would probably be more beneficial whilst a lecture was in progress just because of that mindset.

Maybe?

Sooo, because of the way it felt, because as I lifted my eyes to his, because I couldn't look away, I don't think he would have allowed me to look away if I'd tried but he also didn't expect anything from me either.......... And so guess what I did?

ME! .......... I .......... Initiated!! :)

and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do, right there, right in that moment.

And aside from still being a bit confused and overwhelmed by my reactions to the whole 'kneeling' thing......... I'm still wondering which one of us was more surprised!

Waiting for the perfect man

2011-11-14T11:46:00.001Z

At one point in time I thought this was gonna be me.......... But well, I don't have a dog :) Hehehe

Bootcamp

2011-11-12T13:50:00.001Z

Nooooo silly....... Not THAT Bootcamp!
(thankfully we do not have the time :)

But I do feel like I've just been through a wee mini bootcamp of my own.
One of the upsides to Mitch having access to my blog is that he's actually READ it all! Fast forward quickly past a post saying something along the lines of 'child free time' etc and it appears that it's been taken on board. Well..... Correction..... It HAS been taken on board.
If I had a pound for every time I've said or thought recently 'be careful what you wish for', well, I'd be rich :)

We had a looong talk last night about my wee red book. (this was after being told to lay the 'toys' out.... Yeah I kinda had to do this twice seeing as they were thrown down in a messy heap first time around and then I had to HAND him the book...... strangely difficult!)
HE talked and I tried not to noticeably squirm.
First of all, he checked the 'lines' I had written earlier that day. Oh yes...... Lines! A whole 100 of them! I have to say, in terms of making a point over something I may have said the night before which resulted in my having to do this...... Well..... It's actually very effective. A range of emotion ran through me as I wrote them! I actually felt quite submissive. But that came alongside being quite indignant, annoyed, sorry, sexy, acceptance..... Not necessarily in that order. I felt quite proud of myself for doing as I was told, embarrassed because I had to do them, realisation that actually writing these words down, made them stick, fed-up when I was only on number 37 and relief when I finished. Then I had to rip them up!!
Then, a bit of a misunderstanding in terms of how often I should be writing in my book. Apparently, not being too fussed about it and missing a couple of days here and there don't apply. (Well I kinda lost motivation for writing in it I think...... I know, it's only something like a week old and I've lost motivation already!) Who would have thought :)
Anyhow, going through what I had written, me thinking ok, it's not brilliant but could be a lot worse......... it turned out that I had kinda..... broke (hate that word, I prefer ~~ignored~~ disregarded :) a 'few' rule type things.

Lesson learned......... I need to buy more pens.
Seeing as I've been asked to record EVERYTHING! Everything means rules I've not adhered to, what caused me to not adhere to them and if there's anything I feel I should 'confess' to..... I've gotta be honest and record that too. And I also have to note down those things I DO do when I should etc. The purpose of which is to see where I need 'help' and 'motivation', and to visibly note any improvement. (sigh)

Anyone got a spare bionic hand lying around I could borrow?

I felt Mitch was on a mission of his own last night AND....... something's happened to his hand. It's starting to feel more like a flippin paddle!!
The bionic hand is for me by the way, not for him!

After the warm-up, the mega INTENSE warm-up....... he had me standing in the corner, skirt up (this makes me feel sooo vulnerable not to mention a bit embarrassed) 'thinking' about how I could improve upon the things I had written in the book.
It's quite difficult to think properly when there's random swats coming at you, merrily engineered to help you along....... Guess what, it kinda works.
So I stood there, (thinking he's realising that I listen so much more when he knows I can't manoeuvre away) he listened to my ideas for improvement, added some of his own and we reached an agreement between us of how/when to implement some changes.
Then.......... ciggie break :) Oh yes.... in the midst of apparent 'punishment', my man gives me ciggie breaks :)
No...... I'm not sniggering babe.
Back to reality and over his knee. I'm coming to dislike that corset paddle, intensely!

"this isn't maintenance, you know that right?"
NO kidding!

No doubt he was making a point coz too much attention was being paid to the very top of my thighs...... No like :(
and different positions were suddenly being used.
I'm going to point out here that I'm thinking that taking well over 5mins, once it was over, still in position, to try to utter "Please Sir, may I stand up and come through for a cigarette" (he knows how to tempt me lol) just proves how stubborn and 'un-submissive' I can be! I was literally battling with myself! Omg it was sooo hard to do and swearing rather too loudly to myself didn't go down all that well. Ouch!
Everything about it was difficult! The position, feeling exposed, knowing I was being quietly observed, my wrists were starting to feel uncomfortable coz I was leaning on my hands, dinner was going to burn if I didn't AND I WANTED a ciggie...... Lol!
I don't normally address him as 'sir'. We just don't do that. I knew he was trying to take me out of my comfort zone, he DID too. I felt he was asking me to do this only because he just wanted to see if I would submit to doing/saying something that I found difficult. So, FINALLY, I said it! Was it because I had 'submitted'? I don't really think so, not truthfully, not for the right reasons. I think it was more because of my reasons above. Oh well, more practice required there then!

During dinner, we talked about ttwd. He doesn't like to use the 'submission' word, not sure I do either, it's hard to attain! But I do want to attain it. I feel I need to be helped along a bit and be given more ways to help me get used to being more submissive even though I know I'm going to stick my heels in and fight it. Contradictory or what! He would never force submission from me, I know I need to push myself to give it freely but I think maybe I just need him to test me a little more.

And yeah, after dinner, I got spanked, again! I'm tempted to change my blog name to 'Ass of Steel' or something :)

11/11/11

2011-11-11T07:43:00.001Z

So......... It's Love Our Lurkers Day today

2011-11-10T08:13:00.001Z

So......... anybody that happens to 'lurk' around my blog :) ........ I may not know you are there...... But, this day is mainly for you guys so please please be brave enough (I know how scary that first comment can be to make, as I shall say that I too have also been a 'lurker' in the past and please bear in mind it's just as scary for me today!) to take the time and ask any questions etc you may have about my journey/blog or even just to pop in and say Hi :)

You can be completely anonymous and it goes without saying that any comments would be very much appreciated :)
Not forgetting any regular 'followers', those who do already comment and those who haven't yet, to HELP me along :)

Oh...... And........

It would make me feel real popular (hehehe :) and you would be doing me a huge favour in terms of avoiding embarrassment :))

Sooo......... I'm thinking....... What can I do to encourage more readers/followers/comments? I'm not entirely sure, I just write what I write, some may like it, some will not but I quite like Bonnie's idea's about finding some sort of incentive for you guys to leave comments..........

I have no special post in the making for today so at first I was......

Ha! Slightly tempted to say I'll take a swat with the dreadful LJ for every swear word I utter that's recorded in my not so little red book....... But I wouldn't be able to sit down for a whole 6 months, or maybe even never again so well.........
that would just be too mean wouldn't it.......... Oh yes it would!!

So... I could say that for every 'follower' I have, I will take that number as swats on each cheek by an implement to be decided, I mean, I only have 38, (by the way I am Lmao coz at time of writing this I had 38, now I'm up to 41, thanku guys :)) I'm beginning to wonder if I should have edited this little idea out :) but I'm a spanko, how bad could it be lol!!

Or even put it out there that if I get up to say....... Something ridiculous like 80 followers by the end of today, I'll do a naked dance around my garden :) But....... Nobody would believe me would they? hehehe :)

But I'm thinking instead..... I'll opt for the safest option :) ......

I will ask Mitch if he will write a wee post on my blog (don't think he's quite ready or up for starting his own, sorry :) to tell HIS story from first having ttwd sprung upon him, by me, what his thoughts were/are, how it has affected us and where he wants it to take us kinda thing! (hey babe :) is this ok? Hehehe)

Hell....... He might even help in answering a question or two himself (but please bear in mind he will not be able to answer straight away) if anybody feels like throwing in one or two specifically for him :)

But regardless, nobody need become a follower to comment, I'd be quite happy if anybody just plain old de-lurked today :)

So I guess I should say GO?! ........ or something lol :)

What to do about LOL day?

2011-11-08T21:44:00.001Z

Ok, here's the thing..... I have (at last count :) 38 'followers'. Now I assume these are people who are interested/enjoy/like what I document. Most are people who have their own blogs where they too, document their journey........ but some are not, which is fine :) I appreciate every one of you :)

But.... see here's my worry (ooh could this be a case of glass half empty I wonder, let's hope not lol!) .......

I have been looking at my stats and well, I'm pretty pleased with them, I never expected anybody (hoped :) but didn't expect) to really be all that interested to be honest...... So......

On some posts/days etc..... I get quite a lot (a lot for me :) of page views. I think one of my posts is standing at 205 views :)) (This is a lot, to me, I'm not tracking my own page views honest :)

So I'm thinking.... I have only 38 people who kindly 'follow' my blog, (by the way, if you are one of said followers and haven't commented yet, why not?!! Lol..... Seriously, I'd love to hear your views etc) so this brings me to the conclusion that with so many more than 38 page views........

Well, there's just GOT to be a 'lurker' or two in there...... Surely?

I want to join in on 'LOL' day but my biggest fear is not getting any comments!!

There, I've said it! That is my one reason why I'm not sure I will, I mean........ How awful and embarrassing would THAT be?!

So I'm really not sure what to do....... I mean it's not like I can rally all my non-Internet/non-blog friends to leave anonymous comments can I lol!

The Response

2011-11-07T20:27:00.001Z

Ok ok....... A quick little post :)
Just because I feel ridiculously happy :))

Mitch's response has been great, no that's not quite right ........ More like fantastic :))

Oh the relief I can't tell you!

Here is the very 1st response:

How do I comment? Should I start a blog? Not sure I want to do that. I love the whole thing and want you to keep it as yours. Nice to read it tho as it gives me a little insight to what has and hasn't gone well. Xxx

Then :) (after my further questioning of course)

Yes babe, I think I've managed to read it all. I'm very proud of you, especially today. I might just keep a wee eye on it instead of posting. That way you can keep it as yours without me getting too involved. Xxx

I canny get the smile off my face :)

One of My rules

2011-11-07T17:47:00.001Z

What a good long weekend :)

Lots of fun with the kids & with each other :)
A little maintenance but not as long or as thorough as I would have liked but better than nothing :)
A pretty good talk over rules and my little book.... (oh yes I now have it in book form!) And the rules are all written in the back, lest I forget!

It's fits in my handbag, which is handy in a way seeing as one of my rules is having to keep it with me as much as possible!!
Not so sure I'm keen on this! In fact I'm not! I mean, what if I lose my bag and someone handed it in to the police station! Shock/horror!!

And....... What?......have I to sleep with it under my pillow ffs? (no I didn't actually say that...... I'm not supposed to be swearing am I :)

Following into a lovely few child free hours today :)
I had a 'freak out' moment today.

One of my rules (which I made by the way because I know it's important) is for me to 'initiate' more. By this I mean initiate sex or sexual contact!
I don't do this anywhere near as often as I should, or could for that matter!
Why?

That's a tough one! A number of reasons:

I much prefer being 'dominated' than dominating. (although this is kinda weird because whenever I've been 'dominating', well, it kinda turns me on too but nowhere near as much as being the one who lacks control) Being dominated floats my boat more :)

It makes me feel quite shy.

It makes me feel under pressure. (a bit like I MUST perform kinda thing)

I feel inexperienced :( I've always been this way. I never liked taking charge..... So I kinda never did! So part of me goes through the whole crazy, I'm not doing this right scenario!

~~Lazy?~~ Lol

~~Selfish~~?

So this morning, having been told that I was to initiate....... (WHY did I make this a rule????)
It made me want to run away! Now don't misunderstand me, it's not that I don't want/can't/don't like to give M pleasure, it's not that at all. It's more of all of the above!
So there I am, sitting in the kitchen finishing my coffee, fighting with myself! I actually thought of opening the back door and taking off I kid you not! M knows how I feel, he has been very patient, very understanding, very helpful and encouraging in making it as easy as possible for me, which helps...... albeit minutely!
I sat and weighed it all up (surprised M didn't fall asleep waiting!) Although that would have solved it lol!

I could run away (not really viable, I'd have to come back!)
I could somehow make myself invisible so he couldn't find me. (nah, Harry Potter films aren't real!)
I could throw a strop?
I could just say NO! (oh yeah..... That's a kinda rule type thing now)
Or
I could just go and bloody do it and save both of us a horrible aftermath!

Which sounds terrible because I don't want M to think I don't want to. I want to want to. And I know he wants me to, it's not fair for him to always have to come to me. I know this.
So anyhow, feeling not a little angry having been put in this situation, (I mean, could he not have waited for a NIGHT, when it's DARK, where alcohol was involved just to take the edge off my anxiety?!) I gathered every ounce of courage I had, and managed to leave the kitchen!
You have no idea how hard this was to do, I told him I found it extremely hard to do but he can't possibly understand I don't think! Who would?! It's madness!!

So I did it. I INITIATED! And once I get over that first hurdle, hey....... It's not so bad :) In fact, I quite like it. I DO like it............ But Occasionally ok :) I can do occasionally......... ~~stupid rule!~~

Much later he went off home, forgetting that he'd said we would look at my blog today and of course, I didn't remind him (well I had had enough bravery for one day thanku very much lol!)

So I did what I said I wouldn't do............................... Oh no!!!! I only went and sent him the link!!

Excuse me now till I go and be sick with nerves!!!!

An unexpected mindset

2011-11-05T12:47:00.001Z

Soooo.............

I have THE link, all ready to send by email. (just in case he asks about my blog)
I just cannot send it unless he asks. I'm thinking because it's something for me, my thing, and because he hasn't taken it as a big deal. (should he have I don't know, I don't think so)
Well I'm kinda thinking that it won't be the very first thing he thinks about when he wakes up in the morning or the last thing he thinks about before going to sleep at night........ Like I am lol!!
It will stay in draft form until then. Unless of course I have a few drinks later and end up feeling particularly brave :) But then to have him look at it in my presence, well I think I'd want to run away!

I wonder what he will think of it? I wonder if he will even think about looking at my blog list, will he explore? If he does, what will he think of what others write about? Will he get some bright ideas lol!!! I wonder if my blog will amuse him and a tiny tiny part of me wonders if he will not like it at all. I do not like thinking about the latter.

And then there's my book! Well technically it's not a book yet. It's more recording stuff on my little notes app on my phone. I'm thinking I may need to buy a diary!! I've written a couple of things in it, nothing major, but it feels strange to have to do this. It feels strange knowing that Mitch is going to ask to see it. It feels strange trying to picture myself handing it over. Will I have to read it to him? Omg perish the thought!
Reading over what I've written, doesn't sound good :( and there's one rule in particular that I appear to keep breaking........ swearing! And oh boy does it stand out never mind that I've definitely felt more of an awareness about it BECAUSE I'm having to record it..... but obviously not enough. I do swear more than I should. It's something I've never given much thought to until recently. Nor has he funnily enough. It was my choice to add swearing as a rule because I want to try and stop it, because when I hear other people I've only just started to realise how awful and totally unladylike it sounds. And Mitch agrees.
Seeing as this is a new thing we are trying, (on a trial basis to see if it works) I'm feeling a little 'anxious' perhaps? of what the outcome to what I've recorded so far will be. Because I don't know. I can guess though Lol!
I DO know that his intention is to have a kind of 'visual' aid to see where improvements can be made so that it shows more clearly where progress is being made. Or not!!
To him, it's not about deliberately looking to punish. It's not to highlight my faults as such........... It's his way of highlighting MY awareness of our rules on a more constant basis, ie: even when he's not around. It's his way of ensuring his dominance is felt when he's not around, a reminder to me, that even when he's not physically present...... The rules still apply.

And the strangest thing of all, for me, is that I 'feel' his dominance through having to do this. It IS a constant reminder. I find I'm slowing down to think before I open my mouth (this is a work in progress I assure you :)
I'm also finding it a bit disconcerting to realise that this is having the effect of making me lean towards a more submissive mindset, something that didn't cross my mind and something I didn't expect. (naive perhaps?)

But the biggest strangest thing of all, is that I bloody like it!! I like the way this makes me feel! I feel a closeness I've never felt before even though he's not here! It's like he's with me, looking over my shoulder, gently reminding me to do my best.

And I find myself trying to do my best, not only for me, but more so, for him.

Babe........ I have a blog :)

2011-11-04T09:46:00.001Z

Oh yes, I did confess :)

To let you understand, we talk, quite a bit, whether it be through email, 1-1 or whatever and he has only recently been aware that I read other people's blogs regarding ttwd (how else would I be armed with sooo much information lol) and just very recently, I've been expanding a wee bit about the things I read. (with the occasional copy and paste of interesting, helpful posts that others have written, with no blog names attached :) just in case it inadvertently led him to mine)
So I've told him a 'little' about it, about blogland but I'm sure he really has no clue as to what it's like through any explanation I could ever give him. It's more of a....... you've got to come and have a look/see for yourself kinda thing.

And just so's you know, up until this point, one of my reasons behind not telling him I was going to actually start one is because he wouldn't expect me to 'ask' his permission to do so and being perfectly honest, it never crossed my mind to ask although I think if we had been as far down the line as we are right now...... I think maybe I might have thought more about it and I think maybe I might have asked if he minded.......... Jeez what is happening to me!!! :)

But anyway, too late now lol!

The other reasons are because this was something I needed to do, for myself, to try to process the amount of confusion? I felt surrounding the whole thing, to try to gain a better understanding of it all. I mean, bearing in mind at the very start of our journey, I was more trying to incorporate spanking into our relationship as opposed to anything else and I didn't fully understand myself what I wanted, how I wanted it to be until I discovered ttwd. I didn't fully understand or accept the feelings I had, so in part, starting my own blog was more a way of working through my feelings, processing it all, and finally, gaining a better understanding and perspective of it so that I could approach Mitch with as much knowledge as possible :)

But, I suppose one of my 'bigger' reasons for not telling him, has gotta be because of 'shyness!'
I mean, I have a hard enough time trying to talk about ttwd never mind blogging about it! I feel excruciatingly shy with the thought of him actually reading this. Not that there's much here that he doesn't in fact know or that we haven't talked about already but because of how open we can be, especially after a spanking and how close I felt with him the other night, because I felt he has been making so much more of an effort, because he has given our circumstances and how it affects our ability to do ttwd a bit more thought which shows me his commitment to ttwd and to myself but mostly because I felt the timing was just right to share this with him, I always knew I would, I just wasn't sure when. I think/wonder in fact if he wasn't all that surprised to be perfectly honest :)

So....... bearing in mind, it was late, we were in bed and we were tired. A few questions later and we were dead to the world.

"what do you write in it?" (the very first thing he asked)
"what do you call yourself?"
"when did you start it?"
"do you find it helps?"

He wasn't angry, he didn't feel I had been dishonest or devious or anything which is good coz neither do I. He likes/understands and realises that this blog is MY thing. It's for me......to help us..... and well, we both know that we each have/will have, certain things in our life, in our relationship, that are just for ourselves, as long as it's nothing that will be detrimental to our relationship. To me, personally, this is not a bad thing, its healthy, it's a healthy attitude.

Anyhow, after answering, I asked him if he thought he would read it. He said he would maybe take a look. (he's not all that much into reading)

No! But do you WANT to read it? Are you INTERESTED in reading it?

(I mean I've gotta know right?...... By the way......... The nervousness I feel that he might read it is killing me!!)

I don't think he will participate, (would I want him to? Hmmm, I think I might)
I think it's very cool when I see any Hoh's commenting occasionally but I'm not sure Mitch is ready to enter this tiny corner of my world? I think it would shock him a little?
Never mind the fact I too might be in the future position of trying to avoid him reading stuff that may give him ideas!! Not that he's not doing a good job of that all on his own right enough!

So you're maybe wondering, like I am, when.... if..... his name will pop up here and there....... I have no idea :) BUT.........

Unless I tell him the name of my blog (hehehe :) or until I send him the link............. Probably not :))

Another Omfg Moment

2011-11-03T15:03:00.001Z

Sorry........ but O M F G! ...... Again!

I have only just gone and got myself an 'Accountability Book!' (for want of a better expression) coz this sounds SERIOUS! (gulp!)

Having not seen Mitch since Sunday till last night (boy do I miss him) ... and having HIM suggest maintenance.......

Starting off with a nice warm-up :) followed by....... Wtf?? Babe, it's MAINTENANCE, you don't really 'need' to go through every implement we have!
He likes variety he told me!

Then I felt the Loopy!

Noooooooooo!! Please not that.
He is still amazed that the bare minimum of force used, is........ Bloody sore!!!! So it's agreed (again?) that this will only be used in exceptional circumstances or those times I have been previously disciplined and continue to 'not learn' from it. Phew :)

(NB: now would NOT be a good time in confessing that I cancelled my latest dental appointment then :)

I always find I can talk more openly and explicitly after a spanking. It does a really good job of opening up my line of communication with only the barest hint of discomfort :)
So we came to the agreement (by his suggestion) that doing ttwd is a wee bit difficult in achieving 'true' results in terms of us not being together all the time. Mitch wondered what the point was in setting rules and guidelines if I didn't follow them when I wasn't 'with' him, so therefore how would I 'learn' anything and how would I manage to 'change' a behaviour if I only did it part-time kinda thing.
So comes the need for honesty, transparency, commitment to ttwd and for CONSISTENCY!
Consistency being his favourite new word and one that he is taking very seriously now, now that he appears to realise it's importance and the effects it can have on me when it's lacking.

Hence the bloody book!
I must date it, record the broken rule and the (excuses?) reasons for breaking it. A discussion is to follow regarding what improvements can....... Eh..... will..be made and a decision made on whether a punishment will be given in response to my excuses...........Eh.. reasons!

AND..... I was informed that smoking would be becoming a rule at some point in the not too distant future!

Ok....... Say WHAT??

PRINCESS.............HELP!!!!!!!

Ok..... Ok...... I agree with his reasons which is why I agreed (although whether it would have been put in place without my agreement remains to be seen) I asked him if this was him becoming more focused/serious with ttwd.
He said yes (yikes!) It's hit home to him the responsibility he now has as leader. Apparently.
I'm coming to realise I am just as responsible.
We had a good long talk about various ttwd things :) and about last weekend (I'm surprised he hasn't started taking notes lol) and I was very honest. He takes what I say on board and then goes away and thinks about things and then surprises me. Shocks me even!

Sooo...... Later in bed......

"I cancelled my dentists appointment that I had for yesterday babe......"

Why do my reasons always seem fine until I start to voice them? Why do I argue the point until he asks THE question I have no answer for?

"go and bend over the dresser."
Ok Mr CONSISTENCY! (remind me again why inconsistency bothers me?!)

I fear pointing out I'm naked will make no difference at all, so I quietly bend over (thank god it's dark.....ish!)
5 strokes with the cane (ok not bad :) He never uses full swing as he is very wary about breaking the skin (goood :))
The trouble is...... He's getting way way better at reading me in this situation. He's getting way way better at realising what will be effective and what will not!

Those few strokes later were effective!

No seriously babe, I'm not jumping around and being quiet because it's not affecting me :) It's coz the kids are next door sleeping!!!!!!

Then he had me put the flippin light on and had me bending over in front of him so he could assess his handiwork!!

Although I hate to disappoint this guy, I find it sooo incredibly sexy with each 'step-up' he takes. I love that he is thinking more about ttwd (although it'll never be as physically possible as the amount of time I spend thinking about it :) I love the safe feeling I get in knowing he's there watching my back. I love how he is so accepting, so communicative and so fair.
I chose well :)

So......my ass impersonating a hot water bottle, all snuggled up.......

"what would you say if I told you I had my own blog?"..........

To be continued.................

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T20:52:00.002Z

Hope everyone's having a Happy Halloween :)

S.B. Syndrome

2011-10-30T22:33:00.000Z

I have this condition, it isn't noticeable too often. (thankfully) Its called The Spoilt Brat Syndrome.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out why........... why is it that because I've been pretty good all week, do I suddenly flick that switch that screams................

It all started on Friday night, our child free night. I have a bad habit (yes another one!!) of thinking way way ahead and what usually happens is I get this perfect little scenario of how things should/could be and when my little scenario doesn't go the way I had envisioned................. well.................... that switch gets flicked!

I had envisioned a relaxing night, which I got by the way, but the discussion of certain things that I thought were going to be discussed did not happen, nor was any spanking going on. But what really annoyed me was I sat till pretty much the end of the night............ wondering!!!! Waiting!!!! Unable to say ANYTHING about it!

I got a handful of swats for crossing the line between playful banter into...... not quite so playful banter (smirk) and was then informed that I wasn't going to get a spanking that night because I'd been sooo good all week and because I hadn't cancelled my dentists appointment for the 4th time in a row. I really dislike that dentist now like!!

I think Mitch thought he was doing me a favour by not spanking me, how vanilla!! Ok so I'm pleased there were no punishments going on but...................... you can't say something like that to a SPANKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The night was young, there were no children around, perfect opportunity AND throw my very own scenario into the mix and you get........................ nothing :(

So anyway, regardless, up until this point I had had a good night, I love spending time with Mitch but the wondering and waiting and then wow........ I felt soooo disappointed. That disappointment had me withdrawing pretty damn quick. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't control it, it was just .................... happening.
Mitch is pretty intuitive, he is not however, psychic! I know this but he should be!! Lol! And I find it difficult to hide what I'm feeling. It shows up in my face, my eyes, my expression, my stance.

And so we went to bed................yeah I was suddenly tired. Not! I had to get away, I had to have the cover of darkness to hide all the emotions that were screaming to get out. I knew I was being unfair, I knew he was probably feeling quite confused by this point. I knew deep down that the way I was feeling was my own doing, because I didn't get what I wanted but also because I'd had this scenario building for most of the day, unreasonable of course to have such expectations but by this point I wasn't feeling all that reasonable I'm ashamed to say.

I do not like not getting what I want!

Anyhow, once in bed and myself making it perfectly obvious I didn't feel like anything other than sleeping, (well now you know how it feels to not get something you want!) and even after the reminder that maintenance would be taking place the next morning, (Really?? I'm not sure I want to anymore) I still felt quite devastated. I mean.......... devastated! All the while thinking to myself, get a grip, you are over-reacting, its not the end of the world.............. and still I couldn't shake the attitude!
I had a crap sleep, got my maintenance spanking after the first coffee of the morning ( not like I didn't need it by this point it right?) but it got interrupted somewhat :) which was cool (well, hot actually but you know what I mean) but I still felt so out of control that I actually managed to ASK him to finish maintenance off kinda thing...............
But I don't know, things were just not 'clicking' this weekend. I felt kinda out of sync with Mitch. I'm not sure why.
Fast forward through a failed baking attempt later that day which had me wasting what felt like 12hrs trying to bake a stupid pumpkin and apple meringue pie that ended so disastrously that it never even saw the inside of the oven! And then sitting pretty damn bored on Sunday while becoming an X-box widow............. well that just topped the whole thing off. Everything started to annoy me, and I mean silly things that I wouldn't normally notice or even care about. Now I wasn't 'bratting'............(NOT that he would have noticed anyways seeing as he was 'busy')

but ..... like a spoilt brat.............. I sulked, quietly but noticeably. In fact, after re-reading this post so far, I think I may still be sulking.

Don't get me wrong, I asked to be taken home early and I do still think it was pretty ignorant of Mitch to play the X-box (oh yes I am aware of how childish this sounds now that it's written down) during 'our' time together. If we shared a home, saw each other on a constant basis, hell............. I'd probably be pleased.................. but we don't, and so I am home, feeling ignored and not a little unwanted and feeling as if we have not made the most of our time together. I am trying to reason with myself.............. it's me that's feeling .......... 'off.'
Sounds like a classic case of PMT actually when I think about it. Maybe.

So now that I've got my frustrations out on here (apologies)............... I've surprised myself with feeling a bit better. Oh doesn't it help to get things in perspective when you write them down................ which is a good thing isn't it, but also because.....................

I've just realised the above picture reminds me of something that I'd rather not think about and would rather avoid. Nothing like a visual reminder is there!

Moving on up

2011-10-27T10:31:00.001+01:00

I've lost count of the number of emails I've sent Mitch since beginning ttwd. (by the way, this is my new term for it today :) having seen it on others blogs and thinking - what does THAT mean (yeah thick I know lol :) well.... I kinda like it better and thinking this term won't freak Mitch out so much as I never say D/d to him)

Anyhow, the emails.......... What I've found is that I can relay ANYTHING & EVERYTHING so much better when I've written it down. I can explain myself better. I can be more open. I can be more forthcoming. I can be totally (scarily) truthful about my needs. I can be............ Ok ok, you get the point :)

But...... These emails always always, open up a direct discussion between us and I suddenly find I can actually physically open my mouth........ And actual WORDS come out :)) (sometimes with the additional help of Miss Tia Maria right enough but hey...... :)

Mitch finds my shyness rather amusing I think. I don't, I find it excruciating at times, but he has always read and taken on board each word I've written, with scary enthusiasm, and then applied where necessary!
He has never laughed at my emails, he has never made me feel like I'm not 'normal' and he has taken this ttwd :) in exactly the way I thought he would.

But ok so now my email titles start off with 'sorry it's ANOTHER long one....'
and is always backed up with a text sent to him TELLING him I've sent an email (my reasons for this is I once had to wait two horrible days after sending him an email that he didn't realise he had and he now knows that I'd like him to read any as soon as he possibly can, like instantly :) Ha!

So, yes the poor guy has another one! But I'm my defence, I'm getting good! It's been a whole 2weeks since my last one :)
These emails I send now are more with how I feel about it all, checking how he feels about it all and I might have been brave enough to share my thoughts regarding his leadership, my submission and a few other points I feel excruciatingly shy about mentioning cold turkey.......my last line in this particular one said that I just wanted to be sure that we were on the same page kinda thing.

His reply freaked me out. (in a good way)

'Well how do I reply to that?
We're not only on the same page but writing the same book.
I expect a text after you have been to the dentist. I think its today? You have a fair idea of the consequences if you do not go. You will also be praised and rewarded if you do go. This is a part of being "leader" for me.
Just remember that I love you and want us to work and for happiness to be the constant in our life together.' Xxx

Ok so I loved his reply (apart from the damn dentist part!) and the content of my email will be discussed properly soon I'm sure. Gulp!! But it needs to be and although my emails are instrumental in some of Mitch's progress........... what his reply proved to me...... Is that he's getting ready to move up to the next level (whatever that is lol) ...... all by himself.

Then I read his horoscope that day and Lmao!!

Following is a lot less stressful than taking charge, especially when it comes to a group situation. But you're about to be elected leader, and soon. Get ready. You can handle it. Beautifully.

Says it all really :)

Glass half empty or realistic.... Or Both?

2011-10-24T13:03:00.001+01:00

In the midst of all our little steps forward, through all our (or maybe that should be just be 'My') growing pains............
We quite simply have a dilemma. We are at a stage where we want and are ready to merge our families together. We spend a lot of time together already but we all so want to take it to the next level.

Getting there is not so easy, a little bit because of 'space' issues but mainly because of our individual circumstances at the minute. Those things kinda outwith our control. It's frustrating!

Because of all this, a new 'rule' has been put in place.......... by Mitch. (while I'm pleased he's taking this seriously enough to actually 'care' enough to make a rule he feels strongly enough about....... it's kinda hard to get used to....... never mind my acceptance of it)

I'm to be spanked for every time my glass is half empty! By this I mean........ Well I guess it means my negativity (and not just in the below situation but ok..... with a few other things too)
Along with the word 'No' - this is something else I do...... apparently a lot. He's right, I am, I do..........

It's crept up on me without me even being aware of it. I never used to be though to the extent I am now........ I think deliberately placing myself in the 'single mother' setting -
(brave.... yes, stupid.....no............. Necessary...... No doubt whatsoever)

Well it's brought out a realism in me and I must cross bridges before they've even been thought of being built because I need to be able to see where I'm going, or where I might end up....... Not for my sake......... But for my children's.
While Mitch understands this, he thinks positively whereas I look to see potential problems. (so by the time i get to those problems, I have a number of solutions to get us through them.... Should they ever happen) To me......... This is not negative.......... But realistic!
So the glass half empty spankings are going to be........ Interesting? Coz I'm not entirely sure I deserve to get them?
How do you/should I submit to something like this?

Yes I'm asking this as a question I think.

Anyhow I'm getting off the point of what I'd originally wanted to share......

Late last night we were talking on the phone about our 'living' circumstances..... Voices became raised (namely mine) but HE hung up!

Pre D/d....... I wouldn't have answered the phone after that, it would have been ignored, HE would have been ignored. Stubbornness would have kicked well in and he would have reacted off of that. The molehill would have became the mountain.
We batted a couple of txts back and forth but one stood out and it should have been glowing it was so obvious how D/d has changed both of us, our communication, for the better, His words:

"I'm not discussing this any further on the phone because you're getting wound up and I'm not there to bring you back down."

Big big step for me....... I called him. I apologised for raising my voice, he apologised for hanging up on me, we discussed a little more...... Calmly.

Instead of going to bed livid..... I felt........ Tired? No :) I felt.......... all was well with the world again :)
Whether he intends to spank me for shouting at him (another hard habit to break.... When I get stressed, my voice gets louder all on it's own) I have no idea, it wasn't mentioned, but the way things are now........ I shouldn't be surprised.

Stress Relief

2011-10-23T18:41:00.001+01:00

Been feeling a little 'off' over this weekend. Nothing I can quite put my finger on though. There have been no arguments, no attitude (not really :) and a lot of family time spent together with the kids :)
Although I love family time. It's not all laughter and plain sailing. It's more, at times, breaking up disagreements, (over anything and EVERYTHING!)

"No, you've already had 20million turns on the X-box, remember the talks we keep having about sharing?"

"No, you can't wear your sandals outside when we are knee deep in rain water."

"No, you can't expect to not finish your dinner and then ask for Sweeties."

No wonder I have a problem with the word NO lol!

I dance to the tune of "She did, he did" on a regular basis.
The "it's not fairs" and the - "It wasn't me's" and the "but........"
( No, this sounds nothing like me at all! :)

I don't know about anybody else but I have this ghost in my house............y'know the one I'm talking about..........he/she may also visit your house too.

And then there's the copious amounts of bribery:

"Santa won't come if you don't behave?"

"The Tooth Fairy won't leave pennies if you keep insisting that you are "NOT TIRED!"

So doing this while trying to keep the house in some sort of chaotic order with 4 'young-ish kids, making dinners, mopping up spilt juice (this is a regular occurrence) washing, baking butterfly cakes (verrryy nice) etc etc........... Mitch had been working so was tired........ I'm sure you can guess what's coming!

It had stopped raining for about 5 seconds so the kids were encouraged :) to go out to the park before Tea. Phew! Silence......

"Upstairs............. Now"
I thought I was going for a wee bit kiss n cuddle time :) I really need to stop being sooo naive and get it into my head that we are 'different' now!
He sat on the bed and I just stood in front of him, surprised! (I think he was trying not to laugh)
He guided me to his side and that's when it only went and dawned on me and I'm thinking (as I was gently pushed over his knee) .......... But I've not done ANYTHING!!! (but hey..... our 'toy' bag was nowhere to be seen so ok :)
Ok, its official......so now we're apparently calling it maintenance. It was noted that I was not wearing a skirt...(well it didn't bother you last night so I don't see why it should bother you today............
Ow!!!)
He talked, he spanked....... I listened........ and it all felt quite peaceful :) Until I heard the zip on that damn bag!

Noooo!! (there's that word again lol)

But..... This, AGAIN, was different. I'd started to feel disconnected from him over the last couple of days, everything was full speed, I was getting a wee tad stressed, nothing major, but I felt it building over the course of the day.......
Turns out so did he!

It turns out this guy knows how to deal with it too.
He knows what to say, when to say it, how to say it and I felt calm and loved and peaceful and supported and connected again, not just to him......... but to my sanity too lol. And he gave me exactly what I'd needed and I told him so :)

So, he talked, he spanked....... and I listened.

And then the sound of riotous kids could be heard from a not so far distance....... Damn! :)

'No' is not an option :)

2011-10-22T11:56:00.000+01:00

What I'm coming to see a lot more clearly now since starting out on this journey....... Is my fabulous ability to say No!
Oh yes.... this word features a lot in my vocabulary, way too much if I'm being honest with myself.

It was only last night that I really became aware of it. Mitch asked me on 2 separate occasions to do something and both times, my instant response was a big fat..

What he asked of me is really pretty irrelevant. It was my quick response, without even thinking about it..... That kinda shocked me.

"Do I say no to you a lot?"

"All the time!"

Oops!

The discussion that ensued was another eye-opener for me and oh did it later become apparent that it was an eye-opener for Mitch too!
You know I thought I was a pretty good communicator beforehand and what I like about this lifestyle we are stumbling through, is the clarity that comes from realising that there is ALWAYS room for improvement.
Pre-D/d I would never have given this a thought but I find I am sooo much more aware of how my words/actions etc affect others, in particular Mitch.

This may seem a small thing in comparison to others, but the effects have the potential to be far reaching.
I know I would not like it if I was told No! on a pretty regular basis. (ha! Not that he would dare :)

So fast forward 6 strokes with that damn loopy for a totally unrelated incident (if I said my latest excuse is because the phone lines were blown down with the wind (which is entirely a possibility) which is why I couldn't make an appointment with the dentist, you wouldn't be far off the mark!) and trust me when I say that was enough.......... I actually thought he went pretty easy since he had to phone the number for me and had me trying to wrestle the phone out his hand!

So......... as I was lying there with Mitch rubbing my bottom he leaned in close and spoke quietly in my ear......

"I want you to know that next Friday we will be doing maintenance (maintenance?? I don't call it that?!) and depending on how you behave from now until then will determine if it's going to be more of a punishment. I will choose what implement and the severity (wtf???) and what I want you to do is to record how many times you say 'No' not only to me but to anybody else (the kids are excluded from this thankfully!!!) during this time....... "

Ok, I knew I shouldn't have told him that some people have a type of accountability book thing going on (I do not want this) but ok this is not so bad, and....... I might 'miss' some :)

"and I will do the same".

Sh*t!!

"I think this seems pretty reasonable?"

Ok..... Yes then!
Well if anything, this has the potential to make me think before I speak. It can't be a bad thing lol!
I have a feeling it's gonna be an interesting week!

The smile I needed this morning :)

2011-10-22T09:13:00.001+01:00

hahahaha! Love it!! :))

An eye-opener of a quote perhaps?

2011-10-20T15:05:00.001+01:00

I found this quite interesting (aside from being a stickler for spelling and punctuation of course)
Wondering how those within D/d relationships would punctuate this versus non-D/d?!

The perfect pic right now.

2011-10-19T20:20:00.001+01:00

Thinking how apt this quote is after writing my latest post :)

A blast of the Past

2011-10-19T13:46:00.001+01:00

I've read a couple of blogs recently where a wee bit of history has been written which kinda got me thinking I'd give it a go.......... And also Grace's post today........ Sorry Grace, I didn't think you'd appreciate this much of an explanation in your comments box lol :)

I found myself brought to D/d almost by accident. Having been a 'wanna be' spanko from as far back as I am able to remember, I finally found the courage to tell my partner after getting to that point in life where I didnt want to hide from it anymore and then discovering all these D/d blogs and realising that it wasn't just spanking for the sake of spanking (ie: for play or sexual purposes) that I was attracted to.
I came to realise that everything I had fantasised about over the years had a name of sorts. All within the elements and true purpose of D/d. Who knew that so many people actually practised this way of life on a 24/7 basis :)
And it was as if a weight had been lifted, my eyes were wide open after that point and this is when it all started to change but to also come together in what I have now, (with Mitch's help obviously lol) and to now have it incorporated into our relationship.

My reasons are pretty simple. Mitch and I have a history (albeit a short one)
We met when teenagers. We were together a total of 8 months, engaged after 3 (yes our parents hit the roof) and parted on amicable terms 5 months after that due to circumstance as opposed to any 'falling out'.
I remember us like yesterday, and here we are 20 odd years later, (never once having clapped eyes on each other inbetween) starting afresh :) BUT with a whole lot more wisdom than we ever had before!

We were, what can only be described as (apart from 'young' lol) ....... volatile together, passionate and utterly wild. We fell in love instantly at first sight, that 'connection' was there....... Y'know...... That 'chemical' connection that does not come round very often if at all, ever again. Never since then, until we met again, have I ever felt that same connection or true depth of feeling with anybody else...... Not my X-husband who I later married (and divorced) nor the father of my 3 children (that's another story in itself!)
Mitch actually said to me recently, laughing as he said it......

"imagine how many times you would have gotten spanked all those years ago if you/we had known then what we know now". (as in, if I'd realised that this is what I wanted)
My turn to say.... "ermm, well actually......" LOL

The thing is.......... it wasn't our time back then. Now is our time, and it has been from the almost 2yrs we have been together now. (pat on the back for making it past our 8month milestone :)

I brought this to him (fairly slowly) and I did so because I wanted us to start out, to go from where we are, on the right foot. We have both grown up and mellowed over the years (ok ok, maybe him more than me lol) and while the 'excitement' and 'passion' of what we had years ago is still present........ It is present in a much less chaotic and damaging way :)

This way of life is something we both now see the little benefits from, we are both trying to be better people outwith but more so 'within' our relationship.
Where as when we were teenagers, I was a whole lot more difficult, argumentative, moody, sarcastic and volatile shall we say :) than what I am now. I can still be all of the above and more (oh yes I can :) but I am coming to see myself in a different light these days, of how I sometimes appear to Mitch and the effects that I can generate, and well...... It's not always in a positive light.
It's difficult to acknowledge ones own faults, but I'm getting there and never have I been so determined to avoid past mistakes.

The difference is back then he didn't know how to handle that..........

And now he does :)
And quite simply, he makes it real easy to strive to please him, to strive to be respectful and to do those things necessary to give our relationship the best chance possible because he gives these things to me so its only fair I should do the same, and I love it.

What I want from D/d is to 'strengthen' what we have together. To aid (and make better in my case) our communication, to treat each other with obvious respect and for a way to 'nip things in the bud'. (and boy does THIS work) and well........ I'm one of those people that want and need to be held accountable for a number of reasons one of which is to feel, after a spanking, that it's a clean slate.
I am not micro managed, Mitch knows how much I value and depend upon and need my element of freedom and for him, this is not the purpose of what we are trying to achieve. Yes he will step in where he thinks necessary but not for any selfish reasons of his own, but because he wants to help me do better with the things I struggle with.
I am learning (oh so slowly and sometimes with a fair degree of resistance) to allow him to lead me in certain areas.
Am I submissive? ...... To an extent still to be determined fully lol........ Yes.
Subservient ....... No.

I don't want just a good relationship, I have a fantastic one and we both want to keep it that way :)

Something I reckon would make noooo difference at all! Lol!

2011-10-18T20:09:00.000+01:00

Crystal Clear & Clear as mud

2011-10-18T19:58:00.000+01:00

Phew! I feel like I've been off the radar over the last few days............... aside from trying to comment on other blogs ( gotta love the blogger iphone app, basic but does the job when it works! :) I've certainly not been missed by Mitch's radar!!
Lots of talking going on, and a spanking or 4 later, mostly for 'play', while being introduced to the cane and the lexan paddle ( loved the lexan paddle and the cane wasn't quite as bad as I'd feared, well......... I only have the one big fat fear of course!Shhhhhhh) ................. I feel as if everything is as clear as mud lol!!

My dilemma now??!!! I'm wondering how to get past the 'sexy, pleasure' factor of a spanking. I mean, it makes no difference as to why I'm being spanked, it still turns me on regardless even when I'm not fully aware of it, which I know is 'distracting' shall we say for Mitch (although he tries really hard, lol, and is usually successful in meaning business if I am being 'punished') but it gets things a wee bit muddled up for me.
Saying this, again regardless of our steps forward, I guess there is so much more to work through and to find what works for us and what doesn't. I am coming to realise that this will always be a work in progress with both of us having to adapt as we move it along. He is adapting very very well :) and his feet are more firmly in place shall we say........... I'm more kinda hopping from foot to foot at the moment with the fear of standing still too long in the one place in case he catches me.................... yeah yeah I know............. I do want him to catch me, but nobody said I had to make it so easy for him lol :)

So...... I think, instead of over-analysing things like I sooo am at the minute,...... I'm going to try to just 'let it be' for a while and just go with the flow. Oh yes.......... I love the way this all sounds in theory :)

Oh AND........................................ I didn't think Mitch was quite getting how much I fear the Loopy. He hasn't used it again and stated that it would be kept for any time that he felt I really really deserved it................. but he still had no idea of how it felt, I mean, how could he right ??

Wicked snigger :) I praise my persuasion skills :)

And now he knows...................................... LOL!

Thinking how true, in my case anyways :)

2011-10-14T11:55:00.001+01:00

Overload or Overwhelmed I think?

2011-10-14T11:42:00.001+01:00

I'm kinda in a muddle and I'm not sure why.
My head seems all over the place just now. I've been reading various posts the last few days and it could be me that's written them. This is freaking me out slightly. To go from thinking you were in the minority to an extent to want a lifestyle like this, to want to submit to your husband/partner or whatever, to want to be held accountable for things and to want or agree that you are to be spanked at your partners discretion............... to realise that there are many others out there, no matter what country they are in, no matter what skin colour they are, no matter what their individual beliefs may be....................

well we all mostly have this one common denominator ( I've just realised that the word denominator can be shuffled around to have the word 'dominate' in it......... useless trivia............ I must be going a wee tad mad to notice these things!) and well................. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed I think.

My journey so far has been pretty short to date, but it's become/becoming a large part within our relationship. It seems to have crept up on me without me truly realising what it maybe actually means. I suddenly feel a huge responsibility for my behaviour, my attitude and the dramas I seem to so easily create. Because Mitch has stepped up, because he is now consistent and because he has 'got' it .............. he has a new attitude, a new confidence. I study him closely and his dominance is there to be seen, even in the most subtlest of ways.

But it's there................. and it scares me. He does not scare me, his actions do not scare me...................

It's more me, myself. I am scared of the vulnerability I feel right now. This lifestyle is so important to me, for me and for us. I brought this to him, I suppose I controlled everything surrounding it to a large extent at first................................ and I'm coming to realise......... no, I've come to realise, that I am not in control of it anymore. I can feel it slip away, and I'm trying desperately to hang onto it.

How hypocritical................. I want to give up my control, I want to submit, I want/need to let go....................

So why can't I let go?? Is this usual to feel like this??

I love this guy with all my heart, I trust him implicitly, he's given me what I want, what I need. I know he will never abuse his position, his role. I hate to hurt him, I want to change those things about myself that I know I need to change, those things that could potentially create frustration and distance between us..........................

I think I've only just realised that not only does he have a large amount of responsibility.................. I've just realised that so do I.

I think now that Mitch has learned so much in such a short space of time, It's my turn now isn't it.

I think, now, that it's my turn to go through a major learning curve, I can feel it coming............... and I want to run.............. he won't allow me to run. Not now. Not now that he knows. Not now that he knows what I desire, the lifestyle I have chosen and the benefits it has brought to our relationship so far. Not now that he knows that I tend to run away from things that scare me, things that leave me wide open................................

I don't want him to allow me to run away, I want and need him to run and catch me and bring me back.

Yeah.......... I have confused myself completely.

Still wearing the Good Girl hat :)

2011-10-10T13:38:00.001+01:00

Somehow, my pics disappeared over the weekend?? Why I have no idea, but they appear to be back now :) I really don't enjoy being an exclamation mark!!

Anyhow.......... all quiet here :) My introduction to the Loopy certainly seems to have had effect.
Had a pretty quiet weekend where I (unfortunately) was only able to spend a little time with Mitch but I managed said little time without developing a bad attitude. See!!! I can do it. I'm feeling pretty smug right now coz lately it seems that there's always been 'something' that has gotten me into trouble. Of course, it might be to do with the fact that it was only a little time spent together but I'd much rather go with the option of................ I'm learning to think before any sarcasm or attitude leaves my lips?

Note to self: Ignore the little voice in your head that is saying........... aye right!!

This morning I've been trying to catch up with everyone's blogs and also had to get in touch with the company that made the corset paddle that broke. I've not had it very long so it should have lasted longer.
I have to say that I am well impressed with these guys. Its a family run business and they are very approachable, friendly and enthusiastic about their products. They have a fast delivery time and are very fast responding to any emails.
They appreciate any constructive criticism that will help in improving their products and have already made me a new paddle but have altered a couple of things to make it stronger, of course! Thanks for that!! Lol.
They also do a variety of other items if anybody should want to go check them out.

http://www.woodwangworkshop.co.uk/index.html

Now I shall go and continue to be good :))

CAUTION: sweary words!!

2011-10-06T14:56:00.000+01:00

All I can say is............................ O M F G

I'd like to apologise first if anyone is offended with my language but........... tough :) They say someone who uses sweary words has a limited vocabulary............ just so's you know........... I don't :) but I feel that without the use of the said sweary words, I cannot possibly stress anywhere close enough how horrible an experience last night was.

Ok first of all, Mitch isn't going OTT, he's just 'stepping up' like I ~~thought I~~ wanted him to. Did I really write in a previous email that I needed to know that he was going to need to be prepared to be consistent and follow through every time for this to work for me, for us????? That there should be no getting out of anything unless the reasons were not silly excuses???? That I wouldn't be able to take the rules seriously if I felt that he wasn't????? WTF possessed me???????

Well this guy is a fast learner, never mind his memory is a LOT better than what I realised. He is carving his very own wee niche in our D/d journey without me driving from the back seat anymore. (at all!!!!!) You would think I'd be pleased. Well I am of course................. but............. that was before he had the LOOPY FLIPPIN JOHNNY in his hand :(

Be very very careful what you wish for has never rung more true to me.

I can honestly say if there was ever something to put me off spanking............. THIS would be bloody it! These things should be ILLEGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday didn't go quite as planned. I thought my ~~fabulous~~ ~~excuses~~ reasons were acceptable actually........... until I had to voice them............. then they sounded like, actually were, poor poor excuses to me too :(

Having had put the new 'should be illegal' toys in the 'toy bag when they arrived (I am never saying hello to my postie again!!) just because, well, its not the kinda items I want lying about with curious kids around, I knew then, that this was going to be different.
Over his knee I went, a tiny TINY warm-up ...................... and then he opened the bag.

SH*T!!

"Oh oh........... someone's been busy" I heard the smile! A few swats with the new paddle later................what did he pick up??? Yep........... that THING. " oh I quite like the look of this one"
Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy hell!!!!!! By this point, I was oh so wary............ I'd only heard bad bad things ( unfortunately they were after I'd bought it) but never in a million triple zillion years did I think it would be as bad as it felt. I consider myself (maybe even a little bit smugly) to have a pretty high pain threshold............. and it hurt like hell. (ok, I know it's not supposed to be pleasant when being punished but I really mean, this HURT LIKE HELL)
Now I am not a screamer :) in every sense lol, and of course I wasn't screaming then.......... but it was without a doubt the most vocal I've ever been!!
You barely need force behind the bloody thing for it to sting! He wasn't going hard at it........... thankfully he was as wary as me. I dread to think what it would have felt like if he was anyone other than the person he is.

In those moments that followed.............. came the very clear conclusion that:
A) Omg I don't like thiiiissss!
B) It huurrtttttttsss!
C) I'm soorrryyyyy I didn't do as you told me to.
D) I'll never ever ever EVER doubt your consistancy skills ever ever EVER agaiinnnnn!
and the realisation that if he was ever going to struggle getting his point across......... that this would do it no questions asked lol!

This wasn't a harsh punishment in terms of why I received it. Yes Mitch was a bit disappointed in me and my wonderful ability to back track with excuses. Yes, he lectured me on why he had asked me to do these things, that he had only my best interests in mind, and that he was more disappointed, not so much the fact I didn't do them, but because I'd assured him that I would. He felt like I hadn't taken him seriously, he felt his slight guidance was ignored and he felt let down by that. He wondered what the point was in him knowing that I wanted/needed help with these things to get them done, doing something to ensure I get them done, and then there's me.............. who did it some of the way he wanted, then tried it my way and finished none.
This was one of the times when I should have put 'little miss independant I always know best' away.............. and trusted in his judgement. He does not ask a lot of me in terms of managing my time, nor does he do it very often, nor do I want him to. But those times he does, he does because I need him to and he can see this even when I at first can't.

Well now I can. LOL!!! I have always been able to sit down after a spanking fairly easily, sometimes my bottom can feel a bit tender but nothing major even if it looks worse than it is! Last night I was LOWERING my ass onto the chair. Any markings faded pretty quick, but the reminder remained, in fact........ it STILL remains!!!!

Conclusion from last night? He is trying his best and his best is fantastic, I guess I need to try a little harder too now in terms of giving something back, ie: my submission in certain instances and to stop fighting it/him so much. But its not easy. And now I know that Mitch knows that the loopy johnny is something to be feared. I really really don't like him knowing that I fear this, but I couldn't help in him not discovering this fact last night. That being said................ I have my 'good girl' hat on and I'm damn sure it's staying on!!!!
For all of the negatives about it, I guess it must have a benefit or two huh!!

And for any of you that want to try this at home :) DON'T!!! LOL..................

http://wilswife.blogspot.com/2010/02/how-to-make-loopy-johnnystep-by-step.html

I've briefly looked at Janet's blog and will be going back to read more but stumbled across this funnily enough today. Let me tell you this is one brave lady................. and her pictures on how to make one of these are excellent so there's no room for error. hehehe :)

Tick tock goes the clock

2011-10-05T09:53:00.001+01:00

I've been reading quite a few different blogs now and in a lot of instances, there is a Time Management rule.
My 1st (non-D/d) reaction has previously been............ No chance!! No way! I couldn't, just WOULDN'T....... etc etc.
No offence to anybody who has this or needs this as a rule you understand, it's just not for me. I don't need, nor do I want anybody to manage my own time for me ta very much! That's just taking things to a whole new uncomfortable level where I'm not sure I want to go.

Fast forward to my phone conversation with Mitch last night.
To give a basic understanding of why the conversation went the way it did, here's a wee bit of background.

Bluntly put, my kids are now all at school, I have 6hrs to myself in the day, I was enjoying this time........ Until my car went to car heaven!
Over the last couple of weeks I have started to feel a little stir crazy, slowly building to the point where I feel quite trapped! I live in a tiny wee place cut off from civilisation.(or so it's starting to feel) This in turn has my self discipline and motivation running for the hills. Well take your pick, plenty of them around!!

I was talking last night about how I was feeling a bit low and how I just do enough to get by with regards house chores etc but that I couldn't motivate myself to do the big bedroom clear out I really need to do and those couple of other things I've been meaning to do but putting off. How I wanted to, and every day I would try to be full of good intentions......but just couldn't 'start' it. The more time goes by, the more hopeless it seems to start and so it's left for 'another' day..... Which in turn makes me angry with myself because I know that clutter....... Well it makes me kinda agitated and when I feel like this, I start to ignore it!

Phew, I didn't realise I was so complicated in my thinking!

I was expecting a wee bit sympathy, a few encouraging words perhaps, which I DID get :) but I also got this........

I HAVE BEEN TIME MANAGED TODAY! ME!!!!

There were a few but....but.....buts from me which got shot down in flames in the most caring yet low firm voice.

"I don't think you're quite understanding me, I'm not 'asking' you to do this, I'm 'telling' you."
"but......."
"If this is what I need to do then I'm going to do it to sort it out. You are to drop the kids off at school tomorrow and go straight upstairs and spend 1hr tidying the bedroom. No coffee or cigarette breaks until after that hour."
"but........"
"Once you've done that, by all means stop for a coffee etc and then I want you to go print and fill out that form you've been avoiding doing"
"but........."
"That should take you to 12pm tops where you WILL have lunch and I want you to call a friend and have a blether. Then you have the afternoon to relax."
"but........"
"I don't think that's asking a lot, do you?"
.............. No!!
"So, when I come to yours after work, I'll be able to physically 'see' what I've told you to do and there can't be any excuses like 'I tried calling but the number was engaged' will there?"
.........No!! (I smirked slightly at this because well....... My dentist must be VERY busy :)
"And given the fact that this is the case, you know what will happen if it's not done, don't you?"
........... Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which brings me to writing this.....while having a cigarette and a coffee (aww c'mon, I'm still getting my head around it) I will be doing as he says, but because I WANT to do as he says. I want him to know that I'm listening. And because I know that he did what he had to do........... Because I need him to.......... Because I need it! And because I love him.
Damn!!!!

So yeah...... Now I understand why others benefit from this. I'm finding my way of thinking changing quite dramatically these days....... And I'm finding (dare I say it) that I like those changes. I don't feel manipulated, I feel cared for. I don't feel controlled, I feel loving direction. I don't feel scared, I feel safe.

Nothing whatsoever to do with the fact I now have a loopy johnny under my roof :)

Dee-Day

2011-10-03T22:33:00.001+01:00

Tomorrow is Dee-day :) (couldn't resist so apologies but well, my humour might just be my own :)

I paid the customs charge on my 'parcel' today, to be delivered tomorrow.
I had been thinking twice about it though but......... there were 3 items I ordered, not just the one, that's taken my naivety to a whole new level! Maybe a whole new 3 levels actually!

So, I'm wondering to myself......

a) Do I hide it?
b) Do I bin it?
c) Do I show it?

Please note the preferred options are top of the list.

Or

d) Do I confess to a sudden fascination of tennis and say I'm making myself a 'tiny' personalised tennis racquet?

Hmmm

Its all a learning process

2011-10-03T13:57:00.001+01:00

I bought a new hairbrush on Saturday. Why?
Well, my old one has been 'out of service' for a wee while and memories obviously apparently fade!

And

I like wood, and (some) wooden things :) and well......... I like to be spanked.
Those words "go and get your hairbrush" send a shiver of delightful torture through me no matter what the circumstances.

Mitch and I were out with friends for dinner on Saturday night. It was a good night but not too late when we arrived back home so a couple of Tia Maria's for me later......... Well...... It's more than apparent now that it only takes a couple for me to have a very slight shift in attitude (I was going to say a 'subtle' shift but the fact I ended up over Mitch's knee kinda disproves my subtle theory!)

I said a couple of things that didn't go down well, not what I said but the way I'd said it. I ignored the warning signs that I'd better tone it down a bit......
Y'know that 'still' way he gets and you have this sudden clarity that things are going fast downhill?

Well I had that. I also had 'that' look and then the "watch the way you're speaking to me" scenario.
Given the fact that things are way clearer than ever before with us, you would have thought that I'd have taken it all a bit more seriously and I don't have the excuse of having had too much to drink as I wasn't even anywhere close to what some would call drunk........ it just honestly never crossed my mind that it'd end in a spanking and I guess......... Some old habits die quicker than others.

So when I heard "that's enough, get yourself into the bedroom, take off your boots and go stand in the corner"........ I was kinda shocked......... and oh dear but it immediately changed to a wee, tiny, minute touch of defiance.

I don't like defiance....... defiance made me stomp from the room, slam the door and had me taking my boots off and that they then somehow threw themselves at the wall with a not so quiet thud :(
Facing the wall I had a hard time trying to reign myself in. Mitch came in and whispered close to my ear
"y'know I've noticed that you get a little bit of an attitude when you've had a couple of drinks and I'm going to deal with that right now" and he left the room.
Ok, so he might have a teensy weensy point that nobody could even see with a magnifying glass!
This is a tough one, I hate to find I am wrong, I hate to be told I am wrong, I particularly hate to find that he is right and that I KNOW I have been wrong! And that was why I was defiant. Because I knew he was right. I 'did' have a bit of an attitude, totally misplaced and I didn't like not getting away with it. (now you know why I thought D/d might have it's benefits!)

Sh*t!!!

This guy, so new to this whole thing, had me flipped over his knee making me tell him why I had just landed there and having me admit and agree that he did have cause to 'correct' my attitude.
"do you agree that you deserve a spanking?" Why is it sooo hard to say "yes?"

Having never had the hairbrush used until after a warm-up......... Well..........

Owwwwww! I didn't even realise (at first) that he had the damn thing in his hand! I remember being surprised that he had went to the trouble of taking it out the packaging specially!

It was short, it was hard, it was all business......... It had the desired result.

"This is one of the things I like about this", he says. "It's sorted, it's dealt with, it's forgiven and forgotten and where it would normally turn into a bit of an argument that spirals out of proportion....... it's changed my awareness and it brings 'you' back to me."

Ok! Okaayy! You're right........... this time :)

RIP paddle..... but meet the Fire-Stick

2011-10-01T11:03:00.000+01:00

To say last night was another leap forward could be classed as something of an understatement. There's a tiny part of me that is wondering that its all too good to be true?
I mean............ although Mitch probably gets most of his information from me, (note for the diary........... keep your mouth firmly closed from now on and don't even think about sending any thoughts or suggestions by email) the way he takes it on board and applies this information, never mind that he is now 'tweaking' things in his own personal way, is mind blowing............ and a tad uncomfortable shall we say at times.

I knew I was overdue a spanking. Mitch told me so in no uncertain terms. The reason for said spanking I don't suppose were toooo serious?

a) He'd asked me 3 times if I'd done what he'd asked me to do ( I hadn't) I tend to ignore things that I'd rather not do.
b) He found out that the dentist appointment he had me make (that I've put off for weeks) was cancelled by the ~~dentist~~ myself, over a week ago. (well he had 'forgot' to ask about it so I remained (unwisely I now see) silent!
c) he told me to go put a skirt on for him arriving home last night. (I was already dressed (in jeans with a belt that is really awkward to undo :) and I bravely told him I wasn't changing.

I don't know why I resisted all of the above. I had had a kinda crap week and I had this feeling of stubbornness I guess.

Always, now I mean ALWAYS when Mitch comes into my house, he gives me a kiss and a cuddle. Well not so last night.
He took one look at my 'attire' and as I stepped forward to give him a cuddle, he somehow managed to undo this belt I felt quite smug about having on with a speed that was really rather impressive and next thing I knew, my hands were out in front of me to steady me after being bent over with my jeans around my knees. A flurry of quick slaps were administered, my jeans pulled back up and a cuddle given, with a scary low voice whispering in my ear that that was not even the warm-up.

Fast forward through briefly visiting a couple of friends ( It's quite strange to be able to have a normal, uncharged conversation inbetween what has taken place and what you know is going to take place later..... it kinda lulls you into a false sense of security I feel)

Arriving at Mitch's, the request to change into a T-shirt and panties, by this point, was not something I thought wise to ignore but the biggest shock to me was when he told me to go stand in the corner!
The CORNER??? But I've NEVER had to stand in the corner!!! ( who is this man????)

Last night was............... different.
It was a bit embarrassing, a bit humbling, (with a short reprieve where laughter ensued) a bit of a 'lightbulb' moment for me because now, NOW I have been left with the view, that yes, this man has really mega stepped up and there is no going back. I find this simultaneously terrifying yet exciting.

I just think it's damn ~~lucky~~ unfortunate that the following had to happen....................

No, he was not jumping from a great height to land this on my ass :) (sure had moments where it felt like it though)

he had already , a couple of weeks previously, 'cracked' the hairbrush (honestly I am not somehow tampering with them)

I did an extremely good job of keeping the smirk off my face when this happened....................

So we had a little giggle about the paddle (RIP paddle, I'd like to say it was a pleasure to meet you but......... it WASN'T)

So here was me thinking all was said and done, my giggling ceased immediately when he came back with this!!!!!

Now this, THIS is what Mitch has discovered, is a pretty good deterrent!! This 'thing' is what is called a fire-stick........... or something like that!!! Who cares! I can personally vouch for the name actually, it does create fire, lots of little lines of flippin fire that take a while to burn out!!

Up to this point I have been wary of this type of ~~stupid~~ unused implement. Curious yes. Well they do say curiosity killed that cat don't they? While this didn't kill me, or the cat, it certainly killed my flippant disregard of a couple of rules. I feel it was a horrible learning curve for me and for Mitch.
Horrible in the sense of him realising that this 'thing' that has sat on his window ledge as an ornament for many months while I blatantly ignored its significance, has not only the power to make fire, but the power to get me me to that place where...................... "I'm sorry"!!!!! Oh yes it does.
Unfortunately it makes fire but doesn't actually catch fire.

Which brings me to probably my next future blog title actually............... While waiting on the ~~evil~~ lovely, pleasant postman, who has no idea that he is going to have me wanting to cross the road should I ever set eyes on him again............................. I'm going to call it

WTF possessed me????????

Trouble, again

2011-09-30T18:18:00.001+01:00

Oh dear :(
I am in trouble methinks :(

Well, I know! Just deeper trouble than what I first realised.

If I had any doubts that Mitch was not going to follow through, they have left the building. I think I might too actually!

And for the life of me, the only thing I can think of right now is that I'm glad I haven't just French manicured my nails......... In case they get smudged in the 'process'!

Oh

And also that Royal Mail have not yet delivered my parcel!

Small mercys

2 steps forward, 1 step back

2011-09-27T14:40:00.000+01:00

Last week, we had a little........... disagreement shall we say, obviously maintenance has still to fully take effect :(

I had a wee hissy fit over something really trivial and my attitude was out of order. As the day passed, this became (in my head!) larger than life and I blew it out of all proportion and by the time Mitch walked in the door I was incapable of calming myself down. Unfortunately, he was having the same trouble by this point as he was reacting off of me and my mood.

What did he do?

After realising it was pointless trying to reason with me........... he walked out and drove off!!!

In hindsight, this probably wasn't that bad a thing because he was really really angry with me but it made me mad!! How dare he kinda thing!!
A few pointless and childish texts later, (yes I may be 40 but I can still do immaturity rather well it seems)
he informed me he would be back up later once I had the kids in bed and that I'd be getting the spanking I deserved!

Gulp!!
(there is nothing more effective in making me listen, than these kinda words)

The spanking it resulted in wasn't as hard as it could have been, probably because he had calmed down quite a bit by this point, as had I, but afterwards I still felt off-balance shall we say.
At bedtime, we were all cosied up and we started to talk more about what had happened.

He said he wouldn't make the same mistake twice. That although he was really angry in the moment, he still felt fully in control of himself but that he should have taken 5mins to gather himself and spanked me right there and then. He said he felt as if he had a 'lightbulb' moment and that he now knew, whether I protested or not at the time, that this is what he had to do to bring me down from my 'high' and to nip it in the bud. He realised that this is what I needed him to do........ and he assured me that it would go the way it was supposed to go, should there be any repeat of my awful behaviour.

Eh..........Okaaay

I, of course had apologised by this point but I told him that I didn't think the punishment fit the crime, that I felt he had let me off a bit too lightly.

Well didn't he just go and agree with me! 2 seconds later that flippin paddle came out and it certainly got its point across!!

I think though, we both learned a wee bit more that night. There is definite progress and small, subtle changes in our dynamics. It feels good :)

I also learned its best not to get into bed when you're naked, with a bottom that's already burning, when the electric blanket is on :/

The Cocktail Cure

2011-09-26T18:55:00.000+01:00

As time goes on, I am a whole lot more confident in actually physically communicating things with Mitch with regards to what we are trying to achieve instead of hiding behind emails and texts.

Ok........ so emails and texts have their benefits and they do naturally progress into a good old face to face discussion but I find it very hard to go cold-turkey, y'know, straight in there without any email prep, but there cannot be a better way than actually just talking can there............................

I think I may have came across a ~~bad idea~~ perfect solution!!

(Ingredients: Black Russian: Vodka, Tia Maria, Coke & Ice)
If anybody cares to try this :)

Vodka and Tia Maria, over Saturday night, definitely gave me the tools and bravado to finally initiate a discussion about a certain topic that has been on my mind for a wee while I've found :)

Please don't judge :) It just so happened we were having a little tipple at the same time I wanted to talk, totally nothing more than ~~excellent engineering~~ coincidence.

I was utterly coherent and responsible :) I ~~usually~~ always know what I'm doing when I indulge............... if only for the very simple fact because I don't like to feel I've lost control, so therefore I am very careful and determined to hang onto 'said' control.

Now there's a huge double-edged sword to be thinking about actually................................ laughingly, the issue I so wanted to talk about, was all about (trying really hard to bring myself to even write the word so maybe this gives some indication of why it was easier to broach at the weekend lol)

SUBMISSION

My submission and what that word actually means to me, and to find out what it meant to him and to clear up any grey areas between the two.

Well, a talk that was more deep and fulfilling than I gave him credit for occurred (if you ever read this, sorry babe) and so full of understanding that it left me pretty astounded.

I'd just like to say, I am willing to take this another step forward, I'm just not sure I'm going to be able to do so................. easily, but that I'm going to ~~probably fight against it at times~~ do my best :)

Surprisingly poetic today :)

2011-09-26T13:14:00.001+01:00

My name is Dee, mature and wise?
To say I'm not is of no real surprise.
I get spanked you see, when I step outta line,
It's a shock I know, but that choice is mine.

I crave his firm hand and his firm steady voice,
This is me, this is MY choice.
So completely in him, I find I do trust,
I get put over his knee and I know that he must.

I can be difficult, sulky and my sarcasm can hurt,
I can be silent, cheeky and my words very curt.
My panties pulled down, I cannot refrain,
From being relieved of my attitude, in it's place now is shame.

To hurt this man who loves me so much,
To the extent that I cannot say no to his touch.
My feelings of guilt when I misbehave,
I need to feel his forgiveness, it's this that I crave.

When all is done and my bottom is hot,
A lesson is learned that won't be forgot.
As he wraps his arms round me, his love is now shown,
And it's this, THIS.... that is what I have known.

Beneath my rebellion is the urge to submit,
It's been a long time coming, for me to admit.
Behind my facade, this man now sees,
The ultimate commitment, he trusts and believes.

My heart wide open, my soul is laid bare,
This is our journey, that of a little, I share.
Now this is not easy and I can't quite figure out why,
But no other is worthy to wipe what tears I may cry.

I make this commitment, to him, him alone,
For the first time in my life, I feel I am home.

Re-connecting

2011-09-20T12:52:00.000+01:00

Things are progressing rather nicely :)

Mitch and I had a lovely weekend, with some of it spent with fairly rare 'us' time so Friday night began with our 1st baby steps into what we called a 'reminder' spanking, at his request ( even better ) after our previous conversation on the subject. Although when he was sounding me out on if this was a good idea ( are you kidding me???!!! lol ) and how often it should take place ( I managed not to freak him out by replying ~~every hour on the hour~~........daily?? ) we decided weekly would be a good starting point........... I can cope with that :)

There is something rather lovely when you are about to get your bottom bared and it's not specifically for a punishment. This felt very different to any other time though in general. I'm not sure what the difference was ( aside from knowing that he wasn't upset with me ) but I'm thinking it has a lot to do with the fact that He brought the subject up, He decided when, His steady, ever growing enthusiasm and alongside his noticeable growth in confidence and technique?

Regardless, I'm not sure if the purpose we were supposedly implementing it for stayed the same but it had the wonderful effect of feeling such closeness to each other, that I really don't care :)
It was definitely the longest hand spanking he has given so far and I felt the most secure over his knee this time than any other, I loved the feeling of his arm resting on my back and felt more protected than ever before because of this.
After my hand spanking, I was informed that we would have a little break before resuming, which we did and proceeded to have a little general conversation during which my bottom felt lovely and hot and I have to admit, I found it a bit difficult to concentrate on anything else and I can't even begin to describe my feelings when he stood up and said "ok, let's go."

Having my underwear pulled down and being back over his knee is both exciting and nerve-racking but feeling the hairbrush or the paddle being smoothed over my bottom has a very similar effect. I like that the hairbrush is something that doesn't have to be hidden away ( it's a bit like a constant reminder to see it lying around) but I do have a bit of a love\hate relationship with the paddle. I love the colour and shape of it, I think it's very pretty to look at................ but boy does it sting. Once that paddle comes out, I wonder if I'm mad to want this (like I could stop wanting it) and even though I consider myself to have a pretty high threshold, that thing can still eventually make me wiggle about!

Afterwards, after a lovely close, tight, heartfelt cuddle, I felt such a warm ( no that's not necessarily a pun because if it was I would have said red hot ) glow and it has the effect of............... y'know that way where you're in a cuddle and you just can't get close enough? But we did a damn good job of trying :)

So........... I would say it definitely didn't\won't work as a 'reminder' to behave type of thing but it has curbed my need in the sense of feeling his dominance more often which should in turn have positive effects otherwise? I think I'd prefer to call it a 're-connecting' spanking and if truth be told................ I canny wait till the next one :)

In a good way? Perhaps

2011-09-17T23:19:00.001+01:00

So........ Do you think couples should go to bed at the same time?

Yes

But what if one person's tired and the other isn't?

Well the one who isn't will still be coming to bed at the same time.

Hmmm......... Couldn't help but notice how a hypothetical question seemed to turn into present tense!

Not sure how this would pan out should it ever become an issue (I could take a fairly wild guess right enough!) but I definitely feel as if I've had an eye-opener of a weekend so far, in a good way........... I think lol :)

Finding His place

2011-09-17T19:39:00.001+01:00

I've just had a flippin row!!!

One of those 'whoa.......... That's enough' kinda rows!
All over a baking tray (with homemade scones waiting to cook) that wouldn't fit in his oven!!
Well....... I actually called it a stupid baking tray and a stupid oven if truth be told.
I mean.... what is the point in having a tray that doesn't fit???

I think that's got to be the 1st time I've ever heard that 'tone' from him. (there's been quite a few '1st's lately) Y'know THAT tone. Even though he didn't raise his voice, there was no mistaking the warning in it.

And more surprisingly, it actually stopped me in my tracks. I turned around to look at him and felt immediately and utterly embarrassed!

Now he is sitting opposite me, quite nonchalant, on his laptop while I, (now that I've changed baking trays with a quietness that is unlike me) am sitting covertly throwing glances his way.

He has absolutely no idea that I'm pretty stunned!

He has no idea that apart from me still reeling from how my 'warning' has affected me, I'm thinking how damn sexy he is!

I've never been put in my place so effectively in my life! Part of me feels outraged....... Totally hypocritical of me of course and the other part recognises that this is exactly what I need.
However, reality is so very different from theory isn't it.

But I look at him now and think, ok I might take a wee while to get used to this new-found authority of his, but boy he is so travelling the right path!

D/d and Me

2011-09-16T11:34:00.000+01:00

Stumbling into D/d from originally having a 'thing' about spanking is still somewhat of a surprise to me. I never ever thought in a zillion years that I'd be in the position I am in right now ( well, I'm not assuming the position right now you understand but am to be later apparently!)

I love to be spanked. Why I have no idea. I could go down the route of wondering if its because
I have an overbearing mother who treats and talks to my dad like crap so that in turn has had some sort of psychological effect? I ultimately want a man who will cherish me, who will look after me to a certain extent but not smother me, who will be strong when I am not and most importantly, who knows exactly how to handle me. I do not consider myself a difficult person but I sure have my moments and I cannot respect any man who is weaker than myself.

After reading many blogs ( I have to confess to being one of those lurkers for a time) and in particular the Taken in Hand website, ( although I am aware that a lot of people think that being taken in hand and D/d are very different, I think they have a lot of the same values to be honest) things suddenly became clearer to me. This is what I deep down wanted for myself. Something in me 'shifted' and so the start of my journey. Not just 'thinking' about it or wishing for it, but actually living it!!

A lot of people living D/d do not like to be spanked. We are all different. D/d, for me, is a perfect way to combine both my spanking urges and my submissive tenancies within a 'real' situation. I love the concept of D/d and the benefits it appears to bring, I can only see this as a positive thing. Mitch and I are both still finding our way. ( although he certainly seems to be finding his way extremely well!!)

Unless you like to be spanked also, most people cannot get their heads around why someone would actually 'want' a spanking. For me, in the moment, I am not really aware of liking it, it hurts!! I am not attracted to the pain at all. Its more about how exposed I feel, how vulnerable I am and ultimately giving up my control, or having my control taken from me, to this sexy alpha strong man. Being disciplined within D/d still has the same effect and the same end results as everybody else. Hmmm ............ not sure if I'm explaining this at all well but I know what I mean lol!!

Anyhow........... even though I love to be spanked, I still have the ability to dread it somewhat, especially now I know 'exactly' what it feels like to be given a 'proper' spanking. Mitch and I have been discussing maintenance or reminder spankings. I can clearly see the benefits of these, the pro's outweigh the cons.

I have the feeling I've just shot myself in the foot about being so honest about what my views are on this! Yes it will meet with my need for regular spankings, yes it will definitely help in terms of 'reminding' me of certain things, it would be nice to have a spanking that isn't for punishment and all those other reasons that will take way too long here to write down :)

So............... confusingly torn between dread and excitement. Nope, I still can't explain these conflicting emotions, I just know what I know, I just feel what I feel, I am tons better at accepting that I don't have the answers to the why's. I am tons better at not analysing it so much. Its me, its part of me, its part of who I am, its always been part of who I am......................... with acceptance comes a certain peace :)

Taken by Surprise

2011-09-09T11:12:00.003+01:00

I am preferring to sit on a soft seat today. Need I say more?

Feeling quite 'safe' last night, as even though the kids were all in bed sleeping, Mitch and I are both quite wary of the 'noise' factor of a spanking for obvious reasons, not that I take advantage of this though :) so unfortunately, things tend to have to wait until a more suitable time, and this has a number of issues in itself. (And no, I have not suggested that perhaps quieter implements could be used in these circumstances, in fact, I'm not sure I can even think of any) :)

I now realise, that this is not going to be that much of a problem anymore, not now Mitch knows that my kids will sleep through anything!

Following a rather 'disconnected' couple of days between us in which I struggled to communicate some things to him which resulted in my 'not so brilliant attitude' and left him frustrated and confused, I have been left in no uncertain terms that this is not something that will end well for me.

After wondering ( and worrying) that he wasn't as committed to 'this' as I was................ we had a pretty good start of a 'discussion' last night, well............... mostly Him talking and me in no position whatsoever to avoid listening!

Trust me when I say that the paddle I have in my profile pic is very pretty and lovely to look at.................... it is ONLY very pretty and lovely to look at :/

So, now that the way had been cleared for me, and him, for me to be able to start communicating in a much more responsible and respectful manner, I was able to explain, in a much clearer way to him, pretty much exactly where my thoughts and feelings about what a Dd lifestyle means to me are.

We both now have a clearer understanding of it all, what it means to us, what our individual responsibilities are and I think we both feel a bit calmer now. I feel calmer because I feel Mitch has finally 'grasped' the concept and how I feel about it, and he, I'm sure, now feels he understands where I'm coming from and feels less confused about his role.

Obviously there will be more in-depth discussions ( it was very late last night lol ) but I think the path we are heading down is slowly but surely making it all come together. His responses so far have been extremely open and honest and accepting and lately, with a good degree of enthusiasm and I'm very grateful that he hasn't went running for the hills :)

Finally going to sleep last night, he leaned across and whispered...........

" I have a feeling that you're not going to be sitting down comfortably very often from now on."

Hmmmm

Obedient?

2011-09-07T09:40:00.000+01:00

Now that I can function semi-normally ( with the help of coffee and cigarettes) I thought I'd catch up with my blog. I've been really busy so haven't posted much over the last few days ( perhaps the previous 'way too long' posts will make up for this fact though )

Anyhow, Mitch and I had an interesting chat................not quite sure if I'd call it a conversation but definitely an observation.
We were talking about living together in the future when he suddenly says

Well you'll be wearing skirts or dresses a whole lot more when we live together......

Eh............ Pardon?????

followed by

Yeah you will, coz I know how it makes you feel wearing them, you know I like you wearing them and I think you'd quite like to be an obedient 'wife' because you will want to do what I've asked.

For once I was actually speechless. OBEDIENT??? This was the one word that kept resonating inside my head. Not quite sure how I feel about this word. I love it, I hate it............. I love it?
What scared me even more was the jolt of 'something' that shot through me, desire perhaps? Need? Fear??

Later on that night, he then says:

I am a leader by nature, you are more of a follower, I like to lead and you need to be led at times.

ME? A FOLLOWER!!!!! I am independent to a fault sometimes, I like my own way, I, on occasion, dislike being told what to do and have been known to fight for my 'freedom' like a mouse caught by a cat!
I am not a follower, I am not a follower, I am not a follower................................... I don't need to be led............................. do I????

Like I've said before, I ignore or fight things that scare me, this scares me to an extent. It scares me because he has that part of me, that I'm still trying to make sense of myself.......... down to a T!! So yeah................

Did I mention that I'm also great with denial?? :)

Longwinded

2011-09-02T19:41:00.000+01:00

Just about to go get ready for my night out......... Have been trying to subscribe to some blogs I like but not sure if I've been totally successful, my own blogger pic doesn't seem to want to make an appearance for some reason :( Never mind, if anybody happens to stumble across me, I feel I must apologise for being soooo long winded in my previous posts! (I do like a blether) :)

Familiarising Myself :)

2011-09-02T11:29:00.000+01:00

Well I have finally opened my blog up on the laptop instead of using it through my phone and have tried, (successfully I hope!!) to adjust a few things. I'm quite liking the new interface, it appears a bit easier for someone who is not 'mega' computer literate ( but capable of holding my own of course ) so things might chop and change around here as I try out new things :) Apologies in advance :)
So.............I have also finally went 'public' with this blog, aside from the extreme panic that that entails :) I am feeling in a brave mood :) And a happy mood.............. finally completed and sent my C.V. to Mitch ( how lovely it feels hearing him say '' Well Done'' ) so I'm glad that's out of the way!! AND.............. going out for a wee drink with the girlies tonight. Looking forward to relaxing and having some adult conversation that doesn't involve the word............. ''Muuum'' Lol !!

1st 'Real' Spanking

2011-08-30T17:21:00.001+01:00

Mitch has his house, I have mine. We both have children so getting free time together is not always easy. My girls were away on their hols for a week (yes a week!! Never have I been without them for so long!) and Mitch was also off work on hols for a week :) Enter the perfect time to kick it all off!
By this stage a few 'rules' had been written ( by myself mostly since I being the one who brought the whole thing up) One of the most important (to both of us) is lying. For obvious reasons.
To let you understand, we have both been trying to give up smoking! Rather unsuccessfully, especially on my part :(. Long story short is I lied about having bought cigarettes, blatantly lied actually and omg I ended up feeling so bad about it (especially when I was getting the whole 'well done' encouragement thing) that I just had to own up. Of course he was disappointed, and I in myself and I felt incredibly guilty. Hence what followed has got to be the single most scary, exciting, nervous and embarrassed feelings rolled into one.
I was promptly informed I'd be going over his knee for a spanking, but after we got back from shopping! He was very calm, very direct and I just........ Melted! Of course, the anticipation of what was to come had the desired effect. I nervously walked around the shops, clinging to his hand, unable to think of anything else. Knowing that he knew this was indescribable. Part of me wanted to run as fast as I could in the opposite direction to avoid what I knew was going to be a very enthusiastic attempt in giving me what I wanted, but the other side of me couldn't wait to get home to get it over with. And of course, rightly or wrongly, I was totally and utterly turned on at the thought of it! (apologies, I was being spanked for a 'real' reason, a reason I felt bad about, but I couldn't pretend I didn't find it an incredible turn on, more so because I found myself constantly looking at him and seeing this 'man'!! This man who suddenly looked more than capable of delivering, who suddenly appeared so strong and sure of himself and this has has gotta be the sexiest thing ever)
So, still shopping, I squeezed his hand and kinda cuddled into him, telling him I loved him, his response....... "I love you too but you're not getting out of it"!
How I managed to sit still on the journey home I'll never know! My anticipation was through the roof!

So, arriving home, we hadn't stepped out the car yet........." when we get the shopping organised, you are to go straight to the bedroom and change into a skirt". *blushing furiously* I helped empty our bags and was then told in a quiet firm voice to go get changed, I walked to the bedroom on shaky legs, thinking to myself..... This is it, I am about to get a spanking!
Mitch came through and sat on the bed and before I knew it, I was bent over his lap having my skirt pushed up out of the way and my panties pulled down to my knees.
All things went flying through my head, I felt so vulnerable, I wondered what on earth, I, a grown woman, was thinking about by wanting this so much, worrying simultaneously what on earth he must be thinking and feeling! Not to mention total embarrassment in finding myself in this position!
What followed was a pretty thorough and stingy hand spanking (although I do have a pretty high pain threshold) accompanied with some scolding about lying and then I heard "go and get your hairbrush". Bloody hell I thought to myself...... He's good :)
Having to stand up, with a glowing backside and bring and hand him my hairbrush was soooo embarrassing not to mention scary!! The whole point I guess!
Ouch!!! What possessed me to buy a paddle hairbrush and leave it in HIS house? Oh yeah........... I secretly wanted it to be eventually used for this very purpose. Lol!
I must confess, high pain threshold or not, my hand came flying back to protect myself! Promptly told to get back into position and to keep my hands out of the way, he continued. Well done to him I guess, for not just stopping at the first sign of my struggling. Wow, it sure felt as if he'd done this before!! I don't think I've ever loved him more than in that moment.
More swats and a little scolding later, it stopped, as I sat on his knee, cuddling him, I was told to stay in the bedroom for a few minutes to think about why and what just happened. Phew! Are you sure you've never done this before???
Walking into the kitchen where he was making me a coffee :) was very difficult, I felt quite....... Sheepish and I found it difficult to look at him but no, of course he made me look at him and tell him what I'd learned from this 'experience'. Ok, just so's you know, never lie!!!! Not even a little white lie!!!

And just so he knows (just in case he ever reads my blog, if I'm ever brave enough to tell him I have one) that that day was an incredible 1st proper experience and I do believe you are a natural.......

Kicking Off

2011-08-30T16:54:00.003+01:00

I could have opened with a hundred different openings but I've got to start somewhere so shall apologise beforehand for the rambling, random thoughts that are going to fly out of my head into words.

Ok, a little bit of history. I am a 40yr old female :) (lets call me Dee) mother of 3 and stay at home mum. I am what some would call.......... Spirited, independent, strong, stubborn, outspoken, sassy, sarcastic (im VERY good with sarcasm) but like everyone else, I have a flip side............ Gentle, loving, shy, vulnerable, quiet, thoughtful, a nice girl :) who also happens to have 'submissive' tendencies and have been in a relationship with my partner (let's call him..... Mitch) for 16months. This blog is mainly just for me to get my fears, frustrations and hopes 'out there' in our (mostly 'my' at the moment I think though) journey into the world of domestic discipline, for I guess this is the name for it even though, right now, I'm having enough trouble trying to incorporate spanking for 'real' into our relationship lol.(although dd can be perceived and practised in many different variations) We are slightly different to all those other people out there, who's blogs I have devoured as in, we are not married (not even engaged either lol) and we don't live together, so our approach is somewhat more difficult to implement and is definitely more difficult in realms of consistency etc, never mind the fact that there are children around for a lot of the time so we tend to wait until there isn't, obviously, which actually, may have something to do with the consistency thing, anyway, the whole Hoh side of things hasn't been broached and I think to take it that far right at this minute, (even if he was willing) would be very difficult to do from afar since we don't live together and have the feeling, although I kinda like the concept, that I would struggle with it somewhat :) although I do 'get' why so many practice this and I'd be lying if I said it didn't interest me, but never mind the fact that it would need to be discussed properly and thoroughly beforehand.

I feel extremely lucky to have met the man of my dreams, to have met the only man who I KNOW I want to share the rest of my life with. And i feel even luckier that he feels exactly the same way :) Perfect then I hear you say........ Well, not quite so..... Yet :)

Y'see, I'm not sure he is really 'understanding' or 'getting' how serious I am and how important this is to me. Don't get me wrong, he has taken my revelation that I would like this (this being d/d to an extent) to be incorporated into our lives, with amazing calm, thoughtfulness, enthusiasm to a certain point and a pretty good degree of acceptance and dare I say, a lot of natural ability :) Although I understand this is my thing and not his but I feel like I am controlling everything which is the one thing I'd rather not do, unless this is until he finds his feet so to speak and beginners teething? Trouble with me is I'm soooo impatient and this 'waiting' is driving me mad. He's not getting the whole consistency thing yet... Ooh frustration! I'm trying to give him the space to get his head around it all (he, like lot of guys, struggles with, but is getting better, with 'hurting' me) and after the 1st couple of spankings I received from him made him freak out slightly coz I apparently bruise fairly easy.
I need to remember it's all new to him far less new to me.
I have always had that 'submissive' side. (to an extent) I have always been aware of it and aware of it from as far back as I can remember. When I say submissive (not sure I am totally comfortable with this word yet) I mean, mostly, spanking and all the things that most of you I've read about like, (obviously though there are others that hate spanking) I have yearned for this, researched this, and found (find) the whole thing, incredibly sexy. And of course, nobody, and I mean nobody, not any girlfriends, past lovers, have had any idea that this is my 'kink' for want of a better way of putting it! It's my secret, my guilty, shameful secret and I say guilty and shameful because I have felt (and still do feel somewhat) a certain amount of it for having these feelings and it has taken a VERY long time to come to terms with and the fact that this is something that I could not, and didn't want to ignore or bury any longer. I have realised that this is part of who I am, and without it, I am not whole. Well, I can pretend to be whole, but a part of me would always feel....... missing. Enter Mitch :)

Why on earth I 'unearthed' this secret of mine to Mitch is still a mystery somewhat. Maybe because for the 1st time in my life, I truly feel I have met my soul mate. And I have no doubt that we will spend the rest of our lives together, I love him like I have loved no other. He is the perfect compliment to me, my other half etc etc :) and because of all of the above, I just 'had' to give him this side of me that I have been an expert in suppressing. It wouldnt be fair to him, or me, to pretend that I don't want this. Don't misunderstand me, he knows me so well that he knew there was a submissive side to me, I just dont think he had any clue as to where I would want it to lead. Lol, poor Mitch :)
So.......... I took the easy way ( well, it was excruciating actually) of sending him the E-book by The Disciplined Feminist, which, I have to say, was extremely well written :)
There! It was done, it was sent! I couldn't take it back but omg I so wished I could at certain points because the waiting on his response was no less than horrific! We had previously touched on spanking, he knew by this point that I loved it (we had started the play spanking within our sex life by this point) but to admit to wanting more, to admit to wanting to expand and take it further was ultimately really embarrassing and terrifying! Would he think I'm insane? Would he think I'm a pervert? Would he laugh at me and think I was stupid? (bearing in mind these questions went through my head about myself at one point)
To cut a very long story a bit shorter, he still didn't quite grasp it all so a couple of emails, some talks about it later, I have to say, I was, and still am, pretty taken aback by how well he has taken it all on board and how 'good' he is as it........ We just need to be patient and figure it all out some more I guess.

Introduction

2011-08-18T13:58:00.001+01:00

Oh..... Where do I start? The last 16 months have been the worst and the best of my life for various reasons but the best...... Love :) simple as that. I feel very fortunate to be able to say for the 1st time in my life, that I have truly met the one man who is capable of knowing me better than I sometimes know myself, who makes me feel truly cherished, protected........ and boy, is he not half learning at an astonishing speed, what makes me tick and therefore, ultimately, how to 'handle' me :)